Dirty Old Man 3; Filmco; Stars: Miranda, Baylee, Sara, Desiree, Mike

Filmco puts out the most disgusting porn known to mankind. I mean, you gotta build up a serious tolerance before you watch this stuff. We're talking: pregnant, lactating, fat and other wrong turns. Occasionally, they come up with a good one by accident, like their Itty Bitty Titty series. DOM opens with a guy in a trench coat picking up a girl at the produce stand. She's into fresh corn. The guy, who looks old enough to be her grandfather, fucks her with his argyle socks on. And he never shuts up, mumbling on and on in a weird British accent. Only in sunny California could they find a girl, still breathing, to go down on this bloated, flabby, balding, white gas bag in Donald Duck Disney socks. DOM continues to drive around, talking incoherently, picking up babe after babe. One little girl with a buzz cut gets her pussy and her head shaved by DOM. But what I couldn't figure out was why her knees were all bruised up--like she just came from a hard core S&M or gang bang shoot. In this scene, the bright gold wallpaper serves as a Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas backdrop for her bald headed Daddy fuck. I believe this video may be the seventh sign of the Apocalypse. Now. She takes a dildo the size of a child's arm as the wallpaper frames this cinematic glory in Loony Toons gold. Watching the cottage cheese inflection on his thighs and ass, as he plummets yet another hard bodied babe, reminds of Colonel Kurtz' last lines: "Drop the bomb; kill them all . . . The horror. The horror."

High Heels; Studio A Entertainment; Dir., Andrew Blake; Stars: Dahlia Grey, Kelly Havel, Isabella Camille, Pamela Petrokova

Andrew Blake has turned his considerable talent to the creation of adult cable pay-per-view, high gloss fluff like High Heels. This all girl, shot-on-film, wide screen format couple's fare features quick edits, saucy vignettes and glamorous soft-core fetish moments. High Heels, if nothing else, celebrates feminine beauty. Otherwise, High Heels has no dialogue, story, rhyme or reason. It's sort of a video magazine--a naughty naked lesbo Vogue. The pseudo sex scenes are all slo-mo'd to death--like the only way women can lick each other is very, very slowly. And this certainly saves production costs for Blake; 35mm film ain't cheap. This way he gets twice the video footage.

My bitch is that the big bucks of international pay-per-view and adult cable are diluting the efforts of top porn directors. High Heels isn't even on the same playing field as Blake's sizzling Paris Chic. Why sell-out to the safe appetites of pay-per-view? Did Kubrick ever direct a made-for-cable movie for the Lifetime channel? The reason I keep going back to porno classics from the 70's is: at least the shot-on-film feature attempted to tell a story that included explicit sex--lame as the story might be. Now sex is the story. The alpha and omega. I want to know: why are these gorgeous models, all dressed in the finest lingerie, giving each other slo mo' toe jobs in an elegant apartment overlooking Madrid? How about . . . the expatriate writer comes home early from his trip to his publishing house in NYC and finds his girlfriend engaged in this lingerie party turned lesbo orgy. He's hurt. He's mad. After all he's done for her. He starts to drink and fuck and write. He creates a twisted scene that each must act out or his girlfriend gets booted out on the streets of Madrid. No more lingerie parties on his American Express card. Give me something, anything other than the slo-mo vignettes of the prettiest nothingness money can buy. Emmanuelle In Bangkok was more meaningful than this.

Thanks to All Night Rachel and Taboo Video

Gang Bang Slut 3; Al Borda Video; Dir., Al Borda; Stars: Maren Beautte and horny German gangbangers

The box cover reads: "I, Al Borda, the greatest American pervert, Have traveled the world to find the slutiest sluts around. This dumb one comes from Germany, and she proves that all German girls are sluts . . . " That's nice. But when I injected the tape into my VCR, I found out the real dumb one is Al Borda; I never got to see this movie. Instead, I got a Gang Bang Slut #3 starring the streaked blonde valley trash, Heaven Leigh, and her lame cohorts. Could this be a mistake in labeling? No. Because the credits at the start of the video clearly state: Gang Bang Slut 3. So I ask you, Al Borda, could you please get off the crack! And hire someone to title your videos who can count past three. If anyone should see this box cover, DO NOT RENT OR BUY! As a completely different gang back tape lurks inside--which is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Checking every copy at Taboo Video yielded the same results: no German gang bang but instead Heaven Leigh getting lukewarm in the valley sun. In all my days of watching porn, I've never witnessed such idiocy. Only from Al Borda. So, Al, I want my slutty German gang bang girl and I want her now!

Revenge and Punishment and House of DeSade; Alpha Blue Archives; Dir., Joe Davian, Stars: Tequila Cheung and Vanessa del Rio (vintage 70's porn)

Revenge opens in a snow covered cemetery, where a black shawled women vows revenge, then moves into Manhattan. In a cab ride uptown, the mystery women reviews the list of people she wants to fuck with, spliced with outtakes of a photog forcing a model to earn her pay. The gritty, hairy, shot on 16 mm fuck footage blends well with the Procol Harem-like score. The Jewish Princess from Queens shows up and turns the sexist photog pig into a boot licking swine. Punishment continues as she gives him the paddle, the cat-o-nine tails and finishes him off with a serious smother. Next, super bitch goes to the doctor, who listens to her pussy with a stethoscope. If pussy could only talk . . . While big bad momma fucks the good doctor, his nurse sucks off two kids in the waiting room; one's huge, the other has a little two finger job; i.e., it's so small, the poor kid can only beat off using his thumb and index finger. Big momma goes back to the photog and gives him head in the dark room; the New York experimental art rock score sounds like the logos of Orb. A stylish soiree for the sick Senator turns into an orgy. Very funky. Rock on brothers and sisters.

The only thing noteworthy about House of DeSade is that it features a very young, hairy and slightly chubby Vanessa del Rio before she hit the big time in West Coast porn. Vanessa and her gang wind up at a haunted house that looks like a dump in New Brunswick. Vanessa sucks dick wearing a dog collar and leash in a scene they wouldn't shoot by today's porn standards. Poor Vanessa opens a closet door and takes come in the eye from a ghost dick. A goofy seance gives way to bondage in the basement as del Rio gets her big Brooklyn booty beaten badly. Another rousing orgy ensues, burning down the house.