They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials are listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people’s problems, over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@ Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Also, you get what you pay for.
I have two close friends. Lately, I’ve become closer to one, because the other is in what she describes as a terrible relationship. It’s awkward, because she’s the reason the other person and I even know each other—I am "the glue," so to speak. The problem is, every time we hang out, all she wants to talk about is how bad her relationship is. This has been going on for months now and she won’t accept any help from us or accept any advice. She swings between wanting to leave— which we’ve offered her all the help in the world on that issue—to wanting to get pregnant. She won’t let us meet him, so we only have one side of the story. How do you help a friend in that mindset? It goes beyond that, as well. Now it’s her job, home, etc. I love her so much, but every time I’m around her, it becomes all about listening to her talk about her problems, us listening, offering advice, her not listening, it going in one ear and out the other and the cycle continues. I don’t want to cut her out of my life but how to I manage this burden?
-BFF4EVER
Dear BFF4EVER,
I have been in your position before. It’s like Twilight out there—the emotional vampires. They somehow manage to target the most empathetic ones around—the most caring and loving—and, then, they turn those wonderful qualities against them. This person is leaning upon you and you’ve been allowing it. You need to decide how much of that you can take (or, are willing to). People in an abusive situation will tend to do this. The fact that she won’t let you meet them is telling. Do you think your friend is in danger or being hurt? Are they being emotionally abused? Sometimes, when people are in a situation like that, they can feel scared, humiliated, intimidated, a combination of these or all three.
You and the other friend’s first order of business is to find out what’s going on with your friend—if you can. Present yourself as a safe space and ask leading questions. The fact she won’t let you meet this guy is a massive red flag. Come from a place of zero judgment and try to find out what’s going on behind closed doors—definitely easier said than done, but your friend could be in trouble and is too scared to ask for help.
Let’s say it’s not a situation like that. Let’s say the dude checks out and everything is fine. Now, we have an emotional vampire situation—a person who needs constant attention from others and draws everyone’s energy. That, too, is toxic. A friend is someone who will be there at your best and worst—someone who is your chosen family. If you feel personally drained by your time with a person and there’s no reason for it, why keep them in your life?
Again, easier said than done—I know.
I’m sitting on the outside, so this is easy for me to say. The way I look at it, you have the following angles:
1) Your friend is in an abusive relationship and needs her friends more than ever. Please help her. Don’t give up. Always have your phone on and make it known that you are a constant resource for her, no matter what. If you’re not equipped to deal with that (most of us aren’t), please refer to:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233 Call-To-Safety Portland: (888) 235-5333 Oregon Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence: (503) 203-1951
2) Your friend is wanting more from you than you can offer, whether her problems are very real or imagined. Only you know whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to this. It’s absolutely okay to decide that this is borrowing too much. You can forgive yourself for cutting someone out of your life. I know it’s difficult, but, sometimes, you may have to let people go. Ask yourself if this friendship is serving you or if it is an obligation.
3) You continue on as is—you don’t cut them out, but you set boundaries. If you can’t meet the boyfriend, then let it be known that’s just a subject you don’t want to hear about. Especially if they are constantly complaining, but won’t take your advice. Tell them so. Tell them you are their friend, but if you can’t do anything for them, then it’s best to leave you out of it. It’s like if someone complained about being allergic to carrots, ate them every day, then complained to you about it. Stop eating fucking carrots! I can’t help you, if you keep eating them. It’s okay to hold people accountable.
Good luck, BFF4EVER
-DiscountTherapist
I’ve been in a three-year relationship and my girlfriend came to me—out of nowhere—to say she’s seeing someone else and wants an open relationship. It’s not something I personally want to pursue, but we just signed a year lease on a new place. I love her, but I feel rejected and deceived. Is it possible to enter such an arrangement after three years of monogamy and still maintain some sort of relationship or is this her way of edging me out?
-Cuckold
Dear Cuckold,
I’m not sure if you can see it (because, you’re in your situation), but every answer to your problem lies within your question and in your own words. Can an open relationship work? Yes. Absolutely so—for some. When both people agree to it, discuss individual boundaries and expectations, there’s nothing wrong with that sort of arrangement (if everyone is on board). The fact that this "arrangement" was made without your knowledge and you were thrust in to it is bullshit. Straight up. Also, purely selfish.
You said you do not want this. That is VALID. Your feelings are valid. You don’t want this. Is she edging you out? Sorry to say, she already edged you out... bypassing your feelings, your opinions and your relationship. She disrespected you and I can tell by the way you wrote your question, you feel so. You absolutely WERE deceived. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants you, her comfort zone and something new and exciting, at the same time. Sorry, babe. That’s not how life works. Where’s your fucking cake?
Fuck your lease. Explain the situation to your landlord so they’ll still give you a good reference and pay to break it—it’s only money. Your dignity is worth so much more. If monogamy is what you want, you deserve that. You don’t have to share her with another person to make her happy, if you don’t like it. It’s okay to be "old fashioned" and want a traditional, monogamous relationship. I, personally, wouldn’t want an open relationship—at all. I want to sit on the couch with my person, watch Netflix in my underwear and I’m happy with that. It’s not everyone’s fantasy, but that’s what I want and I deserve that. If she wants an open relationship, she deserves that, too. But, it does not have to be with you, if you aren’t willing. Sometimes you can love someone very much, but it just isn’t right. Don’t try to make this work, if it makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. Don’t, for once, settle for anything less. Life is too fucking short.
-DiscountTherapist
