Tobacco. We know it, and we love it, for the most part. There, of course, are people diametrically opposed to its existence as a consumer product, citing its ill effects on humans, such as contributing to cancer and heart disease, but our society owes a lot to this simple plant. Archaeologists have found some historical evidence that people in Mesoamerica—before it was called that—had been consuming tobacco for some twelve thousand fucking years before Europeans came over, who also thought it was pretty neat and wanted more...

The last two weeks, I was on a road trip with my loving partner and asshole dog, Bob Burgers. I was able to do this, thanks in part to my great friend (and another writer for this magazine) caring for my other adopted, four-legged daughter, Dolly Derp Parton. This trip had been planned prior to us realizing we would be in the care of a second dog full stop due to unforeseen circumstances, and traveling with one neurotic dog is hard enough without knowing how the other handles being in a car eight hours a day. Anyhow, she had a fine time eating stolen "Sourdough Jacks’’ and other things while Bob Burgers sat in the back seat of a stupid car eight hours a day with brief intermissions to dog parks...

Please refer to my first piece of 2024 in this nudie rag—the January issue. I got two-thirds of the way to a new Portishead album, and as of today, The Cure’s perpetually delayed album Songs of a Lost World is finally here. My powers are infinite!

I've said it in previous issues, and I'll say it again: do not ask the universe kindly for anything—be grateful for nothing! Make demands! They will be met! Granted, it helps if you have a print outlet like I do, but I'm sure you, dear reader, can find some poor rag, desperate for content, that'll take whatever hogwash you can type out by the deadline. Hell, the editor just brought on a "movie critic" that I seriously doubt has even written so much as a high school paper on any film. The world is yours! Take it...

Last month, I’ll admit, was a bit of a rocky start to my Exotic debut. Try as I might, there just wasn’t much fap material in the theaters by the time of our press deadline. I thought a new Alien movie that was trying to recapture the glory of the original was going to be a safe bet for some good goonin’. Alas, no such luck. This month, I was lucky enough to come across this artsy gem that all my fellow nudity enjoyers will surely enjoy...