Whether or not you plan on stripping until you die, or getting out before your peers qualify for retirement, it's worthwhile to conduct an audit of the skills you've picked up over the years and find a way to monetize them. Don't downplay the fact that you've probably learned more in a few months than the average graduate student does in six years (which makes the whole “stripping to pay for college” thing seem redundant). Some people pay for a degree in psychology, while others get paid to work around drunk men who spill their feelings. Some people pay for a degree in theatrical arts, while others switch between sexy, naked clown costumes and naughty schoolgirl outfits to figure out which is the best fit for the upcoming burlesque competition. The difference between a college campus and a strip club is nothing more than a piece of paper, as you, the Jill-of-all-trades, have basically earned a degree in multiple subjects, even if the “adults only” stigma prevents most people from realizing this. So, whether or not you plan on continuing to dance for the rest of your life, you can still make a sizable amount of scratch by monetizing the skills you've picked up on the pole, now and in the future...

By the time this goes to print, I will just have seen the above-mentioned Mr. Shadow (aka Josh Davis) at our beloved Crystal Ballroom, perform his debut album (and I would argue the greatest album of 1996 and inarguably one of the best albums of the ‘90s), Endtroducing….., in full. Do not @ me; I will not change my mind, and also…I am right.

I’m writing this (behind deadline) before actually attending this concert, so unless San Jose’s favorite son fucks up royally, I assume this show will be one for the ages. For all I know, he could just pop in the CD on the PA system, press play, and then go to the bar for a few drinks. And to be fair, that would be a great show on a sort of Andy Kaufman leve...

I firmly believe that history repeats itself on a never-ending loop. Attempting to find the one and only reason behind this would be next to—but not completely—impossible. We shouldn’t be doomed to repeat what our ancestors went through, or what we ourselves went through in the last five years. That’s just stupid, and although not everything is repeated on purpose, repeating the same things expecting different results to occur is literally insane. What may help us all is to learn about what actually happened in the past, why it happened, and how we can avoid making that thing happen—or at least do what we can to not assist...

Every year, many publications produce articles about the best gifts for the holiday season. Ideally, treasures, keepsakes, sentimental, practical gifts. However, nobody warns you that some of the things you think are the best gadgets, toys, or even foodstuffs are actually money traps, useless, or downright dangerous. Therefore, you don't think some innocuous hand massage glove (charges on USB!) will end up mangling your hand. Your screams will be drowned out in the ears of your co-workers, who got noise-canceling headphones while blood pools on your desk. You accidentally hit a video call to the vice-president of labor services who just murmurs, "ah, my favorite sound," before indulging in more of the expensive scotch given to all the executives. I took the liberty of finding the worst-reviewed products, via either user reviews on shopping sites or professionals such as myself, who just happen to have slammed all their dope and are now junk-sick, given their judgment. I’m giving you a whole month in advance, here, so you don’t have to be a last-minute-Cousin-Larry...