It’s that time of year again, where you are either frantically trying to think of something cheesy and romantic to do for your partner (so you don’t have to endure another round of silent treatment) or you’re drinking yourself to sleep, after shitposting on social media about how you’re a strong independent so-and-so and relationships are stupid. Anyhoozle, we’re all in this fresh hell together, but this piece is specifically for those unfortunate women who have found themselves in a relationship with a musician in Portland (I couldn’t think of any hot tips for you lads out there dating a female musician, because you basically won the lottery—treat her like a princess and watch her cat while she goes on tour).The sad slice of the Portland demographic—who are both dating some unshaven, aspiring indie rock star in Portland and reading a strip club magazine—need look no further for some hot tips to spice up their disappointingly dull romance this Saint Valentine’s Day. I hope you have a frosty beverage hdjbooth, ‘cause it’s about to get HAWT in here.
You will not only make your boyfriend-who-won’t-let-you-callhim-your-boyfriend’s evening—in fact, you will make his fucking year with this hot tip. You see, male musicians have the most fragile egos in all of human history. This has been scientifically proven with decades of peer-reviewed journalism on the subject. With this fragile ego comes a labyrinthesque wall surrounding it, that is completely immune to compliments—no matter how authentic. Normal humans will get a warm, fuzzy feeling from a simple positive comment about one’s abilities in their chosen profession— not so with musicians. The true way to your insecure manchild’s heart is by insulting others that share his chosen profession. This is especially true if your "it’s com plicated" person is a guitarist. Beat him to the punch by commenting on how the guitarist of the band you’re watching "doesn’t do it for you" and is "kinda pedestrian." Use the word "pedestrian." He will melt for you on the spot.
You thought you’ve seen his pathetic excuse for affection before...but, think again! This little trick will set his unwashed loins on fire. You’d think it would bring you closer together, being into the same music, but there is nothing that will crush his alreadycrumbling self-esteem more than when he shows you something Pitchfork recently did an archive review about, and you say that you’ve not only heard of it, but you heard it (because it’s blasting through the speakers of every record shop and café in Portland). Trust me! Even though the last three musicians you’ve dated "introduced" you to whatever trendy post-punk or hip hop record your main squeeze is claiming as his personal favorite (that supposedly no one’s ever heard of), just smile, nod and act like it’s not the zillionth time you’ve heard "Marquee Moon" by Television—seriously, you don’t even have to pretend to like it. It’s literally more important that this is the first time you’ve ever set ears on fucking Sigur Ros. You will give your mostly employed boo a night he will never forget. Hopefully, you do actually like said artist, because once you say you’ve never heard of them, be prepared for an all-nighter of B-sides, shitty live recordings and excerpts from a Wikipedia article.
You see, for the public-facing side of the relationship, the male musician doesn’t really want to appear as if he has a genuine connection with anyone. Intimacy is far too complicated and adult of a concept for him to grasp in any meaningful way. However, they don’t want to seem like some unattractive loser, hanging out with his other loser musician friends, at the same bar they always hang out at, making fun of the other loser musicians that they are convinced they are cooler than. This is where you come in! By being a female body sitting next to your musician date, you make him feel slightly cooler than his peers. However, you will only confuse and irritate him if you attempt conversation with your maybe-a-boyfriend. Although it seems counter-intuitive to developing a healthy relationship, do not talk to his friends when you are all out at said bar. If you strike up an actual conversation with one of his peers, you will witness a storm of childish jealousy, the likes of which you have never experienced before! Take it from years of research. Just sit, smile and shut up. You’ll thank us later, when your so-called man says he "guesses you and him can, like, be together or whatever" that night.
You’re welcome, ladies. Happy Valentine’s Day!
