Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and in the spirit of that, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to take you, dear reader, on a journey with me, through an overview of the sexiest biota our world has on display. If anyone says romance is dead, point to any of these examples and scoff heartily.
As the poster child for invertebrate romance, the Mantodea is wellknown for its practice of what is temptingly called "sexual cannibalism." Basically, if the female mantis wants to get her snacky-snack on while she’s being plowed, she’ll just take the head off the male and chow down. Interestingly, this has been observed to cause the male’s movements to become even more vigorous. As long as it’s between consenting adults, who are we to pass judgment on these femme fatales?
This adorable little marsupial mouse lives in the forests of Australia and holds the rare privilege of being one of the few Aussie creatures that can’t kill you. Just before springtime, every year, these critters devote themselves utterly to just one thing: fucking until they go blind. The males will seek out females to bonk naughty parts with relentlessly, for sessions lasting up to 14 hours. They fuck so much that their fur falls out, they bleed internally, their bone density goes to shit, their blood sugar levels go haywire, and by the end of it, most of them are dead. Females can live for up to three years, but not a single male will make it past his first birthday (but, what a way to go).
Many species of flatworms, includ ing ones with really catchy names, like Pseudobiceros hancockanus, engage in a mating practice I’d like to see between humans. It’s called "penis fencing" and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Two rdjbooth flatworms approach one another with their "stylets" (definitely named by an insecure biologist) drawn, then they try vigorously to stab one another and inject their, uh, genetic splooge. Whoever ends up pregnant is the loser (obviously), though this can indeed be both of them. Mother nature doesn’t give a damn about consent
Known for its horrific visage and creepy lantern headgear, this deep-sea-dwelling fish has a truly unique approach to lovemaking. Because their population density is relatively low—and, the ocean is (not to get too scientific here) a really big place—when they meet, they’d better make the most of it. With this in mind, the male anglerfish bites into the belly of the female and latches on. Over time, his body fuses with hers, most of his body dissolves and he’s reduced to what is essentially a pair of gonads and not much else. A female can have several of these hangers-on and can then breed at her own pace. Truly, some liberated chicks.
Everyone has heard that the way into someone’s pants is through their stomach—and insects are no different. If you’ve seen any nature programs, you’re probably familiar with the concept of a "nuptial gift," which is where a male presents the female with some tasty treat, so he doesn’t wind up like his mantis cousins. This particular spider, however, has a habit (up to 70% of the time) of presenting the female with empty insect husks he’s already sucked dry (or, other inedible flotsam that he’s just wrapped up nicely). Before she has a chance to examine the "gift" too closely, he’s done the deed and is on his merry way. Our equivalent would be something like the guy with the flashy car, the nice watch and the hidden $30K in credit card debt.
Unlike human females, who are capable of mating (or turning you down, again) pretty much whenever, many non-human animals go into periods of estrus ("heat"). Giraffes are no exception to this, but unlike some animals whose genitals become engorged, colorful or have other obvious displays of fertility (mating calls, low cut blouses, etc.), the giraffe males seem to have only one way to tell if a THOT is into him: by drinking her pee. Beyond this quirk, their union is pretty standard stuff, which is awkward and usually regretted by at least one of them. But, the fact that the male giraffe drinks the female’s urine mid-stream is still kinky enough to make this list.
Another creative solution to avoid the possibility of being "sexually cannibalized" (hot!) is the display this tiny jumping spider does. Basically, he hides behind a leaf and vibrates his body to get the female’s attention. Once she’s noticed that something is up, he’ll start waving one of his unusually fluffy legs enticingly, from behind the leaf where he remains hidden. The female will try to attack, thinking it’s prey, but he’s ready for it and yanks it back. Then again (and again and again), his display can last hours. All he’s basically doing is wearing her out, so she’s too exhausted to fight him, when he leaps out and has his way with her. Thinking about this, I wonder why she doesn’t just get bored and try to catch something else (or, maybe, just check the other side of the leaf), but nature rarely makes sense, and I suppose if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
In a turn of phrase someone is surely going to call out Wikipedia for, these lizards merely "pseudo-copulate," because there’s no penis to go anywhere. This is because every whiptail lizard is female. How do they reproduce then, you might ask? Parthenogenesis, which is a fancy way of saying "cloning." Essentially, this is an entire species made up of copies of ONE chick, who likes to sometimes "pseudo copulate" with herself. Pondering this as a solution to my dating life, it suddenly became far less sexy when I realized that I probably couldn’t stand myself for 15 minutes, let alone a whole planet filled with me forever. Horrible.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a Frasier slash fiction writer, sexual cannibal and ex-motocross champion. She can be found on MeWe by name, or on Instagram at @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel (but, not on Tinder—sorry, folks).
