I haven’t talked to (or seen) my birth father in 23 years. I recently found out the reason for this isn’t what I thought— not that he didn’t care and abandoned me and my two sisters, but because one of my sisters was so mad at him, she lied and said I wanted nothing to do with him, so he respected my " wishes" and hasn’t tried to contact me whatsoever. It’s been so long and he has a new wife and family. I don’t know if I should leave him be or if I should try to get a hold of him, as I just recently found all this out.
-AbandonedJ
Dear Abandoned,
I will start by saying that family doesn’t need to be tied by blood. I grew up in a blended family of cho sen people and now I’m following in those footsteps. My blood-related family has passed or is in prison, so I have a small group of people who I have decided are family. Many people also choose to cut their families out of their lives—for lots of different reasons—or, their families reject and exile them. The term "blood is thicker than water" is antiquated. Just because this person gave you life, does not mean you owe anything to them or need them in your life.
That being said, it sounds like you are curious, which is natural. I would be, too—who wouldn’t? It also sounds like your dad has the wrong idea about your wishes. That baggage needs to be unpacked—for both you and him. Both of you deserve to know the honest truth. He’s a person, just like you, and was perhaps devastated to be asked to leave your life. I have no idea about the details surrounding your situation. It seems odd, that a parent would be told to kick rocks once and just do it, without trying to reach out again. There may be other things at play here, and there probably are, which I don’t know about. Familial relations are complicated and never easy.
I suggest you start with tiny, baby steps. You don’t know what he’s thinking and I suspect you don’t totally know what you’re thinking, either. I would suggest writing him an email or sending a Facebook message. Take your time writing it. Think a long time about what you’d like to say. Say it well. Read it over and over again before you send it. Ask every question you’ve ever wanted to ask. Emote every feeling you’ve ever felt. This might (and can be) the last time you talk to this person. Be sure to bring up that you never wanted them out of your life. Talk about how feeling abandoned made you feel. Give them all sides of your situation and experience. Make this interaction count.
Be prepared for the answer.
He may want nothing to do with you. He may have anger or resentment from being pushed out of your life. He may not care. He may be a piece of shit. He also may want to form a relationship with you and you’ll have a whole new branch of the family. Just prepare yourself to know that reaching out will effect you, one way or another. I’m hoping for you that it will be positive, but know that it could be negative. Set boundaries. Take your time. He hasn’t been here for your entire life and you owe him nothing more than you want to give.
This Christmas, one of my only living cousins reached out to me. I haven’t talked to a "relative" in so long, I was excited. Since my parents had passed, it had been 15 years since I’ve talked to anyone that was bloodrelated. We texted back and forth, sent pictures...then he hit me with it. He was just looking for money and didn’t care about me at all. I blocked him. It broke my heart. For a brief minute there, I thought I had family. The genetic line doesn’t matter. I am blessed to have a chosen family now. Just be aware, if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. If it feels toxic, it is. Always check in with yourself and make sure a relationship—any relationship at all in your life—is serving you. How are you feeling about your sister, by the way?
-DiscountTherapist
I’m an eligible bachelor—attractive, athletic and have no shortage of women who want to be with me. I want to be in a serious relationship, but my jealousy issues always, ALWAYS fuck it up. I don’t know why I’m like this.
-Jealous Guy
Dear Jealous Guy,
Sometimes, when you’re in a relationship, someone is acting shitty and you sense it. Who is that they’re texting? Why does she seem to be deleting things on her phone? Who are these thirsty dudes commenting on her social media posts? I’ve been cheated on by a number of my partners and my dumb ass excused all of those warning signs and got walked all over and humiliated. You’re not wrong to be aware and for wanting to protect yourself. In this Age Of The Internet, it gets complicated and you should look out for being taken advantage of.
That being said, let’s talk about jealousy.
Jealousy is not about them—it’s about you. If someone is stepping out on you or treating you poorly, you should leave—simple as that. Because, you deserve better. You want better for yourself, as you should. Jealously is a state of mind. What about being jealous is serving you? Your partner isn’t going to cheat on you any less if you’re jealous. If anything, it marginalizes you. It makes you look weak, crazy and controlling. Hell, if they are going to cheat on you, they will, regardless of what you do. Also, if they do that, you WILL find out eventually. Being jealous is a form of stress and stressing for no reason just borrows from you.
One of the best human experiences is to love with your entire being. That means giving all of yourself, regardless of what you think the outcome could be—to put your head on your pillow at night, knowing you did your best and gave 100%. If your partner cheats on you, it isn’t failure—it’s simply an exit to start something new. Frankly, they did you a favor, and if you gave them your all, then that shit is on them. Some people just suck.
A wiser person than me once told me that stress presents in many forms. Sometimes, it could be as simple as doing the laundry that’s been gathering in the corner—it can take pressure off in a way you didn’t even realize was bothering you. He called it "background noise." The stressors that you don’t realize take away from your mental health and overall happiness. You may not be aware of these things, but the minute you take a few hours to knock them out, you breathe a sigh of relief over one less sound crowding your already busy brain.
This jealousy issue is static on a television turned up to ten. I’m sure you’re exhausted. What part of being jealous is making your life better? How many relationships have you ruined over this? What amazing life experiences have you missed out on because of it? I know it’s easy to sit behind my keyboard and tell you to just get over it, but I challenge you to try. NO ONE on this earth wants to be with a controlling, jealous partner— no one. I’m sorry to say that feeling jealous is probably about you. If you want to be in a relationship and be a viable partner, you need to do work to overcome these feelings. Easier said than done, I know—but, if your goal is a happy relationship, you need to turn that television off.
-DiscountTherapist
I would have never expected to become an alcoholic. And, I keep it pretty under wraps, because I hold everything down. But, how the heck do I do this? I can quit for days on end with no repercussions, really. But, the older I get, the harder the hangovers become. How the hell do I kick this stupid thing? I’m using voice to text, by the way...sorry about the crappy punctuation and whatnot.
-Concerned Drinker
Dear Concerned Drinker,
I am a bartender. I dispense alcohol—a highly addictive, controlled substance—to people, as a full-time job. Over the years, I have come to realize that alcoholism has many, many forms. It looks so many different ways for so many people. I see examples come through my door every single day. Some people’s hands are shaking so badly when they try and give me their payment, I have to chase it out of their hands. Some can drink up a $75 tab and walk out completely dead-eyed sober, and do it every single night—and seem fine, while holding down high-paying jobs. Some binge and have to be carried out. Some only have the one drink, but you can tell how bad they want that one, to the point where the fixation is obvious. Some "take breaks" from drinking, just to be right back at it shortly after, to which I miss the point of what that short break was even for. Some have to be 86’d, because alcohol makes them behave badly (even though you knew them to be a good person a few drinks ago). Some have to be 86’d, because you can’t watch them kill themselves anymore. Some can drink in healthy moderation, but couldn’t imagine ever giving it up for good.
Alcohol is dangerous. It takes hold on many. You have to wonder why we, as humans, once deemed it so evil we made it illegal. Then, we same humans bootlegged it, to the point of requiring it to be legal again, to foil the crime empire built around it (due to desperate demand). If you’re drinking and struggling to regulate your intake, you are not alone—everyone who drinks is, in some form or another. This includes myself, Concerned Drinker—I am concerned about myself, as well. I also never expected to be here, either. I don’t think anyone does.
Alcohol is interesting, as it creates its own cycle. You drink to quell anxiety, then when the alcohol is gone, it leaves you with more anxiety than you started with. Then, it takes even more alcohol to get the same feelings of comfortableness, before it leaves you feeling even worse. Repeat, repeat, repeat it enough, then you’re dependent. If you’re too dependent, quitting cold turkey can kill you, from the withdrawals. So, you keep drinking. You’ll tell yourself that "you have it together," so it’s okay. Your brain will justify the behavior. Just because you’re a functioning alcoholic, doesn’t mean you have control. More control than some, maybe—but, that doesn’t make the addiction any less real.
Working with alcohol became a bigger problem than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know you, so I don’t know the actual reality of what stage you are in your drinking. If you truly are an alcoholic, you lie to others (as well as to yourself) about how much you are consuming. You are at the stage where you are questioning it. The fact that you are reaching out anonymously, to discuss your concerns, is telling. The amount you’re drinking (and your relationship with it) isn’t okay with you. Even if you aren’t even drinking half as much as the guy next to you, you are becoming concerned. Analyze that. Analyze that deep within yourself. As far as "kicking it," that is very, very difficult. Once you are an alcoholic, you always will be. Even if you never touch a drop again. After a hard day, stressful situation, social event or whatnot, your brain will tell you that it would be better with a drink. It’s up to you, how you want to manage this problem.
A) Quit drinking. Make the commitment. It’s a hard road. Most people need to cut themselves off from all former drinking buddies, find new hobbies, change jobs if need be and seek professional help. Many describe the first year of doing this as very lonely and extremely hard. It’s worth the work, if you want that. There are prescriptions available to assist with the cravings, if you’re willing to talk to a medical professional and be honest. Remember, there is nothing to be ashamed of—they have seen it all before. Go to detox if you need to. Use the taper method, to avoid dangerous withdrawals and stick to it for as long as it takes to get there. Try weed to replace it. Reach out to others that have quit and are living a sober lifestyle, and talk about your struggles with someone who has successfully done it before you. This path works best for those who realize that they can’t control their intake realistically, so they just can’t have any at all. Sadly, most do all that work and come right back to it.
B) Continue to drink, but make rules and stick to them. What do you feel comfortable with? "I’m only going to drink on Friday." "When I drink, I won’t have any more than two." "I won’t keep any alcohol in the house." "I will never drink while the sun is out." Whatever it is. This road is almost more difficult than quitting. When you start to drink, your brain tells you to have one more. Many people try this and realize they cannot cut themselves off (or not over-indulge). If you can do this, though, then you can manage it in a livable way. I have friends who do this and it’s enviable.
C) See-saw all over the place. Quit, binge, break your rules, wake up beating yourself up—constant failures. Binge, dry out, blackout, quit again. A constant elephant in the room. Here’s where most people sit. They do this for the rest of their lives—an addiction purgatory. Some weeks, you’ll do great and you’ll pat yourself on the back and feel pretty good about yourself. Others, you’ll fuck up and be back at square one. This is how most alcoholics live.
D) Fall down the hole. What used to have you stumbling at the end of the night is the same amount you’ll need to just feel normal. You’ll sleep very little, eat even less and your body will be aching all the time. Your piss will be the color of iced tea. You’ll stop going to bars, because they all know you. Also, frankly, it’s too expensive at this point, with the amount you require to consume. You’ll polish off a handle a night. You’ll do so and you won’t even feel drunk. You’ll throw up. You’ll shit your pants. Your brain functionality with be a mere fraction of what it used to be and your memory will be so poor you won’t be able to hold down any normal job. You’ll drink until you fall asleep, wake up and do it again. You’ll wake up and struggle to know if it’s day or night. Your throat will be raw from the amount of acid built up in your stomach. You won’t be able to keep up on basic tasks, such as cleaning. Days will bleed into each other at such a rapid rate you’ll wonder where the last month has gone. All this will happen while you’re alone, because you’ve isolated yourself a long time ago to hide your problem. Once you get here, very few come back.
Just know, if you’re here and still alive, there is probably hope. The body is surprisingly resilient and desperately wants to cling to life. It’s never too late to save it. I’m not trying to be dramatic or scare you, Concerned Drinker. I’m also not trying to discourage you by telling you that moderation and abstinence are very hard. The work you put in on this matter is worth it—all work on yourself is hard. Taking control of an addiction is just as difficult as seeking help for depression or starting a health and lifestyle routine (and committing to it). Change is difficult. And, the older we get, the harder it is to want to. But, it can be done. We only get one life and it’s what we make of it.
I challenge you to ask yourself why you drink. Do you have stresses or things in your life that make you unhappy? Are you socially awkward and drinking helps you to talk to people? Are you self-medicating in some form? Are you depressed, suffering from anxiety, mental illness or chronic pain? Sometimes, we are best served by discovering the root of the issue and trying to tackle that. Perhaps if you understand why alcohol is in your life, you can work to eliminate the reason you started to drink in the first place. Maybe, there is no reason and you just like the way it makes you feel—only you know. I think it’s time to try to know yourself a little better. Try to work hard. There are many resources out there. Ask for help, if you need it. Don’t fear shame or judgment. In the face of addiction, honesty is the first step.
Love,
-DiscountTherapist
