It’s that time of year again, when everyone in this magazine has a Valentine’s Day article, and in general, people complain about the happiness of others far more than usual. Custom holds that you’re supposed to have a date on this auspicious occasion, and if indeed you do have someone willing to put up with you for an evening, that doesn’t mean you necessarily have a greasy fistful of cash to throw at the endeavor. Therefore, we find ourselves in great need of activities which require little or no coin, yet are still entertaining. In the spirit of those who are closer to broke than not and have little capacity for shame (yet, are nevertheless on the make), I present this list of date ideas to help.
A keen interest in cryptozoology helps here, but not as much as one might think, given that Bigfoot—the noble Sasquatch of many tales—seems to have sightings in the most unlikely of places (including an Arby’s in Denver, back in ‘05). Thus, there’s no reason that, no matter where you are in the continental U.S. or Canada, there wouldn’t be any historical Bigfoot sightings nearby to base your quest on.
How is this a good date, you may ask? Well, it’s not.
You’re (probably) not going to find the Sasquatch in the two hours you set about looking, but if you do it correctly, you’ll bond—either over a shared belief in Bigfoot or over how dumb it is to try to find the mofo.
Cost: Nothin’!
If you have a few extra bucks: Buy some booze "to keep you warm." This never hurts.
Sleaze factor: It’s only sleazy if you don’t believe in Bigfoot, but your date does (or if you end up hosting a Bigfoot-hunting TV show).
Also, if you do find Sasquatch, see if you can get the five bucks he owes me.
Want a touch of class? Dress nicely and pull the old in-through-theexit-door at the symphony, opera, theatre or whatever classy event is going on at that one upscale venue you never go to.
Why does this work? They have ushers and shit at these places, right??? Yes, they do, but nobody expects someone well-dressed to sneak in to see Die Fledermaus. Nobody would risk being seen getting tossed from a goddamned opera house, except you. Grab some open seats and enjoy your free culture. Bonus points if you can somehow do this without your date catching on to the fact that you’re sneaking in.
Cost: Nice clothes, but if you already have some, then it costs nothing (save for maybe dry cleaning fees). If you have a few extra bucks: Sneak in some Doritos.
Sleaze factor: Classy on the sleazy scale, sleazy on the classy scale.
In most major urban areas, there is usually a significant population of lifestyle-homeless people, and if you can find them, there’s a wealth of activities that can be arranged. Easily motivated by drugs or alcohol, it’s not hard to find folks who will fight over it. Bring your date, hold your nose and take bets. Thrill as Boxcar Steve takes on Michigan Malone for the 40oz of malt liquor you provided, as well as first dibs on the mulligan stew over at the trashcan fire!
Cost: A 40oz of Old English or Steel Reserve.
If you have a few extra bucks: Buy some meth for ‘em and watch the stakes go higher!
Sleaze factor: Exploitative and callous.
If you walk into any of the restaurant chains that force their employees to sing a royalty-free happy birthday song and you are wearing a party hat, they usually don’t bother to check your I.D. if you say it’s your birthday. This is what we call "success at the cost of looking like a chump." Get your free birthday thing, excuse yourselves and split to the next one, where you rinse and repeat, trading the hat between the both of you. If they DO ask to see some identification, say you got mugged on your way to their competitor, but thought Applebee’s (or wherever) would be "nicer." That’ll usually do it. Besides, the staff generally aren’t paid enough to care all that much. This works at bars that give birthday shots, too...but, unless you’re old enough to not be carded for that booze, the hat’s not gonna do it.
NOTE:J Does not work on strippers. Them’s cash-only.
Cost: Cheap as free.
If you have a few extra bucks: At least tip the person bringing you your free shit.
Sleaze factor: It’s only a handful of points less sleazy than doing a dineand-dash.
Art galleries are happening places. People come from all over to see avant-garde art pieces on display at various showings. "So what," you say? Well, here’s the thing. No proper art gallery would be without bourgeois food and drink on hand, to lubricate people’s minds to the point where they’d pay $150,000 for a banana duct-taped to a wall. They count on the small outlay of cash in refreshments, paying out big in sales of Bohemian crafts. You, the smart-butuncouth dater of other fine humans, can take total advantage of this. You and your date can show up to a given art gallery, either dressed nicely or poorly. If nicely, they’ll fawn all over you, in hopes that you’ll plonk down the cash they think you have on all manner of fine arts. If poorly, they’ll think you’re one of the artists. Say you’ve got a piece "in here somewhere" and you’ll likely get all sorts of attention. Wine, cheese, charcuterie plates (that’s fancy meat snacks) and all manner of diversions can be had, simply for mingling. Toss out phrases, like "neorealism," "postmodern" and "juxtaposition of light and shadow" to blend in, and you’ll find yourselves drunk (and well-fed) in no time.
Cost: Very little.
If you have a few extra bucks: Keep ‘em.
Sleaze factor: It’s only sleazy if you get into a fist fight with someone wearing a beret, after you criticize their painting for looking like cat puke on a canvas.
So, there we have it—five ways to go on a date without expending significant dosh to do so. May you get thoroughly laid. Have fun and be safe.
Wombstretcha The Magniflcent is a writer, emu massage therapist, bidet ethusiast, hand sanitizer addict and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha. com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (and MeWe, the no-jail Facebook) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
