The rules surrounding appropriate behavior during this time of pandemic uncertainty are constantly changing. Thankfully, we are here to provide you with this list of...
We’ve all been through a few rough breakups. Your exes may be guys, gals or a bit of this and a bit of that. Whatever flavor you choose, no one is immune from heartbreak—that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes it’s your fault, sometimes it’s theirs (I’m looking at you, Emily), but regardless of who threw a vase at whom, heartbreak is universal. That’s why it behooves us all to take a moment, step back and say, "Well, at least it wasn’t..."
Born in 1876, killed by firing squad December 1913, this Dutch haberdasher’s daughter was gifted with the already awesome name of "Margaretha," but because she was reasonably concerned people would just call her "Maggie," she changed it and became a belly dancing, accused (wink wink, nudge nudge) spy. Got shot in the head for being sexy AF, but not before betraying state secrets to the Germans in WWI.
10/10. Definitely would trade you for immunity. Okay with being assassinated for—worth it.
Born 1867, this certifiable (but, brilliant) chick was the first lady to ever get a Nobel Prize. As the Fact Core in the video game Portal 2 summed up nicely, "Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity and dying of radioactivity."
8/10. Passionate and driven, but now I have cancer, thanks.
Born December 27, 1957, this Mexican-born, former pro-wrestling serial killer has upwards of 40 murders under her proverbial belt. Sentenced to 759 years in prison. Why not 760, you ask? One year off for good behavior. If you need more than that, she’s still alive, so feel free to send some fan letters or marriage proposals her way, and I’m sure her explanations will be more imaginative than mine.
3/10. Angry, probably gets bedbugs in that jail and all you’d have to show for it is a broken scapula.
Born 484 BCE. Queen of the city-state Halicarnassus, which is much less difficult to pronounce than it looks. Artemisia personally commanded her navy into battle, using two different flags to trick opposing ships into letting her get close, before ramming one into oblivion.
9/10. Terrifying, but unforgettable—might put an arrow in your skull, if you piss her off.
Alive from August 7, 1560 to August 21, 1614, Countess Báthory was a Hungarian Duchess, accused of torturing and killing hundreds of young girls and women, possibly even bathing in their blood, to retain her youth. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s virgin blood. Though there is some doubt as to the veracity of these claims, I’m going to assume they’re true, because they’re awesome.
5/10. Exsanguination for love may or may not be worth it, but you never know until you try.
Between 1157 and 1247, Tomoe was not to be fucked with. Part of a small group of women called "Onna-Bugeisha" ("female martial artist"), Tomoe’s story of head choppin’ glory was so unique, it inspired generations of samurai, who came after her to do more head choppin’ themselves. I’m not sure what it is about a beautiful Japanese woman with a sword, but it’s definitely a thing.
9/10. One point docked for possibly not having existed
Born October 31, 1970 (yes, really). While her act of desperate violence may have been arguably justified (given what a massive tool John Wayne Bobbit is), Lorena still deserves a place on this list, because obviously she does. Some women will tolerate abuse and some...well, some will remove parts of your body you’d really rather keep, then hurl them into a field.
4/10. Ouch.
Lived from November 11, 1859 to April 28, 1908. This Norwegian-born serial killer has a body count no one’s exactly sure of, but numbers between 14 and 40, give or take. Her preferred method of human disposal centered around corresponding with lonely men and luring them (and, their sweet, sweet life insurance policies/savings) to her Indiana farm, with the promise of nuptial bliss. They’d meet their end soon after and Gunness would be that much wealthier. Frankly, I don’t think anyone (however smokin’ they might be—and, she was decidedly NOT) could convince me to move to Indiana. But, hey, the heart wants what it wants. Belle’s fate remains unknown after a mysterious fire destroyed her farm and revealed her macabre collection of corpses.
2/10. Gold diggers be whack.
Born November 12, 1970. As a native Portlander, I’d be damn near remiss in my duties, if I didn’t mention this famous, vengeful bitch. Born and raised right here in the City Of Roses, she’s most notorious for conspiring with her ex-husband to kneecap her most proficient rival, Nancy Kerrigan, one day before a competition. While perhaps not as deadly as some of the other women on this list, Harding is not a woman to be tangled with. After being banned for life from the U.S. Figure Skating Association, she took up boxing and self-aggrandizement through books, documentaries and reality television.
7/10. And, she’s totally gonna key my car for that rating.
Between October 1, 1910 and May 23, 1934, Parker is believed to have murdered at least nine police officers and nine civilians with her notorious cohort, Clyde Barrow, during their wild, anarchistic, bank robbin’ spree through the U.S. During the Great Depression, chain-smoking, gun-toting Parker was present for at least 100 felonies, and though the romanticized movie version wasn’t strictly true, I get the feeling that crossing Parker would have been your last (and, worst) mistake. She and Barrow died in a dramatic hail of gunfire, that still captures the imaginations of would-be bad bitches everywhere.
9/10. Cute as a button, but would probably shoot you in the back for your pocket change.
Born March 27, 1982. Emily, you’re the worst. Out of all of these crazy, murderous, radioactive, sword-swinging, boat-smashing, Tommy-gun-wielding, bloodlust-filled monsters, you take the prize. You took the cat and stomped on my heart in your gorgeous stiletto heels, like an ice queen of hate. I can’t believe I ever loved you, you callous, wretched witch.
0/10. God, I miss you. Call me?
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a brokenhearted mess, who just wants to be loved. She can be found on MeWe and Facebook by name and Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.
