Oh my stars! Aren’t you such a lucky one?! The gods most certainly shine upon you, don’t they? Well, let’s see what we have here...so many delectable delights! It’s hard to know where to begin...now, here’s a treat!
McDonald’s French Fries
Lo, how they sparkle with sodium! Shining like Persephone’s tears!!! Truly, a snack directly from the top of Mt. Olympus! And, so plentiful!!! Zeus hath blessed you with a new kind of size—a god’s size...nay! SUPER-sized!!! Oh, I envy you...
A Six Pack Of Mid-Priced Beer
This cornucopia floweth like a river! What better way to quench the thirst of one so mighty, than to sup upon the spout of a reasonably priced "tall boy" can! I see by the distinct flavor of this infectious brew, that it comes not from one of the five rivers of the underworld, but directly from the springs of Golden, Colorado!!! Ah, indeed, when the mountains turn blue, thou art as cool as Fonzie! Fear not my semi-relevant references, I am an omnipotent narrator!!!
Some Pretty Mediocre Cocaine
You know what? I think this is sugar, actually. I’ll just hold onto it. You don’t need that.
Breakfast Burrito From La Taqueria Del Sancho
No! You have simply got to be pulling my leg!!! This is absolutely exquisite! Though your excrement may yet run like Hermes, this is the most tantalizing tidbit among your cornucopia...I feel humbled to be in its presence with you. Ah! The scrambled eggs!!! The melted cheese! The hash-ed browns! Sooth! What’s this? By Ares’ spear! This...this is Chorizo! Chorizo for the chosen!!! Oh, I bow before you this day. Never hath I seen someone so blessed. What’s that? You want me to...take half??? Never! I could not!!! I dare not! You...insist?! I don’t know what to say. I am grateful. I...I will sing of your generosity daily. I promise this, until my dying day. Thank you.
Grapes
Oh, yeah! Here’s some grapes. They’re okay, I guess. Seedless? Ah, shit. Nope. Not seedless.
Keys To A Fully Restored 1976 Pontiac Firebird
And, lo! Phoenix hath been born again!!! Your kind gesture of half a breakfast burrito from La Taqueria Del Sancho is rewarded tenfold! This baby hath serious horsepower!!! All leather interior—new engine that has just over 3,000 miles on it. Take her for a test drive! Spin some donuts on Hades’ front lawn! Have fun, Tiger. You deserve it!!!
by Dad
Here’s the thing—you all need to shut the heck up, so I can hear the big game. I work hard every dang day of my life. All I ask for is some peace and quiet in this household when the big game is on. I’m not even asking you to go outside, gosh darn it! I don’t want to tell you to go to your rooms!!! Just, please, hold the side talk for the commercials. If you need to say anything at all during the big game, say, "Hey, Dad, can I get you a beer or perhaps some chips?" That will do just fine! I don’t ask for much!!! I’m just trying to relax on my four-day weekend! Which, by the way, I had to agree to come in early Monday morning just to get. I’ll do the dishes in the morning, if you will all just shut the heck up for crying out loud! Thank you. Sheesh.
Lake Oswego, OR
Feeling frustrated, yet again, by her family’s seemingly deliberate indifference towards her, local mother, Jane Simmons, told reporters she was going to hide her feelings until everything eventually manifests itself in an odd, unsettling way.
"I’ll start humming the "Ghostbusters" theme loudly during breakfast, or, perhaps, give the plastic plants a bath at 3am," stated Simmons. "Anything I can do to hide what’s going on inside, so I don’t hurt my loved ones’ feelings will work just fine. I’m looking forward to getting really creative this holiday season. That’s when my anger nearly eats me alive!"
"What a dumb bitch," says Caleb Simmons, son, aged 13. "She’s so starved for attention, she acts all crazy, like we don’t know what’s going on. Just open up to your shrink, Mom!"
At press time, Mrs. Simmons was seen carving hand soaps into crude, grotesque cherubs.
