It seems as though every holiday, which is more than a mere government-approved day off, has movies about it. Halloween has a barrel of films, Christmas has about seventeen million and Independence Day has...Independence Day. Say, has anyone ever thought about why they play The Nightmare Before Christmas on both holidays? That bastard, Jack Skellington, is really working for The Man! What about Thanksgiving, though? Thanksgiving is a buffer holiday (along with Halloween) which keeps Christmas from starting in August, but it doesn’t really have any movies and the few it does have (Thankskilling and Thankskilling 3 are the only ones which come to mind) aren’t superb. But, there ARE Thanksgiving movies. They exist, but the problem is that nobody has ever seen most of them—leaving them obscure footnotes in cinematic history. So, here’s a list of some of them, for your enjoyment.
One for the kiddos, this animated feature stars Tom Turkey—an affable turkey, if ever there was one—who prepares, with great zeal, for his big dinner date at the Johnson Family’s house, after overhearing and misinterpreting part of a conversation between Mr. Johnson and Old Farmer Meatstab. His hilarious, headlong plunge toward his own decapitation will entertain all ages.
A look at a company of infantrymen during the Vietnam War, as Thanksgiving comes around during the bloody battle defending Hill 829 from the vicious, and not-particularly-thankful, North Vietnamese Army.
Predicated on the success of the various Lego movies, the use of Lego’s mentally retarded cousin, Duplo, is an inevitability. And, its oversized characters designed for little hands will reveal something about the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
A brutal prison drama, involving rival gangs who are all plotting to control the flow of illegal heroin via a series of well-planned murders and crafty anal rapes.
In this comedy, Adam Sandler stars as a man who, after the untimely passing of his father (also Adam Sandler), realizes that, for the first time in his life, he must be the one to circumcise the Thanksgiving turkey (Adam Sandler), in a light-hearted look at one Jewish family’s traditions. Fun fact: Sandler gained 40 pounds to play the turkey.
After being willed nothing but an old gravy boat after his secretive grandfather dies, Jimmy Felchwick is contacted by mysterious figures, all hell-bent on retrieving it. As he’s drawn into a web of deception and intrigue, he discovers that the gravy boat is the key to a hidden fortune...if he can solve its riddle.
Rap duo Insane Clown Posse star as a professional psychologist named Hefty Sack and his patient, Confucius B. Bitchass—a man with overblown neuroses, who is dealing with trauma incurred on a past Thanksgiving. Fat chicks, clown makeup, turkeys and party hats all feature prominently in this instant classic.
A Thanksgiving villain named the Throatilator is said to stalk the residents of Cornchute, Iowa every couple of years. His savage throat-pitchforkings spread terror throughout the town, as the inhabitants realize a killer has returned and must be stopped.
Beloved childrens’ character Christmas Pirate engages in piracy on Thanksgiving, bringing the spirit of Thanksgiving—as well as a cargo of stolen rum and whores—to New Providence Island in 1715.
Fat Albert and his Junkyard Gang must seek out the true spirit of Thanksgiving, in order to solve a brutal murder and help out their neighbor—in a live-action version, where Fat Albert is played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit, with no mention of Bill Cosby at all.
A romantic comedy, where two couples—gay and lesbian, respectively—must swap partners in order to attend Thanksgiving for two families, without coming out to their parents. In a surprising twist, both sets of parents already knew their kids were gay, but they still play hilarious pranks or coordinate awkward situations, in order to expose the true character of their offspring.
Set in the Old West, this gritty cowboy film features lawman James "Two Bone" Malone, as he tries to catch his arch nemesis, Mordecai "One Horse" Malorse, before Thanksgiving, so he can spend the time with his family, back at the alpaca farm.
No, not that kind of gangbang! This action comedy takes place when the Frankston family comes together for Thanksgiving, but their two sons have each joined rival gangs. Bloods and Crips must sit down and exchange side dishes, gang signs and possibly gunfire, while their bewildered family tries to comprehend the season’s true "colors."
In the wealthy suburb of Cumberland, Trish (Reese Witherspoon) and Bethany (Sarah Michelle Gellar), two housewives who hate one another, but are united by marriage into the same family, must spend Thanksgiving together. Enjoy the drinking and pill-popping spectacle, as both women must hide their animosity from their twin-brother husbands (both played by Vince Vaughn), while they hunker down and eat nothing but salad—each asserting that their respective tattoos of Tinkerbell and Tweety Bird are superior to the other’s.
Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Johnny Bigbody, a science weightlifter at an archaeological dig. When one of his colleagues unwittingly discovers, clones and grows to full size the largest and most dangerous dinosaur of them all—Dinosaurus—he must then jump into action, trying to save all of Thanksgiving from being eaten in this thrill-a-minute ride.
In the modestly distant future, cranberries do not exist on Earth, so in order to bring back the now-legendary gelatinous sauce preserve for Thanksgiving, a pair of hot women get into their skintight spacesuits, purchase a wisecracking android, grab a bucket of space lube and set to retrieve a lost seed bank ship, sent into deep space many years ago.
Yes, that kind of gangbang! This one’s for adults ages 18 and up, and involves the creative endeavors of several unusually attractive people, who come together due to a frankly ridiculous plot, in order to have group sex on a fully-set Thanksgiving table, and, yes, someone does get drilled in the pooper with a festive gourd.
So, while there are definitely some other Thanksgiving films out there, these are the ones I feel can serve as a new tradition among many different types of people, as something to put on T.V. during Turkey Day, that are not football or Christmas-themed crap. If you look these up, expect to not find the best reviews, but by all means watch them. Tune in a few months down the line, as I run a similar type of article when Martin Luther King Jr. Day comes around.
May you be well-fed and reasonably content.
Wombstretcha The Magnificent is a writer, Cream Of Wheat expert, Englebert Humperdinck impersonator, ham deglazer, celebrity anus-print collector and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (and MeWe, the no-jail Facebook) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
