Despite the Plague™ sweeping our already slightly haggard-looking planet, people keep on doing the things they do. They may have to do them at a grudgingly maintained distance while donning customized masks, but they muddle through. They still bitch about grocery shopping, make grand future plans for travel that they definitely won’t do (plague or not), let themselves go for any excuse and even sometimes move out from their ex’s apartment, having to go it alone. Sometimes, they’re forced to look for apartments that are available on a part-time, 7-11 employee’s salary, and our job is to make something that skirts building code violations through bribery and intimidation sound like a great deal. Let’s take a look at some shining examples from previous listings as examples, to help you become the best property management company professional or real estate agent you can be.
Here’s a successfully rented tool shed/ hovel in Maxx Methman’s backyard:
"Huge, fenced, semi-private yard with gorgeous local blackberry foliage. Mother-in-law space with green-positive composting toilet. Hidden Portland treasure. Furnished, but we recommend refurnishing (moving costs not included). Mostly quiet. Close to amenities including shopping, laundry, food, liquor and ‘whatever you need’ from Ricky down at the vacant lot. May need small repairs and fumigation (not included). Located in Lents, an up-and coming neighborhood. $2000/mo + half of bills. First and last, plus $600 security deposit."
One graduate of my writing program, expounding fancifully about a tent under the Burnside Bridge, convinced a prospective renter to take this place sight unseen. Legislation may be pending, but the undisputed poetry of this description can’t be:
"Rustic, old-Portland Charm. Studio with optional amenities. Modular, eco-friendly space located close in. Walking distance to shopping and arts districts. Cute space, breezy, amazing natural lighting, low maintenance, ground floor, public transit a few feet away. Fresh air is not a problem in this modest but desirable spot. Great view of some jazzy street art. Perfect for artists or musicians looking to relocate. Close-knit community. Optional protection from local ruffians association available through ‘Gary.’ $1600/mo +$400 security deposit (Gary is additional)."
Here’s a fine example of what I call "Positive Imaginative Decoration" in a listing for a small shack with holes in its roof, somewhere between Linnton and Portland:
"Private outbuilding converted into a modern, space-conscious unit with energy- efficient skylights. Cute, upcycled industrial style shelving and lighting. ‘Shanty Chic.’ Pending structural investigation, this out-of-the-way gem will take your breath away. Short walk to the river, scenic Linnton-Mill Superfund Restoration Project and a diner we’re not sure is still open. Boating nearby. A steal at only $1975/ mo +$700 security deposit. First and last due at signing. No haggling, this one is a true find."
One success-minded agent sold this weird, rusty, bomb shelter in Battle Ground for the land’s original owner "Mikey T.," who refused to pay for any updates:
"Truly unique opportunity. A hop skip and a jump from the Vancouver-Portland area, this unbelievable find is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It features near-mint, vintage 1960s original furnishings and personal style for miles. Amazing modern-art/archive display of antique canned goods. Completely private, soundproofed space, perfect for ‘getting away from it all,’ screaming into the void for hours or carrying out even the most gruesome murders in complete privacy. Spacious labyrinthine tunnels that end unexpectedly, many un-utilized rooms with no discernable purpose. Natural lighting is limited, but a lovely and original collection of Kitschy-classic lamps and vintage military style string lights give this singular space a warm, inviting glow. Make it your own! Moderate cave-in on the east wing. Pest control problem ‘for sure’ taken care of by Mikey last month. Minor corrosion and oxidation issues to be addressed by the buyer. A bit of a fixer-upper, but for the creatively minded, the perfect place to call your own. $675k. Rent-to-own options available ‘If you seem okay’ from owner, terms may apply. Buyers insurance ‘currently unavailable’ due to negligible safety concerns."
A property management whiz and graduate of my unlicensed and unaccredited (but highly rated on Yahoo!) writing program came up with this colorful description of a hastily converted motel on 82nd Ave. and rented it within the day.
"Apartments under new management. This affordable, truly special one bed, one bath space is in one of the few ‘undiscovered’ neighborhoods in Portland. Close in to great shopping, dining, and some parks that must be somewhere around there. Small business opportunities available via ‘Hangman’s Lending Corporation, Ltd.’ available in Unit 2, ‘Andrew the pimp’ in Unit 6 and ‘Kathy’ at the front desk. Active and vibrant neighborhood, easy to find due to the giant, neon sign out front that sometimes works. ‘Great’ local food and bars. Carpeted, kitchen appliances ‘work fine’ if you kick them. Regularly fumigated, those are absolutely not bedbugs. Cable, heating, and A/C included in the price! Furnishings available upon request. Nice lighting, great feng shui. Must sign Release Of Liability, NDA, and Life Insurance Transfer form upon signing. $1500/ mo. No first and last! $800 nonrefundable cleaning deposit."
Last on our list of exceptional examples of creative writing for the professional slumlord/real estate huckster is this truly verbose performance of literary flourish that’s "strictly true," despite what they might tell the judge. It may have just been a trailer near Gresham, but it was rented out by one of my most successful graduates to date, at the asking price, sight unseen.
"Private furnished manufactured home on a shared lot. Incredibly welcoming, gated community with a down-home feel. Lots of charm and local flavor. Great opportunities for customization and improvement. Brand new updated security system. No reason. Cute, original appliances, septic system is shared and service is not included in the price. Fun space with novel hide-a-bed and shower/ mycology lab. Amazing natural pest control from ‘Linda’s Cat Cooperative’ in the lot down the road is available for a nominal charge. Alternative medicine from ‘Spazzy Joe’ can be found if you just stand outside for a while. Close to public transit, shopping, several hip ‘motorcycle clubs’ and tattoo parlors. Up-and-coming to be up-and-coming, this out-of-the-way nook has a surprisingly active night life. Culturally dynamic, must be seen to be believed. $2000/ mo + $500 space rental. First and last +$900 security deposit. Lease agreement minimum two years. Don’t let this one get away!"
While this may wrap up my list for today, don’t let these be the last. With my instruction, you can learn to rent or sell virtually any leaky backyard shack, creepy, spider infested basement or hole in the ground that someone’s dogs dug. Enroll today in our master class and become the soulless monster you were destined to be.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is available on MeWe and Facebook by name or Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel...and, boy, does she have some exciting new properties to tell you about.
