Let’s not kid ourselves, folks. This last year has pretty much felt like the loser uncle of Armageddon. You know the one; he’s always got some new sure fire business prospect, but somehow, he can’t seem to get out of that same studio apartment with the suspicious stains in the carpet.
Now though, we all look back at some thing like Y2K with dreamy, hazy eyes and think, "Oh, such innocent times..."
It’s been hard on us all, sure, but a brighter future is on the horizon. More and more of us are getting jabbed with virus killin’ autism juice, and before you know it, we’ll be back to the social life we all remember fondly, but honestly wasn’t all that great. Nevertheless, now is the time to make grand plans for that future. In that spirit, here are some ideas to get you back in the swing of existing in a world populated with more than just your goldfish, the cute pizza girl and the Amazon guy who hurls your pack ages over the fence.
LICK EVERYTHING
Start with a bang. Lick that stamp! Hell, lick the wall, lick your car, lick the damn floor. You’ve been vaccinated, which automatically means you’re now immune to pretty much every thing. It’s been so long since anyone’s been out in the world, we’ve all for gotten how to socialize. So, a friend ly lick on the cheek is just as likely to be reciprocated by a smack across the face. Even if it does, a smack across the face is still human contact, and God, we missed that so much, we’ll take anything.
EAT SOME EXOTIC ANIMALS
Where did it come from? Bats? Pangolins? A janitor at a poorly monitored disease research facility looking to make a few bucks on the side? We’ll likely never know for sure, but we do know we’re immune now, so FUCK those guys. Wherever it came from, it wasn’t human and I’m feeling vengeful. I’m 100% sure there’s nothing else you can possibly contract by making a meal of any wet-market score, so what better way of showing your utter disdain for Mother Nature’s wrath, then making it into a loaf?
ATTEND AN ORGY
It’s been so long since you’ve touched anyone; it only fits to jump in the deep end. You can arrange one your self with a colorful, cheery flier on a few choice phone poles or attend one of the absolute floods of prearranged sexcapades that are no doubt on the near-horizon. Just remember, don’t show up to an orgy naked, it’s bad manners. This is also an excellent opportunity to practice licking things as incautiously as possible.
GET FAT
Oh my God, we’ve spent this whole quarantine trying to be Our Best Selves™ and get healthy. We gave up gluten, started running on the tread mill every damn day, lifting weights, quit smoking and drinking (except for THOSE days...you know), started waxing regularly...now that human contact is going to be a thing again, it’s time to put your foot down and say, "Aw, fuck it."
Go to a bar, get wasted, eat three orders of mozzarella sticks, have a one night stand with whoever’s there, smoke, fuck, sleep all day. Bliss.
DO SOMETHING POLITICAL/ DESTRUCTIVE
Oh boy! Crowds can gather again! Time to don a balaclava and smash some shit in the name of whatever’s the current political cause du jour. Finding a reason to get all hot and bothered is easy. Just go to Facebook. That’s it, that’s all you have to do to suddenly be filled with a white-hot rage that can only be appeased by a wanton spree of destruction and property damage. So, get on with your bad selves, time to do some ar son and spray paint something angry and topical on a public building. Yeah!
ACTUALLY ENJOY ALONE TIME
Now that we’re going to be given leave to go out into the world again, I’m personally finding more and more that I absolutely don’t want to. I don’t know about you here, but learning to be an involuntary introvert has been bumpy. The more I go back out into the world, though, the more I want to be at home. Shouting expletives at the cat, ordering in and wearing jammies that are so frail, a gust of wind might turn them to dust, getting high and playing video games...I mean, who wants to go to a party and make awkward conversation with someone you’ve never met and aren’t interest ed in, while blotting out the whole affair with lousy wine? You? Well, good on you then. For the author, I can only say that this entire time has given me a genuine appreciation of how little I like any of you, anyhow.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle Spangle is feeling positively hufly tonight. If you absolutely must talk to her, she is available on MeWe and Facebook by name or Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.
