It’s Monday, which means "medible Monday" specials at the dispensaries. So, being the cheap bastard that I am, I went by my local weed store for some gummies. On a whim, I asked the lady behind the counter if she had anything other than the usual suspects (Wyld, Windberry, Whateverstartswithw), be cause I wanted to spice up my pallet. She recommended a product and told me that her shop hasn’t "had any trouble with it, when it comes to legality." I had no idea what she meant by this (and, this is why I’m keeping the location anonymous), but if anything is legally questionable and flavored with sour apple, I’m going to try it.
This was four or five hours ago, but it’s felt like an eternity—and, a great one at that. I spent my afternoon walk ing around downtown, calling children "sir" because I thought they were midgets, trying to pet geese and smiling at locals that I know I hate. This is all thanks to what was suggested to me at the dispensary—these gummies containing something called "Delta-8," an isomer (basically, a sibling that may as well be a twin, more on that in a second) of THC. For the same price as a 50mg package of normie gummies, you can grab 250mg of Smokies Edibles brand Delta-8 "Cannabis-Infused Green Apple Gummiez." And, let me be perfectly clear—I smoke high-percentage THC every day. My tolerance is bigger than our national debt. It usu ally takes me three or four blunts to get started. But, with the Delta-8 gummies? I took 50mg and was on Cloud 9 (or, as the dad joke in me would say, Cloud) for the entire afternoon.
The best part? Apparently, this shit is more legal than THC, because it’s derived from hemp. I have no idea how this makes a variant of THC legal, but I’m not the type to ask questions in the face of new drugs. The package I ate from does say "cannabis-infused," but the terms "hemp" and "cannabis" are as broad as the term "stripper" or "sex worker," in that they are interchange able in many circumstances, but vastly different in other contexts, depending on who is asking. Either way, when it comes to the botanical science, "too long, didn’t read" as the kids online say.
However, I did read up on the legality of Delta-8, because my weedhead girl friend is flying to Florida next month to test out her new vaccine (and the TSA people are apparently cool with CBD—another mostly legal green product). What’s even weirder, is that there are a handful of states in which Delta-8 has been deemed illegal, but beyond the obvious ones (Utah, Idaho, etc.), there sits...Colorado? Weed mecca of the west, land of Boulder and home of at least two thousand dispensaries named after the Rockies?! Weird. But, as my attorney always said, "legal in Florida is legal in Florida." So, on to why my wifey-in-training is able to bring this shit with her on her COVID challenge trip...
For those of you who weed napped through chemistry class, an isomer is a molecule or ion that shares similar molecular makeup with another molecule or ion. Everyone reading this already knows what Delta-9 is, because... plot twist, it’s commonly referred to as Delta-9 THC. Yep—that THC. Through some sort of weed wizardry that I will never understand, canna-scientists have given us Delta-8 THC, a THC that isn’t technically the "real" THC, the same way that Sublime With Rome is technically not the real Sublime. If someone was tested for "having seen Sublime live," no, Sublime With Rome would not yield a positive test result. But, if the end goal of seeing Sublime live is to hear some Boomer white dude karaoke his way through the lyrics of "Santeria," then yeah, Sublime With Rome is the same thing. Other Delta-8 THC comparisons would be The Misfits, The Ramones, Starbuckses that are located inside Safeways and Hawthorne Strip—literally one degree off from the version you grew up on, but in many ways, faster and better.
Speaking of speed (not the drug, but the physics that the movie Speed was based upon), the Delta-8 gummies I ate hit me quicker than the frat boy whose ass I accidentally bumped into on the walk home. Ho-lee-shit. Com paring this stuff to booze, if regular weed gummies are wine and blunts are beer, Delta-8 is like a shot of vodka injected directly into one’s liver. I’m pretty sure I was high by the time I fig ured out how to re-seal the first necessary childproof bag I’ve ever been given at a dispensary. This is, of course, because"eight"is easier to break down than "nine," in complex science terms or something. The lady at the dispensary mentioned this, but this is a drug column in a nudie magazine, so I won’t get all Neil Degrassi Hawkings on you right now.
Did I forget to mention that "green apple gummy flavor" is not something that goes well with "just eat one?"I just ate two more of these things and now I gotta wrap this article up before I for get what I’m talking about.
So, this stuff is a legal isomer of the illegal THC. Does that mean you can fly with it, to Florida and back? Yes. But, can you stop in Colorado on the way? No. Oh, and will you test positive for "THC" if you apply for a job? Well, that’s another shitty part of weed laws—while (currently) federally legal (which Delta-9 THC isn’t), the standard drug tests required to work for Wagie, Inc. are not complex enough to differentiate Delta-8 from Delta-9. You will test "positive for weed" if you apply for a job at FedEx (which is fucking ironic, considering what half of their packages contain). However, if you’re working for a company that is willing to let you submit your own drug test, you can pay out the ass to prove you don’t have any Delta-9 THC in your system. So, if you’re broke and looking for a job, no dice. But, if you work for Tesla or some shit and want to apply at Spaceforce, you can probably eat as many Delta-8 gummies as you can cram into your astronaut suit, as long as you get an in-depth drug test, from a lab that isn’t located in a strip mall.
Sadly, as a lowercase-L libertarian, I’ve been through this ride before, with e cigarettes, homemade AR-15s and cryptocurrency—legal ambiguity never ends up on the side of the people. Sooner or later, this shit will end up getting the same treatment as "regular-ass" Delta-9 THC. This is why I am stocking up on a ton of it now, while it’s still cheap. And, you should, too do your own research, of course, but definitely get while the getting is good.
Lastly—and, most importantly—the effects of Delta-8 THC are very, very similar to the "hot tub" effects of THC, but without the paranoia (and, surprisingly, no crash or instant nap). The research says there are "no psychoactive effects," but that’s utter bullshit, in the same way that weed is supposed ly "non-addictive." Sure, you won’t be giving handies in the Hot Cake House restroom for bags of it, but if you’re out of stock and can’t find any, it sucks. But, speaking of said "non-addictive" addiction, if I had to travel without "regular" THC for any reason, Delta-8 would serve as a beyond reasonable alternative. I don’t know what kind of "high" this is, but I’m [whatever type of high this is] as fuck.
