What a perilous life I live. Every day. It’s terrible. Truly. I don’t even know what is happening right now. This moment is awful. Mom is gone. She’s surely gone forever now. Forever. She’s never coming ba— oh, there she is!
Mom’s back, everyone! Hey, Mom’s back! Oh man, oh boy, (snarfle snarfle, bug cat, whap other dog in face in excitement) Mom IS BACK!
Okay, now where are you going? Mom, where are you going now? The couch? That couch? Are you going to sit right there? Stop moving. Right there? Okay, here I come.
Mom, I’m going to stare at you now. I need to make sure you see me. Mom, do you see me? Mom? How ‘bout now?
If I breathe really heavy and lick your leg while still staring, will you see me? Mom, I know you see me, say something to me! You’re patting the couch, okay, I come up now? Okay, I’m coming up now.
Okay, I’m gonna sit right here. I have to hurry and sit right on your flank and lap before the other human that’s not you comes to sit on the couch.
That person tries to steal all my attention. But, I know you, Mom. I know you love me more than anything. Mom! Mom, look at me! No, why do you have to move me? I was here first!
Okay, yes, I guess I have to go poop. Don’t make me wait at that door; I’ll shove my nose in it again, thinking it can open that way. Mom! Hurry up. HURRY. Now, I really have to go! I didn’t five minutes ago, but now it is time!
Oh man, smell all that other dog smell! Look, a dog pooped here! Look, Mom, I’m gonna check what it smells like! What? Why are you telling me to stop? I know I need to poop; you don’t need to tell me. I’m a dog; I’m not a baby.
Speaking of which, wow! Hear that baby? It’s crying! The window way up there! Baby is crying! Mom! Do I need to do something right now? Mom, does the baby stop crying? Who’s baby is that? Why is it crying? I think I need to investigate. Why are you pulling me away from the squirrels? Mom! But, the baby is still crying. Mom, those squirrels are yelling at me. No, it isn’t my fault I chased them. That isn’t my fault! Baby is still crying.
Sorry, I forgot to poop. I’ll go next time! Oh boy!
Mom, okay, Mom, okay Mom, listen, I know you have to work. But, Mom, okay, hear this. Mom, if I sit really still and quiet on the bed next to the computer, do you think I can just maybe stare at you for six more hours? I’ll fall asleep staring at you. It’ll be okay, I promise. I promise I won’t make a sighing noise if you let me! I just need to make sure you’re still alive.
Where are you going now? You always close that door behind you when you leave, for what seems like an eternity, but, really, it’s the shortest time you leave out of any time you leave! And, I always hear an angry water sound come afterward. I saw my roommate drink water out of that thing once. He got yelled at for being gross. Why is that gross? Whatever, I’ll just keep sniffing the door and wait patiently outside the door for you to come back out. Maybe you just needed time away from me for a couple of minutes.
Nah, not my Mom. She always keeps me by her because she loves me. I get to go almost anywhere with her because I learned that whining and panting make my Mom love me enough to bring me with her all the time. I’m always excited... until I get in the car. Then, I’m not excited. Then, the world is ending again and filled with terrors. Oh my God, Mom, there isn’t enough air in this car for us both; HOW ARE WE GOING TO LIVE?! MOM! ROLL DOWN MY WINDOW NOW! ROLL IT DOWN SO THAT I MAY STARE OUT OF IT FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE! It’s too windy when you open up the window. But, DON’T CLOSE IT!
Mom, I remember when you used to bring me to the neighborhood bar when I was a puppy. You told me the owner, Mom, named me after a king. I’m a king then, right? Yep, that’s what I thought. I’m a king! Oh boy! Mom! I love you, Mom.
My Mom can be found right by me when I’m on the couch—or in the kitchen when I’m staring at her patiently. Maybe she’ll give me a scrap. My Mom is also sometimes outside when I can see her from the balcony. I don’t like that, because I’m not there. Sometimes, she also takes me to places where they have funny drinks that make Mom more funny. Everyone pets me. Everyone loves Mom. I love Mom. Mom also wanted to say something:
George can be found on IG (@george_loves_hats), where he models his favorite headgear of all styles. I can be found on Facebook, under Hannah Shoemake (Hannah One Cup), or being held hostage by my needy dog, George.
