When we in Western civilization tend to think about the history of sexuality, often what comes to mind is the button-up, missionary-only, religiously domineering Victorian prudishness of Europe and England. The world is a big place, though, and recorded history has some truly notable occurrences of sexy deviance. Let us now take a moment to enjoy some of the more memorable erotic practices from some of the dustier tomes of yore… or casual Google searching, if you prefer. Humans are, after all, a successful species largely because of our habit of either fighting it, eating it, or fucking it.
Ancient Egypt was a culture that was rather notorious for its embrace of public masturbation. Since the tides and life-giving forces of the Nile were so integral to their civilization, it's only a little surprising to learn that they believed their holy waterway was created by godly ejaculate and would masturbate into the river to assure healthy and strong crops on the reg, and would often whack it in public during the celebration of the god Min, who was a representative of their pharaoh's sexual prowess. Interestingly, the worship of Min also employed a very unique aphrodisiac—lettuce. There are a number of theories as to why this is the case, but nevertheless, it remains a curious and notable factoid. Next time, maybe don't poo-poo that salad, I guess.
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1: Whoa, settle down there, Min.
In 1814, the Japanese artist Hokusai painted what would probably become the most well-known Hentai in history. Known more famously for his family-friendly painting "The Great Wave off Kanagawa," Hokusai apparently had quite the imagination for erotic art and gifted the world with a 3-volume collection of "Shunga," or erotic art, including the iconic image "Dream of the Fisherman's Wife," of a shell diver sharing what could loosely be described as an erotic embrace with a couple of cephalopods. We can only hope that interspecies STDs aren't a thing because daaaaaaaaaamn, they don't make an antiviral for octopus AIDS.
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2: A delightful orgy with octopuses, featuring cunnilingus and
various fondling.
While it's fairly common knowledge today that ancient Greek gentlemen took (creepily) young men as lovers to "train" them in the ways of physical pleasure, a less known (and more dubious) habit was of using a device known as an Olisbo-Kollix, or translated literally, "bread dildo." While there is some dispute about the literalness of this—ah—multi-functional baked good—it was apparently greased well with olive oil before use, and I will assume, consumed after with a bit of salt, before a rather uncomfortable, badly chafed walk of shame.
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3: No amount of olive oil lube in the world would make this fun.
In an interesting, if oddly specific (and it feels like maybe a little personal?) legal text dating back to ancient Babylon, a law is laid out that if a man is the father of a virginal young lady who is then taken advantage of by another man, the father of the girl then is permitted to "ravage" the wife of the dude who done the nefarious deed. While this probably felt fair (or at least justified) to the man who wrote the thing, it seems like (as so often is the case in the history of sex) chicks are 100% on the losing side here.
While this one has become reasonably well known by now, I absolutely can't write an article about the history of sex without giving it an honorable mention. In the cloistered, deeply sex-phobic Victorian era, women were considered "hysterical" if they showed any sexual desire (or independent thought) whatsoever. Drugged with opium or laudanum, occasionally committed to asylums, and accused of all manner of wickedness merely for wanting summa that good D, ladies during this time did not have the easiest time when it came to cumming. One remedy that gained some level of popularity during this era was shuttling your hysterical woman off to a medical professional (hard air quotes here) who would manually stimulate her genitals to the point of “hysterical paroxysm” (orgasm). The doctors of the day found this rather grueling, which may have paved the way for the invention of the vibrator. So, thanks, lazy doctors. Unfortunately, not all treatments for female hysteria have been so pleasant and also classically included banging loud noises near the groin, exposure to perfumed/fetid smelling oils to scare a "wandering uterus" back in place, or even hysterectomy.
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4: Better than being committed to an asylum, I guess?
For centuries, the Russian aristocracy employed professional foot ticklers, practiced exclusively by women or eunuchs, as the tickling was meant to stimulate the passions of noblewomen. These ticklers were also expected to sing dirty songs and tell filthy stories—as well as (I'm gonna assume here) provide any passion-inflaming service required of them—you don't say "no" to a czarina, after all. Anna Leopoldovna, regent of Russia from 1740-1741, was said to have at least six professional ticklers on staff. Catherine the Great was equally so inclined and would eventually become known for her elaborate and lurid collection of sexual novelties. Unfortunately, most were destroyed over time, but some notable examples and photographs still exist.
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5: A few of Catherine the Great's fabulous furnishings.
While by no means an exhaustive list of codified deviances (not even close), it certainly is a fun diversion to glimpse into the past and realize not everyone was a stodgy, prudish, religious zealot, and that sometimes our ancestors really knew how to unleash the kraken (or octopus, loaf of bread, etc.) and have a good time.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a writer, artist, and a big fan of both octopus and bread… just not in that way. She can be tracked down on Facebook as Esmeralda Marina and Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.