It begins. The rush to push Xmas into the forefront of the collective consciousness starts as soon as they can get away with it; the onslaught stemmed only by the stalwart fall holiday of Halloween. Were it not for pumpkins and spooks, Xmas would likely commence in August, instead of merely being the worst three months of the year. Compulsory consumerism, feigned affection, insipid movies, and the wanton indulgence of already-spoiled children are the orders of the day. You should have been on it already, at this point, but never fear, I've got a kids toy roundup for anyone desperately in need of some intel on the Xmas toy scene. I specify "kids" toy roundup, as I believe someone else in the Exotic office drew "adult toy roundup" from the topic hat.
That's right; your author actually went to a number of physical stores in order to catalog the most ridiculous hunks of child-oriented crap for sale this year. No foolin'. I actually went to places to get the lay of the land. Not having kids myself, I don't really know what they're into these days. I saw some shit that made me wish they'd had it when I was wee, some old standbys, and the stuff I came for: the bad and/or odd. Here we go. Products are not ordered according to any kind of ranking.
Fisher-Price “Work From Home” Office Playset
The last two years have been weird. Half the world's workforce has realized that they don't actually have to go to an office to do their jobs, much to the chagrin of middle management who want to seem important. Kids' playsets have historically included all manner of workplaces, from restaurants to retail and, of course, construction, because the kids are keen to emulate the exciting world of working adults. That said, does this really do it for them? The humble playset includes a fake mobile phone (with a picture of dogs in a Zoom-conference like setting), microphone headset, plastic laptop with calendar and spreadsheet icons (as well as cat pictures) which Velcro to the "screen," and a tiny version of a knock-off Starbucks cup. The smiling child on the box attempts to conceal the overwhelmingly grim and fundamentally depressing nature of this sit-on-your-ass-and-stare-at-screens playset. $25.
Game of Thrones – Iron Throne Construction Kit
We all remember a very different time, where the gritty fantasy show "Game of Thrones" was captivating viewers for years until they utterly blew it with the last seasons. Well, I'm not sure why they slept on getting this one to the market, but it seems a little late to me. Anyhow, if little Billy or Suzie ever wanted to bring the excitement of the show to their own lives, there's this "Mega Construx" kit that lets you build your very own Iron Throne. It comes complete with tiny Cersei, Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen, and Night King figures, which could be used to revisit any number of the memorable murder or sex scenes from the show's run. $30.
Chest Nut – The Electric Ride-On Horse
It is what it sounds like. It's a large stuffed horse, about two and a half feet high and about three feet long, which kids are supposed to ride. Calling it a "stuffed horse" does it something of a disservice, as it only roughly approximates the appearance of a horse. It basically looks like they took a plush horse head, then stitched that head onto a footstool, with a brown bath towel glued to it. It boasts an impressive list of features, such as "removable bandana" and "realistic horse noise." So, once you plunk a car battery into the bowels of the beast, your kids can tool around at a modest 2.5 mph, on smooth surfaces only, while removing the bandana and activating the realistic horse noise—what a way to spend 250 US dollars.
Lego Harry Potter Advent Calendar
This is like an anti-gift. Sure, Lego is fun and all, but this is a Harry Potter Advent Calendar, the latter part meaning that getting it as a Xmas gift is pointless unless you want to wait a year to play with it. Also, I was under the impression that Christians, at whom Advent calendars are typically directed, do not approve of Harry, either for religious reasons or perhaps in an uncharacteristic display of good taste. Though Harry Potter is possibly one of the most widespread fandoms in the English-speaking world, even the biggest fan of Silly British Wizard Shit would probably pass this one by. $35.
Melissa & Doug's Dust! Sweep! Mop!
I have to divert a bit from the rest of the list, which tends to be bad or unusual toys, in order to point out this actually rather good idea. It's a set of child-sized domestic cleaning gear, such as brooms, dustpans, and mops. Rather than merely being simulacra, these are legitimate tools. If you can get your kids to clean your house as part of playtime, then you are truly a genius parent. The kit only costs $20, too, so even if they don't think house cleaning is the sweetest tits, then you're not out much and can always put out a Craigslist ad for a dwarf roommate if you really want to make good on your investment.
Fur Real Poopalot
It's a fake dog. A fake dog you take for fake walks. A fake dog you take for fake walks and hit a button to make it fake poop. A fake dog you take for fake walks, hit a button to make it fake poop, and then fake clean up after it using the provided fake shit shovel. Thanks to the box, though, I know how to say "I poop" in French, German, Spanish, and Portuguese. I guess they're hoping this pooper trooper is going to take Europe by storm. Shit storm. $40.
Farmland Hickory Smoked Ham & Water Product
Nestled between some board games (and above the Poopalot) in the toy section was this curious addition. Claiming to be both gluten-free and lean, this 2.5 lb slab of pork and water is as festive as it is durable. Requiring only the barest level of refrigeration to remain usable, it is sure to provide hours of entertainment for anyone aged three and up. Price not marked, but similar toys retail for about $2.95 a pound.
The Breast Milk Baby
Okay, while I mentioned that these were not sorted by ranking, I saved the breast for last. The Breast Milk Baby is a baby doll, which I'm sure you might have guessed, and it involves feeding that doll breast milk. Now, how does one breastfeed a baby doll? Why, with a breast, of course! The Breast Milk Baby (or BMB) comes with a special "bib" of sorts, which has breasts (or at least lumps) and dainty, flower-shaped nipples, which you can cram into the rapacious BMB's hungry maw, as it makes hollow sucking noises. So, you strap on the tits, clamp on the baby, and as the packaging says, "enjoy the magic of motherhood." If you want your own BMB, be prepared to shell out 90 goddamn dollars for the pleasure.
Those are the outstanding items for 2021. I have visions of a haggard 6-year-old who got the Breast Milk Baby, the Work-From-Home Playset, and the broom and mop kit, all making for a fairly realistic parenting simulator. There's your magic of motherhood, asshole. Anyhow, all of these items are 100% real and available for purchase, wherever they sell stupid shit. Merry Xmas and such. May you not scald the baby by accidentally spilling your Hot Nog™ on it and subsequently never be invited back for the holidays at Cousin Sylvia's place again.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a writer, hippopotamus hunger evaluator, long-distance shopping cart return expert, S.T.A.L.K.E.R., and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
