These are trying times, etc., etc. Between the pandemic, the widespread job losses, the skyrocketing rent, and the ever-increasing tent cities, the "cool" factor of Portland is at an all-time low. Clearly, Portland’s "cool" factor is the most important effect of these unprecedented global events. Who reading this magazine would argue? To be honest, it has been a continuous downhill plummet since the peak, sell-out "cool" of the Portlandia days, so the pandemic isn’t wholly to blame. It was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. It lifted the veil, exposing the cracked and crumbling infrastructure of the state of our house show economy.
Jokes aside, a co-worker actually referred to the "economy of house shows" here in Portland and how it’s been in steep decline for the better part of two decades. Thinking of the state and value of house shows in Portland and some sort of economy made me realize that, just like the "real" economy in America that’s also in a flaming nosedive, this little house show market collapse can be solved with some misdirection, empty promises, and fancy talk!
Don’t you dare try to convince me that this problem can be solved by just throwing money at it. We all saw what happened with those terrible, society-destroying stimulus checks. That last fourteen-hundred-dollar check is the real reason gas is six dollars a gallon now! Quick, look that way! Will Smith slapped Chris Rock! Don’t think too hard about the nuances of economics! But on the real, if we’re gonna throw money at this problem, the only people that it makes sense to do it for are the landlords! Yes. Throw all the money at them! They will surely trickle down the throbbing gobs of cash we inject in their thirsty veins to the artists and patrons that literally make up the very concept of a music scene.
Ha. Ha. If you remember correctly, the former editor in chief of this fine publication once described me as "left of Stalin." This economic recovery is going to be centrally planned, comrade.
With these three easy steps, we can once again prosper as the cliquey house show hub of America!
Step 1: Eliminate Private Ownership of Said Houses!
Do not think of this as some bloody, Soviet-style takeover of innocent landlords shafting their poor artist tenants. Have you ever rented to a musician? It’s a nightmare! We’re liberating these house-hoarding "entrepreneurs!" As our United Musicians’ Party marches through the dismal streets of inner southeast Portland, we’ll knock on every door where we hear a band playing way too loud in the basement and inquire about who owns this house. Us now! What landlord? The trick to having a good house show economy is making sure the house’s sole purpose is to throw house shows. These are not houses for living in&mash;they are for throwing parties with live music and lots of alcohol. Bedrooms in these houses exist only for mashing genitals and ripping lines. Who in their right mind would rent one out to sleep in? We all know what this house looks like&mash;and how it smells. We confiscate the ideal ones, where we know memories&mash;good and bad&mash;can be made. Preferably ones with a large basement or fairly open living room. (Side note for wannabe house show houses&mash;stop trying to put your stage in a fucking bedroom! Like what the fuck? It’s a bedroom. I’m sorry, you don’t have room for a live band in there!) Instead of charging for rent, these houses will extract money from partygoers! And donations are always welcome. We’ll even let some young burnout live in each place as a caretaker, rent-free. Basically, they have to make sure the doors are locked on off nights and clean up the morning after shows. It’s not a bad living! And look, we’re giving couch-surfing bums a job they’d be great at and mostly already do! Rent parties in London in the ’60s used to be a thing. Look it up. This time around (after property taxes), the money coming in from these shows will help fund steps two and three.
Step 2: Booze and Coke Dole
Any great society that intends to last needs to provide some kind of baseline sustenance for its participants. It’s not unreasonable to argue that the reason the Roman Empire lasted several centuries past its natural expiration date was because of the grain dole. Bread and circuses go a long way. Take a fucking hint, America. But in our little micro music utopia, we’ll make do with just keeping the party favors flowing. You won’t feel bad for paying to get into one of these People’s House Shows ’cause you can always expect free beer and cocaine, for fuck’s sake! Also, since the uppers and downers are being rationed out, there’s less chance of some asshole getting too drunk or high and fucking up the vibe for everyone else. No more vomiting and passing out in the backyard or getting coke dick in one of the bedrooms upstairs. Sensible portions for all! And all paid for by your entry fees and donations. Can you feel the economy of house shows recovering? I sure can. And before you ask why there isn’t a weed dole, I remind you: weed is legal in Oregon and cheap as shit! Buy your own, you lazy fucking hippie&mash;this isn’t a nanny state!
Step 3: Security
So the one disadvantage of house shows and probably why they’ve been in a sad decline in Portland since the ’90s, is accountability. It’s the Wild West at a private party, and creeps and pervs are free to roam and ruin everyone’s night. This is the distinct advantage of bars and other public spaces for music. You got bartenders to cut drunk assholes off and bouncers to kick them out. At house shows, the good times are a little less guaranteed. You can only vibe out so many bad apples, and eventually, the bro squad will get too drunk and tired to be stumbling knights in shining armor. Imagine the carefree, spontaneous feel of a house show, but with paid, sober staff? They’d be easily recognizable in our party colors and standing at attention around various corners of one of our house shows. If someone’s not taking a hint, just run to one of these fine thugs, and point out the thirsty drunk bastard you want thrown in the gulag&mash;I mean outside in the gutter.
Together, we can make house shows in Portland great again! Who’s with me?
