"Go make friends!" has been a sentence we have heard since before grade school started. Approximately about the time when that new neighbor kid moved in that you didn’t actually care to know (you just wanted to play with their toys). And even though in your tiny kid body, your small, scrunched up heart was not wanting to "go make friends" with this nose-picker, you would grudgingly meander your way to your neighbor’s yard to see if this kid wanted to hang out. Again, for the good of seeing what toys tiny Tommy had.
But that was then, and this is now. And you’re old and confused about how to talk to people, for some reason. I get it; it happens to all of us. Some of us grow out of it organically or by sheer will. Others are comfortable being the awkward roommate that still barely says hello to the people they live with and jumps (out of sheer surprise) every time someone walks down the hall at the same time as them. Like, "Oh shit, another person is walking in the same hallway as me. Fuck, now what do I do? I guess I’m just gonna stand in this corner awkwardly...no wait, that’s weird. I’m just gonna go back to my room and close the door and wait to see if I hear them leave the hallway." Perfect coping mechanisms used for a perfectly normal, awkward situation in your daily life.
Yet your "friend(s)" you do have still say to you, "go make some friends!" as if you’re back at being five years old, and this/these individual(s) appear to not count as "friends" for all of five minutes. They are, instead, your mother, shooing you away so that they can have five minutes to themselves to go sneak a smoke.
So, what do you do when this happens? Stand there awkwardly like you do in the hallway at home? Retreat to the bathroom and just wait for your friend(s) to get back? Whine about what a terrible friend they are for asking such a thing of you? Well, I mean, you could do all these things. And I speak from personal experience when I say they don’t work out to anyone’s benefit, and the car ride home is just awful and silent.
I’ve come up with ways to solve this problem, and yes, I consider this a problem. You’re socially awkward, old, and have one friend, be honest, maybe two. Let’s figure this whole ‘making friends’ thing out together, shall we?
Tip #1: If you happen to have one of these "friends" that tells you constantly to go make friends, tell them you are and that they didn’t make the cut. Then walk out of wherever this situation has taken place and ask some random person outside if you can pretend to laugh at something they said. When they say, "uh...ok?" you do so with obvious exaggeration that your ex-friend walks out confused, hurt, and feeling left out. The person you pretended to laugh with/at is then mildly intrigued by your likely lunacy, and they ask if you want to go grab drinks with them and their friends. Voila, you just made friends and got rid of old so-and-so "make friends" bitty.
Tip #2: Bring homemade treats everywhere you go and be that friend that always has homemade treats with them everywhere they go. It’s amazing how many friends some homemade snickerdoodles will make you. And what’s more, they’re flippin’ easy to make, so you could logically have a continuous fountain of friends at your disposal if you kept this up. It really depends on how many friends you actually want to keep track of, which will be your peak here. How many friends are necessary to forget you ever had a long-term best bud whom you left at the bar because they asked you to make friends?
Tip #3: Become a writer for a free magazine and watch as you gain both fans and friendships thanks to the article you write, showcasing areas of your awkward life that you are surprised to discover others have in common with you. "Oh my God, I thought I was the only one who used my dog as an excuse to leave parties!" or "HA! I totally wake up thinking I just murdered someone all the time!" Again, you’ll gain a lot of fans and friends here, be wary of who you allow to invite you back to their place. Especially if you hear that last comment, and you’re sitting in a bar where you just saw three police cars zoomy-zooming because of a likely code 931 or some other 350, which really would have been a code R* but you’re in this city, and that’s what they do. Zoom.
Tip #4: Show an interest in the things people around you are saying. When you show up to a party, or more likely, the bar, if you hear someone talking about a subject, any at all, feign interest in whatever it was they were saying. Sure, you walked into this conversation uninvited and halfway through, but that last half was so intriguing. To feign interest correctly, tap the person on the shoulder lightly so they can see your reaction, or better yet, accidentally spill their drink (not yours, you just got there), apologize, and simply say "continue" as you continuously nod your head up and down, eyebrow a little furrowed, as if deep in thought, and say things like "Jesus" or "fuck man" or "I totally understand." Whether or not you do totally understand because you walked into this conversation during the middle of storytime matters not. Just pretend like you do. BAM. Friends for life...or at least the entirety of this conversation, and at this location.
Tip #5: Do something you wouldn’t normally consider a hobby and be the loudest person in the room. You never considered doing competitive duck herding, especially having to drive outside the city to do so, but here you are. Totally out of your element and completely terrified of ducks and those hissing noises they sometimes make. Look around you; these people you see collecting these disgusting quacking creatures are your people now. Be loud, be proud, and ask Karen how it’s going over there with her ducks as you yell across the park at her&mash;scaring her ducks away further. This is a competition, after all. You and Karen can hash it out after this whole whacky Benny Hill-esque moment is through, over a nice cold beer.
And those, my people, are my five tips on how to make friends as an adult. I say this from experience; they all work to some extent. So have fun out there. Maybe try moose herding or extreme ironing if you’re terrified of ducks. Hannah One Cup can be found signing autographs at Joe’s after running away from what turned out to be a flock of geese, not ducks. They also enjoy learning random radio codes & signals on this one website, whose layout hasn’t been updated since 1994. (bearcat1.com/radiowa.htm)
Hannah One Cup can be found signing autographs at Joe’s after running away from what turned out to be a flock of geese, not ducks. They also enjoy learning random radio codes & signals on this one website, whose layout hasn’t been updated since 1994. (bearcat1.com/radiowa.htm)
