The things you can be arrested for are constantly growing. It’s not surprising since people are always doing idiotic things and finding new, stupid ways to get themselves attention from the cops. However, sometimes, there are laws that make their way into the books (somehow) and never, ever leave. They remain intact in the law books for generations, and no one says boo. For example, in the state of Washington, you could still (technically) be fined for buying meat, of any kind, on Sunday. Does this still happen? Do people still get fined for buying a steak for their grill on Sunday? No...but that doesn’t stop the law from still sticking around. Just in case a cop was, I guess, really bored one day or had to meet quota, the law stays written as fact. Also, it apparently takes a really, really, really long time to remove laws from the books, which is funny as it doesn’t seem to take as much effort to put them there in the first place, no matter how absurd it is.
So, with that said, let’s go into some strange laws in both Oregon and Washington that are still, to this day, written in stone.
In Washington, it is illegal to pretend one’s parents are wealthy. I really tried digging for this one and almost didn’t include it. Apparently, this was a classism issue. One which actually remained in the books but is not a crime anyone is arrested for any longer. Shame on you, James (Jimmy), for lying your way into the McCallister’s mansion by saying you had a well-to-do mummy and daddy!
Also in Washington, in the town of Wilbur, you cannot legally ride a horse that is considered ugly. Whether the decision on the attractiveness of the horse was decided by a collective or by one lone soul is not defined, but unsightly equines were a serious matter, apparently.
In Oregon, in the county of Marion, it is illegal to eat a donut while walking down the street backward. I mean, honestly, this just makes sense. I feel like I would be unable to properly enjoy a donut if I was run over or continuously bumped into by people on the sidewalk. Just sayin’.
In the city of Portland, which stole the slogan "Keep it weird," it is considered illegal to be married on a skating rink. I guess it doesn’t really matter since there is really only one skating rink left, and it’s at the mall, which is also not really a thing anymore. Does anyone even still ice skate, anyway? Really?
In Oregon, it is illegal to use canned corn as fishing bait. Now, this actually isn’t the whole truth. You can use canned corn, so long as it isn’t creamed. It also can’t be used in chumming. I don’t know why I know this. Just don’t be an asshole and dump a whole can of creamed corn in the pond you’re fishing in.
In Hood River, Oregon, it is illegal to juggle without a license. A city representative said this is a legitimate law, but one which is not enforced and couldn’t be found in any city documents. So, why this representative knows this knowledge for a fact is beyond me.
In Oregon, a law was needed to stop people from carrying their children on the hoods, fenders, running board, or any other external part of a motor vehicle. I remember when this law was put into effect because I was no longer able to ride in the back of our friend’s pickup truck to get to the ice cream store. I also remember a story about a family having too much shit in their car when going camping, so they put the car seat—with the baby—on the roof of their car. This ended as you think it would have. Like I said, people are—and always will be—stupid, and looking for attention, even in the worst ways.
In Washington, X-rays cannot be used to fit shoes. This was interesting. In the late 1890s, a device called the "Foot-o-scope" was created to measure your feet accurately. All with only 7,000 times more radiation than is considered safe today, placed into your body. Anyway, yes, Washington made this illegal, finally. Sometime in the 1970s.
In Washington, it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police before he enters the town. This was apparently set up to curb the increasing crime rates in the area, but because this law is so stupid, it (of course) affected nothing.
In Everett, Washington, it is illegal to display a hypnotized person in a store window. This was apparently a huge ordeal in Everett and is still watched for. How diligently people are on the lookout for this, I would know not.
In Spokane County, strippers may not come closer than 4 feet to any customer. Don’t have too much fun at Déjá Vu Showgirls, ya hear?
In Oregon, it is illegal to whisper dirty things in your lover’s ear during sex. Who wrote this? How do they know when Kevin is whispering "penis" in Debbie’s ear? Perverts!
In Oregon and Washington, it is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of the highway. This needed to be written as law, yes.
So, there are the facts. True facts, bizarre, even educational. What would we do without the law? I suppose you’d find me hypnotizing people and displaying them as models in weird places. Like maybe, in an aquarium, next to the shark tank. Or, on the Ferris wheel—or the morgue! I would also definitely be caught juggling in Hood River (where it’s also illegal to smoke a cigarette...anywhere in Hood River, yet they sell cigs at the Shell station). What even is that if not attempting to assist in breaking the law right out the door? Just be safe, don’t have too much fun in Spokane, and please don’t throw poo out the window when driving. Set it down gently on the sidewalk, like everyone else is doing.
Hannah One Cup can be found attempting to buy Foot-o-Scopes online because she really wants to get a good look at her bones and doesn’t really care about radiation poisoning (it’s not real). She will NOT be found calling the chief of police the next time she heads into the city with the intent of possibly robbing a bank. Where’s the fun in tattling on yourself so soon? She hopes everyone rips this article out after enjoying the magazine and keeps it folded for safekeeping the next time you think of doing something stupid or...having too much fun in Spokane.
