When we conjure images of ancient Roman culture, we think of gladiator fights, togas, warriors with funny hats, giant mosaics, huge public baths, mind-boggling architecture, and emperors getting stabbed. We also think of Pompeii: the city swallowed by a volcano when Mount Vesuvius erupted around 79 AD.
The curious thing about Pompeii, and its sister city of Herculaneum, is that the volcanic ash very nearly perfectly preserved things as they were nearly 2,000 years ago. People and animals fixed in place, like slightly morbid statues, to serve as memories of times nobody can recall.
From this, we learned about their culture, their habits, their general way of life, and the city they built for themselves. We also learned about some other things... You see, when excavating this wondrous find from antiquity, unearthing artifacts and buildings to learn about these people, we also found antique graffiti.
On the walls of the city, the walls of taverns, brothels, shops, and even government buildings, there was graffiti.
A reminder that yes, we may have come a long way, though even when we live in a cyberpunk dystopia instead of ancient Rome, our humanity endures in the same style, so we shall examine what they were doing.
I will list some of the best ones I can look up. An interesting thing about many of these is that Pompeii and Herculaneum were so very well frozen in time that we actually know the names of many of the places which had graffiti put on their walls. To write and draw, the people mainly used charcoal, chalk, or even chisels to carve into the stone because apparently, people used to tote chisels around for...reasons.
Oh, and in addition to actual words, there is a historical record of them having drawn an astounding volume of dicks on things. The people of Pompeii were absolutely prodigious cock-related vandalism experts.
Let’s take a look at what they had to say about things going on. I will provide locations where I can, in case you want to time travel.
The list, not ranked or in any particular order:
From the Tavern of Verecundus: "Restituta, take off your dress, please, and show us your hairy pussy."
Behind a musician’s house: "Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is ass-fucking you. Salvius wrote this." (Damn, Salvius didn’t play.)
From the Bar & Brothel of Innulus and Papilio: "Weep, you girls. My dick has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s buttholes! Goodbye, wondrous women!"
Bar of Athictus (just to the right of the front damn door): "I fucked the barmaid."
A brothel called the Lupanare: "On June 15th, Hermeros fucked here along with Phileterus and Caphisus."
House of the Centenary: "Secundus took a shit here," written three times on one wall. Not sure if he took three shits or just wrote about it three times. The historical record is unclear on that.
By the sailor’s baths and a bar: "Two friends were here. While they were, they had completely bad service from a guy named Ephroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and a half sestertii* most agreeably on whores."
House of Pascius, by the side door: "To anyone shitting here, beware of the curse! If you look down on this curse and shit anyhow, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy!"
Outside an eatery: "The finance officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison."
Some banter outside a tavern:
"Successus, a weaver, loves the innkeeper’s slave girl named Iris. She, however, does not love him. Still, he begs her to have pity on him. His rival wrote this. Goodbye!" (From a man named Severus.)
"Are you jealous? Why do you get in the way? Submit to a better man, and one who is being treated very wrongly, though he is very good looking." (Answer by Successus.)
"I have spoken. I have said all there is to say. You love Iris, but she does not love you."
(Clap back by Severus, who is pretty much calling him a simp.)
At the gladiator barracks: "On April 19th, I made bread." Why do people boast to this day about making bread?
Also at the gladiator barracks: "Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera."
Outside a guy named Vibius’ house: "Atimetus got me pregnant."
Outside a brothel called the Lupanare: "I fucked a lot of girls here."
On a government building: "Phileros is a eunuch!"
On the wall of a business: "A copper pot went missing from my shop. Anyone who returns it to me will be given 65 sestertii. 20 more will be given for information leading to the capture of the thief!"
On a government building: (Virgula to her friend Tertius) "You are disgusting!"
Outside a wealthy man’s house: "Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, took a good shit here."
After years of exhaustive research since this was unearthed, we pretty well understand that the walls in ancient Roman towns and cities were basically early social media. People calling each other assholes, talking about the meal they just had, bragging about sex, talking smack, and lamenting their lives. Thankfully, we modern types don’t discuss our bowel evacuations as much as the ancient Romans seemed to, as that would come with pictures these days.
Habere fun et salvus erit!
-Wombstretcha
*The aureus was a standard gold monetary unit of ancient Rome and the Roman world. It means "gold money" and was equal to 25 silver denarii; the bronze sestertii were equal to one-quarter of a denarius, so they basically banged the equivalent of a couple of fifty-dollar hoes if anyone’s wondering.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a defecation enthusiast, dick-drawing artisan, bread-making wall boaster, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, Oregon. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
