Mother nature is, at her heart, a hardcore surrealist. Look at anglerfish, peacocks, Steven Tyler... The natural world is filled with mysteries we may never fully understand, no matter how hard we try. And we do try! Science loves a mystery—especially a sexy one. With this in mind, let’s take a brief tour of the reproductive habits and equipment that are part of the spectrum of life on Earth and do our best not to point and laugh.
Hauling around human junk is weird enough, but a surprising number of mammals also have to tote around a penis bone. You heard me correctly, folks, a bone in the bone. It’s widespread amongst placental mammals and can be found in many species of primates, dogs, bats, rabbits, and so on. Its purpose is twofold: 1) You can get it on for as long as you please (or as long as she please), without worrying about losing your woody because it’s always a woody! 2) You can poke stuff with it.
While many of you may have heard of this interesting evolutionary do-whopper, I’m guessing that many of you aren’t aware that there’s an analogous female bone called the Os clitoridis. Yep, a clit bone. Amazing that someone managed to find it.
A number of species of flatworms that are hermaphroditic (such as Pseudobiceros hancockanus—I swear to fucking God, all scientists are 12-year-olds trapped in adult bodies) will, when having a sexy encounter with one another, whip out their "stylets," or more accurately, dick swords. They will then do glorious battle (penis fencing has its own Wikipedia page!), jabbing, slashing, and parrying, trying to avoid being pricked by a prick. When a dick sword stabs through the flatworm, sperm is transferred through the cut, potentially causing impregnation. Being pregnant is a huge resource sink, and a flatworm would be better served to just wham-bam-thank-you-they/them than have to carry around a bunch of babies for God knows how long. Sometimes there’s a winner, sometimes there’s a loser, and sometimes everyone goes home knocked up.
If you know, you know, but if you don’t, you’re in for a wild ride into the nightmare-fueled realm of duck penises. Why and how they ended up as the most inconvenient wine bottle opener ever was a matter of some debate until scientists noticed that the duck vagina is arguably weirder. They’re filled with blind pouches, dead ends, and narrow spirals and have been described by biologists as "Labyrinthine."
The South American lake duck breaks all the records here, with penile lengths up to 42.5cm (it’s in Guinness if you want to check). It has the highest penis-to-body length ratio in the animal kingdom (with one notable exception) and absolutely will not stop bragging about it. Don’t sweat it too much, though, because the male duck becomes erect and ejaculates in about 1/3 of a second, so it’s not all sunshine and roses.
It’s not only the duck that has a weird wang, oh no, sir. The python has a forked penis with two heads that can grip and restrain a female with spines, grooves, or hooks if she is unconvinced that she should stick around (nature is pretty rapey, you’re not wrong).
As a monotreme, echidnas (like platypuses) are one of the only mammals in the world to lay eggs. Australian fauna all reminds me of like, maybe if God smoked an absolute metric ton of weed, took a handful of mushrooms, did some Ketamine and blow, and then just as an afterthought, created a whole continent of animals that are so fucking weird, no one will eat at their lunch tables with them except each other. I don’t have much to say about the echidna penis because a picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s something you just can’t unsee. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.
The Argonaut, otherwise known as the Paper Nautilus, remembers the ’90s well. Specifically, 1992. More specifically, King Missile’s 1992 radio hit "Detachable Penis." They remember it because it was the one time that someone noticed and cared enough to write a song just for them. Yes, you guessed it, the Argonauts have a detachable penis. They can hang out, eating and chilling with friends while its schlong goes on a different kind of mission. The "hectocotylus" (wang) can swim completely independently of the Nautilus, approaching a female, buying her a drink, charming her with a bawdy tale, and bending her over a dumpster in the alley out back without its owner even noticing. I’m wondering if they ever get mixed up ("Hey, I think this is yours") or if they have some kind of homing beacon. So many questions, so few answers.
Barnacles are unassuming. We barely even think of them as animals; they’re more just something to cut yourself on when you go to the beach. That’s why it may come as some surprise to you that barnacles have the largest penis-to-body size ratio in the whole of Animalia. It’s got a cock that’s nearly eight times the length of its own body. Why? Well, barnacles are stuck in place for life. It’s like quarantine, but it lasts forever. No amount of DoorDash and binge-watching shows can make that appealing. What might, though, would be to have a dick long enough to reach your neighbor’s door, knock, let itself in, and fuck all the inhabitants therein. That’s how the barnacle rolls, and I’m on board with that.
While by no means an exhaustive list, I hope this has left you somewhere between nauseated, informed, and amused. Please don’t hesitate to gross out your friends with all your new facts.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a writer (sort of), artist, and purveyor of cognitive dissonance. She can be found on Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.
