So, it’s time to move. Change is in the air, and possibly less expensive rent, or mortgage, if you own. But, let’s be honest here, nothing is getting cheaper, and you probably don’t own anything of value, let alone a piece of real estate. If you do, good on you. Stay put, and don’t be a sell-out to the menaces of society, who already own three condos and one home and want to flip your hard-earned piece of land and manufactured home so that we can put another self-storage space in; which so graciously allows you to put all the things you can’t fit into the studio you "upgraded to," into an 8x10 heated box with a lock on it.
Yes, it is time to move. For me personally, it is one of the most draining experiences I could ever experience. It takes too long, there are too many steps to finish a process, and you’re supposed to also be organizing what’s in your boxes? Along with labeling what room they go in? And putting bubble wrap around stuff? That’s for the birds.
In all honesty, I do wish I was a more organized planner and person, in general. Instead, my brain attempts to conquer BPD, anxiety, depression, and frankly bizarre episodes of mania all at once, while putting heavy books in the same box as a few pairs of socks, assuming I’ll be able to find it all later (I never do and am usually missing at least 7 socks and one book).
Anyway, why don’t we get down to business here and start going over some tips and tricks I’ve learned to either ignore or feign a feeble attempt at performing to make moving into a new place easier and less stress-inducing.
1. Get rid of shit, first! You have a wardrobe that is over 15 years old. Get rid of some of that crap. You will never fit into that pair of pants again because you aren’t 17. So, get rid of them and your dreams to look like Britney Spears did back in 1999. It isn’t happening. Getting rid of shit before you continue to pack up your GLO jeans is in everyone’s best interest. Start fresh, get a new pair of mom jeans, a new dream, and get rid of all those cups you swear you use. You know you don’t. Quit lying.
2. Ask your work, bar, and neighborhood for boxes before you spend 5 dollars a box at U-Haul. What a racket. U-Haul is literally hauling in the money from all the crap they provide you at such astronomically high rates. That liquor store you visit to procure your liquids probably has some decent, hefty boxes. Go there. It’s free, and they definitely won’t mind handing them out.
3. Make a list of all the areas of your abode and pack things by area of the room. For instance, I have five boxes of just bookshelf shit. I label it as such: "Uncle Nosferatu photo, BREAKABLE," or, "Old books probably worth money, IDK, FRAGILE," or in the bathroom area, "Cough stuff that doesn’t really work," or, "More hair stuff you don’t use." (See, I didn’t go through all the shit before I moved this time. Not as well, anyway.)
4. Once you have done one section of your home, sit down, look at your list, cross it off, and go have a drink. You’ve earned it. Make it a double, then call me over. I’ll drink the rest if you can’t and be there to...motivate you to keep going along the way.
5. Friends that offer to help are great, but only when you know how their brain works. See, I have only one friend I actually allow to help me with moving because I know how they function in an organizational sense. I know where things will be packed, how delicately they will handle my breakables, and what they will probably label the boxes. Usually, it’s something extremely unrelated to anything in the actual box. Maybe a movie quote or something. But it works—I don’t know why.
So yes, only accept a friend’s help if you both understand each other’s organizing methods. Otherwise, you’ll both get frustrated just trying to find that matching sock (it’s missing in the box with the big books). Let them be your cheerleader; if they really want to help, have them make you a drink. But dear Satan, don’t let them try organizing the CD collection you still have. Also, get rid of your CD collection.
6. Attempt not to have a panic attack every day. That’s it. That’s all I can say about that. I can’t really tell you how NOT to, since saying "calm down" does no one absolutely any good. Just try not to. If you do manage to have a panic attack, just bury your head under the covers, cry for a minute, yell into the pillow, take a nap, put on a tv show, and then get back to it. Because in the end, no one is going to get this done but you. Perspective! No pressure or anything.
7. After you have successfully completed these steps and not had a mental breakdown, you should probably look into getting a storage facility, as well as a U-Haul or something like that. Chances are, you waited until the last possible minute to get these two things, which was a crap move on your part because you didn’t realize how many people use moving trucks or need storage (apparently a lot). So, now you should work on getting yourself on a waitlist for the U-Haul closest to you, which is about 45 minutes away now, and get that storage unit, which of course, will cost you a quarter of what rent cost five years ago. Makes sense.
8. What doesn’t make sense is why you allowed yourself to be told that any of this process was going to be easy and should cause you no stress. I literally started smoking weed because of this scenario. I mean, I know I’m no mellow breeze, but goddamn, moving is one of the most stress-inducing, angina-causing (at least I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a heart attack) events you will have to go through. And it will never stop; you will always be moving, whether it’s yourself or a friend. You will constantly be on the go. So, suck it, marriage, divorce, and having kids. Moving beats you all in the stress department by tenfold. Unless you’re one of those people who believe in having over three kids, then I guess it just keeps going for you. You win...I suppose?
Hannah One Cup can be found floating around Oregon for now, house sitting someone named Clyde and someone named Tank and wondering why the box that held all of the eating utensils was labeled "Salad Fingers, and I think some straws are in here." Find her at a bar near you.
