Exotic Magazine - Issue 353

Volume 31 - Number 01 (July 2023)

Erotic City (30 Year Anniversary Edition)

by Bryan A. Bybee

It’s official. With this very issue you’re holding in your sweaty mitts, Exotic has turned 30! We certainly redefine the term "Dirty 30," and with the traditional 30th anniversary stone being a pearl, I think you can see which direction this could go. But not this month! We’re gonna keep it clean and classy—if only for a month. Hey, we didn’t choose the salacious life...it chose us.

Thirty years and 354 issues of Exotic (yeah, not a complete 360, but that’s Rona’s fault). You might notice that the current issue is labeled #353, so let’s get that out of the way now. Somewhere along the way, we fucked up and repeated the same issue number... Being the overachievers that we’re known for, we never bothered to find out where we botched it, and now it’s set in stone. We live with it like that birthmark your friend has on her face, with thick speaker wire growing out of it. You tell her it’s unique and adds character. You lied to her, just like we’ve been lying to you. So, now you know to +1 every time you see our issue number (at least until we fuck it up again)...

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The Dalton Approach

by Nate Hazen

Customers often show interest in my job and want to talk about it with me, sometimes at length. I’m always happy to oblige. I enjoy what I do and love friendly encounters with my customers. The conversations are pretty similar, and I get many of the same questions, which I don’t mind at all—it allows me to have cookie-cutter answers ready and waiting. "Do you have to fight a lot?" No, most people know how to behave themselves, and de-escalation is a better way of approaching my job. "What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen working out here?" I once witnessed a homeless guy give himself the Cheddar Bob treatment (if you’ve never seen 8 Mile, there’s a character named Cheddar Bob who accidentally shoots himself in the dick, which is precisely what our unfortunate homeless neighbor did—don’t play with guns, kids). During these customer conversations, one topic that pops up every now and then is the bouncer movie. I’m talking about Patrick Swayze’s 1989 cult classic Road House. Work as a bouncer long enough, and someone will bring it up...

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The Monthly Column: Curse of the Cocaine Hippos

by Wombstretcha

No matter where you are in these United States, you most assuredly have heard of the Sasquatch/Bigfoot. A large, ape-like creature who prowls secluded, wooded areas and is very tough to find. Nearly every region has stories of a similar creature, to the point where it has become the stuff of legend and the subject of those monster-hunting shows on the Sci-Fi Channel where a bunch of bro-dudes go out looking for his ass. However, the story of this supposed creature is rooted in serious history, and I intend to explore it...

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Four Old Things That McMenamins Should Turn Into One of Their Overpriced Boomer Playgrounds

by Blazer Sparrow

After attending two back-to-back shows at Portland’s very own beloved Crystal Ballroom in the sweltering Oregon summer heat, that takes place in May now, thanks to climate change, I got to thinking...maybe some of these old buildings that McMenamins goes to obsessive lengths to preserve, should be torn down. I kid. Back off, olds. I love old shit as much as the next underemployed English major. I even got their stupid little treasure hunt passport that I haven’t remembered to bring to one of their establishments in years. I get the gimmick. It works. It’s fine. Just for God’s sake, I don’t care what part of the building you have to tarnish the original woodwork of...just please put a fucking HVAC in the Crystal Ballroom. I’m not an engineer or an architect or even much of a writer, but I am confident it can be done. Maybe if I’m loud or repeat myself enough, it’ll happen...

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Polerotica Recap (Final Rounds)

photos by Hypnox

Photos of the final rounds...

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Hannah One Cup’s Beginning of Summer

by Hannah One Cup

As many of you are keenly aware by now, I loathe summertime...the sweltering heat, endless sunshine, and the numbered ways of attempting to escape these things with as little effort as possible. Summertime is the bane of my existence, and every year it’s becoming harder and harder to "beat the living pulp" out of the summer heat. As a born, raised, and "lived just about everywhere" in the Pacific Northwest individual, I usually pride myself in the (sometimes ingenious) ways I survive these four months. So, as a treat, I thought I might share how the beginning of summer is going in this household and how everyone is coping with both myself and this excessively stupid weather we are starting to have. I’m also going to rate these on a scale from 1 (did not help the blistering thoughts of summer) to 5 (cool as a frozen cucumber before bringing it into the bedroom)...

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