February is the month that "typical" people go out and do the "normal" thing of stressing about what else they could possibly do for their significant other that they hadn’t already accomplished just a month and a half ago (remember that day with all those lights and candles and trees and presents?).
They get to enjoy the obviously necessary overload of romanticized commercials for those disgusting edible arrangements, male enhancement pills, Kay Jewelers, or for you locals, "The Shane Company, across the freeway from the Washington Square Mall. Open Monday through..."—you know the spiel. They enjoy these commercials because they are having a hard time determining what they should be getting their loved ones, so they need to be directed into the right lane with not-so-subliminal messaging from these companies.
Once they have found their treasure and marked its location of procurement with an "X" on their map (or put it into their phone’s GPS), they then make a plan for how to make this commercialized holiday even more gooder by planning out the day and/or evening leading up to giving this to them. All good golden retriever significant others get so excited about this—it’s almost overwhelming. Like…it’s almost visibly uncomfortable how hard it is for them to keep this secret in them the last week before "the big day" comes around (February 14th, for those of you who just got into a relationship with one of these people).
I, on the other hand, prefer to underwhelm. That way, this day is never brought up again in the future, and I can go about my normal life of just handing out gifts when I want to (pretty regularly, but never on a set schedule). What others choose to do for this day is up to them and their partners (maybe) and might not always be what you would picture as a "romantic" night out. I’ve witnessed these events firsthand or been on the receiving end, and I can say without a doubt that the world is going to crap—literally.
All a girl wants is a Gomez Addams (or at least that’s what I think?). But these things listed below have set the standards so low that we just hope they don’t have to clean up the kitchen afterward or they don’t fall asleep after a couple of drinks.
Here we go…with my list of romantic ideas that went through someone’s head at some point…
You’ve made the reservations (under your name, of course) for a modest hotel, so make sure to call ahead to your significant other’s favorite restaurant, and book a couple’s massage. Catch? You don’t actually have the money for any of these things and never planned on paying to begin with. The secret is to not let them know any of this until you get to the hotel and they ask for a card. Simply "forget" your cards at home, except your ID. You’ll need that for alcohol at the fancy restaurant they pay for.
D-bag rating: 4.5 out of 5 – depending on cost.
This really keeps them on their toes and leaves a sense of mystery and intrigue, and I think the word I’m looking for is anger? It’s bound to be a fun-filled February 15th, complete with lots of silent treatment for a few days or loads of yelling, crying, alcohol, and maybe makeup sexy time. So…I mean, it might not have mattered if you went through with the plans or not if the means led to the same end.
D-bag rating: 5 out of 5 – due to the unfortunate slow-burn of a letdown given the entire day of the 14th.
This could go one of two ways. Either this partner does not care (or is only slightly irritated) that the memory has to do with another person you slept with and at least enjoys the gift...or you end up a soloist on the slide whistle for an undetermined amount of time.
D-bag rating: 3 out of 5 – they at least put in effort (remember, we’re at the point where "at least" is what we hope for), even if their brain’s memory card is corrupted.
Well, what a surprise! After however long it’s been, you came through with bells and whistles, and what a real whopper this is because your partner is out seeing a movie with her friend, and they plan on having cosmopolitans together while pretending to be single just to get another free drink. It shouldn’t really come as a surprise, more of a letdown for your efforts, which were too little, too late, and they’ve had enough. Now you get to enjoy a February 14th the way they did all these years. Enjoy the solitude, guilt, and impending sense of dread for when they get back home, offering you some Sees-equivalent chocolates they bought themselves and then going to bed.
D-bag rating: 1 out of 5 – You tried, just too late.
Your night ended successfully without being kicked out of a bar after closing, things are feeling amorous, your partner laughed a few times at jokes you said, and it’s now 2:46 in the morning, the buses and MAX are all shut down for the night, you don’t have money for the 46-dollar Uber ride home that’s a whole four miles away—and I repeat…you have to use the bathroom. Well, if your partner is drunk enough (let’s hope they are), the walk home won’t be so cold and long. Maybe you’ll also come across a house with a backyard and no lock on its gate, so you can finally do your business on the side of the house—just like in the movie Friday. While you’re back there having diarrhea, just tell your partner you were looking to see if there was a shortcut home through their yard and to wait out front for you.
Hopefully, you found some grass to wipe with because that house probably didn’t have any paper products for you to use back there. There were dog poop bags, but why clean up after yourself? You’d definitely give yourself away if your partner saw that poop bag in your hand unless there was a trash bin right there to throw it into. Which, surprise, there had been. But such is the life of a 21st-century Gomez Addams—leave your shit for others to clean up, go home with your partner, open a 40 oz. and pass out with your pants halfway down. Again, hopefully, your partner was drunk enough to pass out beforehand, so they would be none the wiser.
D-bag rating: 2 out of 5 – because your partner smiled that night. Even if you are an actual turd monster, you allowed them to remain ignorant of this.
And with that, I hope you all have a sexy and exciting February. If you aren’t, go find someone to do that with. Or do it alone. They have things for that, and I fully support independence when finding one’s favorite romantic areas in life.
Hannah One Cup can be found slapping pieces of bologna on this van in front of her house, which may or may not belong to the individual who decided to poop in her yard. You’ll also probably find her drinking a dirty martini with extra olives at the sleaziest bar she can find with her partner or scouring the cupboards at home for some OGD (Old Grand-Dad).
