It’s February, and as such, we’re asked to provide gifts and luxuries to our others of significance. A storied tradition, but not one I’m actually sure anyone likes. Nobody enjoys perfunctory gifts—giving or getting. It’s not a hard ask, of course, and people tend to expect such things, but we as a species are really not great gift-givers. We give things we think people might want, and for what occasion? Oh yes, the fact that we’re in a relationship. Wonderful. The fact of the matter is, naturally, that we’re essentially obligated to do this. It’s what they call a "Hallmark holiday," meaning its purpose is basically to sell shit nobody wants to people who buy into the charade. Fine. Do you. That said, there are things you should not give people for such a day. I will chronicle them here. Also, bonus to single people who are not obligated to give a shit.
Listed in no particular order, but usually, the good shit is saved for last...
Yes, you can get chocolates that are shaped like your very own asshole. There’s a company called "Edible Anus," and their deal is pretty much that you cast a mold of your butthole, and in their words, "...the perfect gift for friends or enemies. We produce traditional handcrafted chocolates to the highest standards in our UK atelier. We only sell fresh chocolate and believe the chocolate anus can dissolve cultural boundaries of age, race, gender, and class. We’ve all got one, and they are all different!" Well, that’s inclusive, I guess, but you are literally sending someone a mold of your own asshole cast in chocolate. So, someone—presumably your sweetheart—gets a set of chocolate candies shaped by your own anus. Bold, but barring certain fetishes, this does not seem like a great gift. Also, they’re in the UK and charge 40 pounds for this, which is like 52 US Dollars. Damn, that’s some expensive ass chocolate.
This might seem like a weird one. Who gives a live hippo to someone as a gift? Well, Pablo Escobar, the famous cocaine kingpin of the 1980s, got a live hippo as a gift. While he was alive, he kept said hippos (yeah, there was more than one) in an enclosure on his estate. After his death, which resulted from an allergy to bullets, the hippos simply...left. This is the reason that Colombia has a steady problem with hippos, which branched from two breeding pairs into thousands of hippos that took up residence in the lakes and rivers of that fine country. I wrote a prior article about this if you care to search xmag.com. It’s ridiculous in the best way, but nevertheless, you probably should not gift someone a live hippopotamus.
Look, nobody knows what the hell size our partners are. Maybe if you’re gay or something, and your boyfie boyfie wears the same size as you, sure. But even then, don’t. Just don’t. I personally am not gay, so I have to shop for a lady. I’m like, "Uh, what size stuff do you wear?" and I get a series of extended measurements. This also basically gives the game away, too. But when I receive these measurements, I’m saying to myself, "Whoa, what the hell did I just dip my thumb into?" I’m mapping this out on graph paper and am thinking to myself, "What the absolute fuck did I get involved in? I’m just trying to buy underwear! How do women even buy clothes?!" Apparently, it takes some doing. Don’t even try. Though I did get some kind of weird battle panties from a lady once, and I was sorta like, "Well, thanks, I think." Let me tell you, nobody wants to see me in a lace crotch pouch, which is the only way I can really describe this gift I was presented with. I think she got it just to laugh at me, but it’s okay because I was laughing at me also.
Okay, this might be contestable, as it’s a traditional gift. Get her some flowers—no big, standard stuff. But nobody really likes flowers. They exist for a couple of days and then die hard. It’s superficial. It’s saying, "Look, I got you something that looks neat but will not last." There are implications there. Yes, I am aware this is a traditional gift for the ladies. Well, I think for the ladies, as I’ve never met a guy who got flowers from a woman. That’d be a hell of a thing, though. "Here, I got you some flowers." "Er, that’s...nice. Now what do I do with them?" while dude is thinking how much better that money could have been spent on beer.
I do realize that this list is mostly about fellas buying stuff for ladies, but do not, I repeat, do not, purchase ridiculous, oversized stuffed animals. You’re buying a gift for a lover/partner/whatever, and nobody likes this. All it does is take up space. "Hey darling, I bought you a six-foot-tall teddy bear, which, if it came to life, would kill us all." Not that stuffed animals coming to life is a significant risk, but we must consider outlier cases. It’s best to hedge your bets and make sure, at the very least, you’re not consuming excess space in your GF’s home.
Worst gift in the world. Moving on.
Yes, you can very affordably have a T-shirt printed with your face or his/her face on it, and it’s quite readily available. Please, do not do this. Then you basically are obligating someone to wear this horrible item of clothing. I imagine they will, at least once, and oddly, this is one that comes to the guys from the ladies. Usually, it’s the guys who are the worst gift-givers, but this is nearly exclusively the province of estrogen. Anyone thinking about this should reconsider. Also, you can get a coffee mug with that same photo on it for about the same cost, and then nobody has to look like a fool. He can drink his coffee out of a mug with your stupid face on it, and that’s perfectly fine!
Just do a nice dinner and maybe a movie. That’s the gold standard. No need to get weird about things. Also, I’m pretty sure I did not save the best for last. I think the hippo wins it.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a bad gift-giver, destructive driver, custom t-shirt maker, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent," which is his legal name.
