The last two weeks, I was on a road trip with my loving partner and asshole dog, Bob Burgers. I was able to do this, thanks in part to my great friend (and another writer for this magazine) caring for my other adopted, four-legged daughter, Dolly Derp Parton. This trip had been planned prior to us realizing we would be in the care of a second dog full stop due to unforeseen circumstances, and traveling with one neurotic dog is hard enough without knowing how the other handles being in a car eight hours a day. Anyhow, she had a fine time eating stolen "Sourdough Jacks’’ and other things while Bob Burgers sat in the back seat of a stupid car eight hours a day with brief intermissions to dog parks.
Before I go any further, I first need to tell you all why I call the rental car we were given stupid, just to give some context to how the rest of the trip went. We were supposed to have some sort of 4-door compact or something equivalent to a Ford Fiesta (spicy!). Instead, we were provided a bright red Dodge Challenger, and it stuck out like a gaping stomach wound everywhere we went. It's not exactly what I was hoping to be driving around some semi- and fully rural places in the middle of America. The number of times I was afraid this car had a high chance of getting broken into can be calculated by the pain in my back caused by the number of hotels we stayed in because they were 83 dollars a night (or less).
We drove roughly 6-8 hours nearly every day in order to make it to Erie, PA, and back in two weeks. So the first stop we took was in Boise, Idaho, where we waited with 13 other customers outside the hotel check-in (this hotel had a sort of "walk-up" bulletproof glassed-in counter, where you would get your hypothetical hotel key. I say hypothetical because we did not, in fact, receive a key. In fact, the hotel had apparently run out of keys. So, instead, because it was almost 11 p.m. (and the staff was off at 11 p.m.), I was stuck in the hotel room with our dog, waiting for my dude to return with food. I severely needed a drink. But whatever.
We went through Yellow Stone National Park but didn't feel like waiting 30 more minutes for the geyser to do its thing. So, instead, we walked around while our dog randomly decided to lunge at old men’s jacket pockets for no obvious reason at all. Fun. I’ve never had so many Karens scowl and shake their head at me.
We stayed somewhere in Cody, Wyoming, and had the most OK meat I’ve experienced. It was just "okay." And considering the fact that this state is known for its cows and meat, it was even more underwhelming. The building where this OK meat was eaten was someplace Buffalo Bill was around. Again, more history I didn't care much about. But for some reason, this city had all the presidents as life-sized, with bronze statues hanging around various parts of town. I have no further comment on this.
After listening for about 20 hours to a podcast titled Behind the Bastards, I had even less respect for everyone who has ever existed, especially those with monuments. We saw Mount Rushmore, and it was extremely unimpressive. In fact, the history of this whole monument is ridiculous, and the mountain celebrating Crazy Horse (on the other side and not carved out) was way more breathtaking. Also, it was free to get into that one, while you had to spend ten bucks to park your car and stare at dead white guy heads on the side of a mountain.
We visited Chicago, visited the same bar we like (Liar’s Club), and stayed in the same general area of town we could afford (Cicero). I like Cicero; it reminds me of 82nd Avenue—specifically Southeast 82nd Ave. You know what you're getting at those hotels, and the vibe it goes for is "we don't care about anything anymore." Anyway, the night we stayed at our specific hotel was busy for all the working ladies. When they were busy selling their wares to the cars parked in the lot, there was a designated security guard in a car making sure everything was going alright. I felt more safe here than any other hotel this trip.
Also, the next morning, the two check-in ladies gave me 5 dollars back for my "key deposit" because they thought I had been working that night. I took that money and ran, feeling slightly full of myself. A lot of in-between went on after this, so I have to skip some parts, but let it be known…
Specifically rural Ohio. There are still sundown towns very much prevalent here, and I am 99% positive we went through one on our way back to the highway. I say this only because we had a truck tail us for roughly two miles at about 20 yards back and another truck directly in front, "leading us" until we got back to our destination. Said destination being the highway…or literally anywhere other than there. So just be aware when driving through Ohio—especially if you’re in a stupid red sports car.
Half of the point of this trip was to make it to the Erie, PA, horror movie festival (Erie Horror Fest) – EHF—which, by the way, was amazing. Again, I can’t go into much detail just for brevity. But needless to say, we came back with a ton of merchandise for small film directors and comics we’d never heard of prior. And one painting of a raccoon eating a person’s arm. Lil’ rascal.
The other main reason for being on this long trip was to visit one of my best friends, Mindy, and her future ex-husband, Deej. They're both wonderful people who enjoy making you very uncomfortable while sitting on the perfect grandma furniture in their living room. The decor motif is like…goth meets grandma from the '70s. It's awesome. We ate chili and fell asleep early here. But, I'll be back soon to terrorize these folks s'more. As well as buy more of their cotton candy-flavored milk. That's right. Cotton candy. A lovely customer in the dairy aisle saw me staring at the milk flavors and insisted that this was the best flavor. I took his advice, bought the milk, and only regret that I did not buy more. Or that I had a fridge. I’m also glad we do not carry such a thing in Oregon or Washington, for I'd be drinking it daily.
Areas for honorable mention include Hidden Leaf Café in Columbus, Ohio (worth visiting 100%) and Elko, Nevada, which has this awesome Basque-style eatery that serves you cabbage soup, french fries, salad, spaghetti, and various beans by default. You just choose your protein. Salt flats (I’m genuinely concerned we may run out of salt one day), Bruneau Cemetery, and the Geiser Grand Hotel in Baker City...because they're awesome and the service is tits! Oh, and the Nostalgic Stay Inn, where I felt like I was brought right back to an era I never lived in, complete with musk and spiders.
Hannah One Cup can be found laying in her bed for the next month to recuperate from…everything. She probably won’t show up to any family functions this November either (get the hint, family). Just joking…maybe.
