Last month, I’ll admit, was a bit of a rocky start to my Exotic debut. Try as I might, there just wasn’t much fap material in the theaters by the time of our press deadline. I thought a new Alien movie that was trying to recapture the glory of the original was going to be a safe bet for some good goonin’. Alas, no such luck. This month, I was lucky enough to come across this artsy gem that all my fellow nudity enjoyers will surely enjoy.
Spoilers Ahead
Without giving away too much biographical info, I’ve been jerking it to Demi Moore for many years now. I frequently rented Striptease on VHS and watched it for the plot. When I heard the internet make some noise about G.I. Jane getting ten kinds of naked in a new movie by some French broad, I was definitely intrigued, but then I did a quick Google check and was reminded that Bruce Willis’s ex is sixty-one! Yuck! I know some of my fellow porn enjoyers can get down with some GILF action, but not I. How anyone can be attracted to a female who isn't fertile is beyond me.
However, I didn’t want a repeat of last month’s boobless disappointment, and there really wasn't anything else that looked that promising this month. Plus, I heard that Andie MacDowell’s daughter also gets naked, so I should be able to get at least one nut off. I decided to partake. Ho. Lee. Shit. I was not disappointed.
Now, I, for one, am a veteran Demi Moore gooner, so I was figuring I might as well give her a courtesy wank, but I was honestly impressed by how tight she’s looking. That Hollywood money goes far. Here I was, thinking I'd have to turn away when the Ghost star disrobed, and I found myself jerking it to a sexagenarian. A sexy sexagenarian! Despite protests from my fellow theater attendees, I kept calm and carried on. My pity wank turned into a real wank in no time. Everyone in Hollywood has fake tits anyway, so it doesn't really matter how old the body is, right?
When I heard that a woman made this movie, I was worried we were going to get nudity, but that really desexualized nudity—non-male gaze nudity that has, like, a narrative purpose or something dumb like that. Then I read that it was made by a French woman and breathed a sigh of horny relief. Nobody knows the male gaze like French women—just watch literally anything by Catherine Breillat.
This entire goddamn movie is mostly close-ups of Margaret Qualley’s ass, thong on and off. This film goes beyond male gaze...I would say it veers into pervert gaze. Now you do have to stomach some close-ups of other body parts like mouths eating shrimp and needles going into infected, pus-leaking wounds, but fellow masturbators, I promise you it’s worth it. Not everyone is as desensitized to non-nude scenes in movies as I am (filler, as I call it), so this one is a bit of a challenge for amateurs. Avert your eyes if you have to, or wait 'til I upload the timestamps on Mr. Skin 'cause you don't want to miss Demi and Margaret’s fake tits squishing against each other on a bathroom floor. Thank God for French women making films!
Now, I will have to take some points off since this one does kinda drag in the last half. We don't actually get a proper sex scene either, and some hairy man ass that I could've done without. It seemed like they were trying to make some kind of point about unrealistic and inhumane expectations for women in the entertainment industry and the inevitable passage of time that we must all contend with. I mean, that clearly coulda been traded for more of Margaret Qualley's ass, but that's just me. To each film critic their own.
I will admit that near the end, I started to nod off and was losing my stiffy, but I kept it out in case things picked up again, despite those pesky protests I mentioned earlier. Although some more…adventurous jerkers might be into the grotesque boob monster in the end, I thought it just wasn't quite…skinny enough to really get a good, scared monster boner for. Sorry, I have standards. However, I was treated to a personal kink of mine when Qualley’s teeth started falling out, and we got a good toothless, teary-eyed, gasping face fill up the screen. It's my favorite kind of face for a blowjob. Nut achieved.
4/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
