For many, February is the month when all the labrador significant others clamor together to make a big to-do about one day. Unfortunately, this isn't Groundhog Day, which is February 2nd, by the way. Much like Christmas and a person's birthday, Valentine's Day is typically one of those holidays you feel the pressure to perform for some reason. It isn't enough to tell that special someone that you love them every day and perhaps shower them with affection and gifts of pancakes and whisky once in a while as you serenade them to sleep with your perfectly off-tune rendition of an Oasis song—no…you must outdo everything you've done thus far, and pull out all the stops. Go hog wild, so to speak.
But what do you do when you can’t possibly come up with any unique ideas to outdo what you've already seen as "the most you can come up with?" Fear not, for I, the Magnificent Matchmaker in Hell, have come to help save this possibly ruinous occasion.
Now, this one is really more useful for all those single folk out there who could really care less about this stupid holiday and just want to do something worth snickering about later on. There are several zoos in the US (The Bronx Zoo, Chicago's Brookfield Zoo, and San Antonio Zoo, to name a few) that allow you to name a cockroach after your ex for a nominal donation, upon which you receive a certificate commemorating the naming of the cockroach. "Joe the Roach." It's probably something you called them before, anyway.
I feel that naming an animal after a person is a great tradition to get into. For instance, all of my dogs are named after family members, aside from one adopted four-legged beast who's named after Dolly Parton. My grandmother hates this, so I keep doing it. My family just happens to have great dog names; I can't help it. So, taking this to the other extreme and naming an ex after something that most think of as vile is just wonderful. Even though I think cockroaches were most likely more beneficial to your life than the individual you named it after. Joe lives on in the Bronx Zoo, somewhere in a cage being looked at by slimy children.
A German tradition if I ever heard one. Pigs are considered good luck in several countries, Germany being the current subject. So why not go full-on Deutsch, and gift your significant other a pig? Whether you choose to gift them a real, living-alive pig or something with less of a commitment is up to you and how you think that will play out at the end of the day. You also can't forget the gingerbread. You can't possibly give your Valentine a pig without providing them with a gingerbread shaped into a heart as well. That's like gifting someone a picture of a hundred-dollar bill...just…why?
I like to picture a Valentine's delivery service pulling up to some lucky duck's house, knocking on the door of the recipient, and leaving before they answer. Just to have the recipient open the door to a brand new pig named Herbert, who has a love letter tied with a bow around his neck, asking, "Will you be mine?" And had also been carrying a gingerbread heart-shaped cookie until he ate it in the 39 seconds it took for you to get to the door. “Sandra, oh Sandra, words cannot describe my love for thee, so I bought you this pig to do what I could not. Won’t you be mine?”
I think the delivery service would be called “Ginger Pigs – gifting love pigs and gingerbread to that special someone.” ’
No, don't go trying to get an opossum delivered to you from Florida or try finding one out in the wild. Instead, give that stupid money to a rescue sanctuary for damaged animals. WildlifeChicBoutique on Etsy will provide you with several hard-copy photographs of an opossum you are assisting with, giving enrichment toys and supplies with your donation. They also provide you with a painting done by that opossum. Apparently, opossums like painting. You also get a certificate stating you "adopted" this opossum. It's cute. I did it for a friend once, and no one was upset about it. The facility also has a myriad of other cute animals they've rescued, which you are more than welcome to adopt and get photos and certificates for, like raccoons and hedgehogs. I'm unclear if these two like displaying their artier side like the opossum, but they're cute nonetheless.
Just don't go trying to claim parental rights and wave your adoption certificate at the facility, thinking you now own a damaged, artistic opossum. I'll regret providing this information to you all if that happens, and you'll make me very disappointed in you as a person.
No. Not for your benefit. This is for all my fine readers out there who are already counting down the days until hell comes back to the surface of your home and makes the temperatures outside unbearable to be in. And if you are most people in the PNW, you do not have the luxury of central air being the default, so being inside can sometimes be just as bad. When it gets to that heat, you're probably like me—suffering to get comfortable in your skin with your underwear on and maybe a bathing suit top. Just in case a pool comes out of nowhere—you're ready to swim. Or maybe you turned your bath on and just have a tub of cold water you dip into throughout the day.
Having a selection of fancy lingerie to wear around the house while screaming expletives at the sun can make us feel a bit less spiteful about the whole thing. Kind of like you’re upper class but not upper class enough to have central air or a second home in Iceland. Just upper class enough to have a silk robe and matching undergarments. Wearing a 90-dollar bra while eating soup you've microwaved without heating up the house at all sounds like the finest luxury I'll gladly afford.
Buy your significant other plants unless you plan on helping take care of said plant with them. Plants, much like live pigs, are a commitment, and on this day of our underlord, you're trying to make this person's life cute, easier, and maybe a bit sleazier. Plants are none of these.
Do not buy a vacuum cleaner unless it's for you to use.
Do not buy ingredients for dinner unless you’re making the dinner.
Do not make dinner unless you're doing the dishes afterward.
Do not buy a dozen roses and leave them in the bag without trimming them and putting them in a vase. That's just lazy and annoying. Again, you want to give them less work, not a plastic bag to throw away and something to poke their delicate fingers on.
If you take just one of the previous ideas and follow the “DO NOT” section, your Valentine's Day should go swimmingly. Maybe you'll get lucky and never have to worry about getting a roach named after you. This is at least a step in that general direction. Good luck, and love big.
Hannah One Cup can be found trying on her fancy lingerie that she purchased with a gift certificate she was provided. She's very much looking forward to yelling at the sun in it, while angrily drinking tequila. For now, she's very happy that it's still cold outside and that there are still some who don't make a big deal on such a stupid day.
