As mentioned in last month's issue, I was almost going to skip reviewing this one since I simply didn't think there was enough nudity to justify a thousand words. But, after watching discourse on this movie explode online and in private, I decided that I wanted to throw my two cents in the dumpster fire. Plus, one of my Discord friends made the excellent point that I reviewed Alien: Romulus, and there's no goddamn nudity in that one, so I shouldn’t let that stop me if I have things to say, and believe me, I do have things to say!
Later, I found myself getting dragged into arguments with these Discord friends about the movie and whether or not it was based on cringe. As I was arguing with these people and getting frustrated, I moved to Reddit to air out my grievances there, and then on 4chan, I realized that I was wasting my time! This isn't high school anymore! I have an actual print outlet where I can say whatever I want and be right! No more need to own my digital peers via petty comment wars. I can just send all my thoughts in a Word document and have it printed out and distributed amongst the Pacific Northwest's network of cathouses, smut stores, and jack shacks. Take that, former peers! You have hereby been relegated to readers!
And to be clear, I’m not arguing with these simpletons that this movie was good, but rather that it was bad for different reasons that these mouthbreathers simply weren’t getting. And those are reasons in addition to the fact that there wasn't nearly enough nudity in this film, as I mentioned last month!
Once again, and with gusto, this movie did not have enough nudity! We did get a naked woman on a horse that definitely activated some Lady Godiva fantasies I’ve harbored since I was a wee wanker, but that scene was far too brief. Shame, too, 'cause the chick was hot. Nice tits, and you got some bush. Not enough, of course, but at least it was there. That's one nice thing about Eggers. We always get at least a little bit of bush in each movie as a treat. I will admit that The Lighthouse didn’t technically have any bush, but we did get that giant prosthetic mermaid vagina. So that…kind of counts. It was hot in its own horny, Lovecraftian way, so I'll allow it.
I was hoping since we got some bareback-horseriding bush, we might get to see Johnny Depp’s daughter’s bush as well. At least a merkin. No luck. We do get some good shots of her big ol' nipples—which I'm always happy to see...but dang-it-all, I thought this was the movie where we finally got the full monty. We've already seen this half-French, half-forehead's darling little gumdrops in that shitty HBO show with The Weeknd and that weird, horny movie where she thinks she's a cat. Old news. We even got better fuck scenes in that Weeknd show. This fuck scene is fully clothed! Boo!
Weirdly enough, it's the very first scene in the film, which is honestly the hottest. We begin with her wanting attention from ghosts or something and then zoom in on her face, where she makes these quiet little gaspy moans that are clearly indicating the titular character is thrusting his 400-year-old decomposing cock inside her. It's just a shot of her face, but Jesus, if it doesn't do it for me. It reminds me of up-close POV VR porn. I think some nerd should be able to A.I.-ify this scene and upload it to a VR porn site. Unfortunately, my talents are limited to letters, so some fellow horndog who has the gift of gigabytes can get on this.
Speaking of that 400-year-old decomposing cock, you get to see it later in the film, so I found it pretty unfair we got to see this grey, decaying, flaccid wang but none of Lily-Rose Depp's vag. Even Anya Taylor-Joy showed her vag in The Northman. Or a really hairy merkin, but I’ll allow it.
But none of this addresses the arguments I’m hearing online about how the film is regressive in its portrayal of women, playing on tropes of Victorian anxieties about hysteria and female desire. What movie are these idiots watching?! The film I saw was stuffed to the brim with modern feminazi crap! I mean, the whole point of the movie is that the only way to defeat evil is to cuck your husband. Get your modern Pornhub kinks out of my 19th-century horror movie!
Also, that shit where she’s telling her husband how she doesn’t care about material wealth and she just wants his company? The hell is that? Ain’t no woman in that era would say that kinda horseshit—they can't even vote! The only reason they get married is for financial security! Woke-ass modern characters shoehorned into a story from the past. It was worse than that Marie Antionette movie where they just put a pair of Converse in her shoe collection! Does no one care about historical accuracy anymore? The West has fallen.
2/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
