William Shakespeare. The legend. The immortal bard. Writer of those plays you had to read in high school. His works endured from the 16th century and linger well into the modern age, with Shakespearean actors being vaunted as the best that you can be as an actor or actress, with such notable people among them as Sir Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame, Sir Lawrence Olivier of, well, Hamlet fame, Dame Judi Dench of the fame of "M" in the Pierce Brosnan James Bond films, Ian McDiarmid of being the fucking Emperor in Star Wars, Sir Ian McKellen of Gandalf fame, and Sir Christopher Lee of...doing a bunch of shit for like 7 decades fame, also being in Star Wars as Count Dooku and playing Dracula for like 50 years, then starting a metal band at age 90.
It is prestigious! Shakespeare was known for his ability to write plays for both the learned aristocrats, who were well-spoken and educated, as well as the "cheap seats" peasants, who just wanted to have fun on their one day off a week. Those folks were known as "groundlings" because they had to stand on the ground right in front of the stage and not be afforded seats like the rich people. To think, what we pay for pit tickets at modern shows when that was the cheap stuff hundreds of years ago. Anyhow, Ol' Shakey, as he was likely not ever known, always threw in ribald and, for the time, dirty jokes to relate with the groundlings, who did indeed pay for tickets and wanted to be entertained.
He was a master of coarse insults that would catch the ear and make laugh the tongue of those up front and even get a suppressed giggle out of the rich folks, who were thinking themselves above crude humor. Given the time between now and then, his insults and jests have become less impactful. We do not speak in the way they did then and might let what would have been a seriously grave barb of the tongue become a "Huh? What does that mean?" I, however, have done my research and will show you what Shakespeare meant by his insults and translate it into the modern language we speak in the good ol' US of A, so you can translate them should you watch a play or movie of one of his works. Let's go!
"A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality."
From All's Well That Ends Well
Translation: "This guy is a fucking pussy; he lies all the time, he's never good to his word, even if he just gave it to you, and there's not a single good thing about his ass or the rest of him."
"Away, you three-inch fool!"
From The Taming of the Shrew
You might think this is about the size of his dick, but that's not what was meant. He meant that the guy is so unworthy of consideration that he might as well be three inches tall. It also might be about his dick just for good measure (bad measure?), but this is not explicit.
"Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy."
From Macbeth
"Go fucking stab yourself in the face, and that'll get you some color because you're all pale with fear, you coward."
"His wit"s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard."
From Henry IV, Part 2
Tewkesbury is a town in England. They do indeed make mustard there, and have since Shakespeare's day; it is blended with horseradish for some tang and is very thick. When this is said of a person, if we were to say it in our modern terms, "he's as dumb as a pillowcase full of Jell-O."
"I am sick when I do look on thee."
From A Midsummer Night's Dream
Well, that one doesn't take much interpretation. "You make me wanna puke when I look at you."
"For I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can; you are not for all markets."
From As You Like It
"Look, dude, I'm trying to be nice here, but you are not a prize; just take what you can get."
"I"ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands."
From Timon of Athens
"Motherfucker, I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd get AIDS."
"More of your conversation would infect my brain."
From Coriolanus
"Keep talking, and you're gonna make me sick."—not a tough one.
"Peace, ye fat guts!"
From Henry IV
"Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit."
"I will bite my thumb at them, which is a disgrace to them if they bear it."
From Romeo and Juliet
"I'm gonna give them the finger (biting your thumb at someone was the Middle Ages version of the finger), and they either fucking deal or fucking fight me."
"The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes."
From The Comedy of Errors
"This guy's fuckin' face is so ugly, it turns fruit rotten."
"That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?"
From Henry IV (In which apparently many disses were handed out.)
"You fat fuck, you are disease, you look like George "the Animal" Steele, you probably have the fucking plague, and again, your clothes can barely contain how fat of a fuck you are. You're like a big, fat cow full of sixty pounds of Jell-O, and you can't even hide it. Also, you're a fucking wasteoid who has no charm, and you don't know right from wrong; you're the spawner of criminals, and the son of them as well, but you think that's somehow a flex."
"Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!"
From Henry IV
"You are a dumb fuck, you're stupid as shit, you're the son of a whore, and are a beastly, fat fuck, at that."
"What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!"
From Macbeth
"You're really young and very stupid. Also, you're not just a dumbshit kid, but you're trying to plot against me, assface."
"Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows."
From Troilus and Cressida
"You think with your dick, which is smarter than your head, and I've more brains in my elbows than you have in your skull."
"Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage."
From As You Like It
"You are so boring. If there was an award for being boring, you wouldn't even win it because you'd have bored the judges all to death."
"You are as a candle, the better burnt out."
From Henry IV
"Man, you'd look better dead."
"Villain, I have done thy mother."
From Titus Andronicus
"Lol, I fucked your mom."
"You are not worth another word, else I"d call you knave."
From All's Well That Ends Well
"Stop fucking talking to me, or I'm just gonna keep calling you an asshole."
"This kiss is as comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake."
From Titus Andronicus
"I dunno what you tryin' to kiss, but that felt like kissing a Sumo wrestler's asshole after he'd been out sitting in the snow for a week."
"What an ass!"
From Hamlet
Translation: "What an ass!"
And so, we could merely adjust some of the words to be more in line with how we speak today; perhaps Shakespearean tone might resonate more with us all if we did. They've tried it a few times in movies and TV shows, but for some reason, they never really updated the language. I suppose West Side Story was a pretty good take, but even now, that's half a century old and doesn't relate to people who were raised on Soulja Boy. As Shakespeare speaks to the ages, there's no reason why he couldn't be adapted to a more modern version. I just hope if that happens, whoever writes it needs to use the phrase "bitch tits." Not sure how or why, but this needs to happen to make ol' Will proud.
Thou cream-faced loons! Do take care.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a remained biscuit, elbow brain, sometimes whoreson, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
