Every year, many publications produce articles about the best gifts for the holiday season. Ideally, treasures, keepsakes, sentimental, practical gifts. However, nobody warns you that some of the things you think are the best gadgets, toys, or even foodstuffs are actually money traps, useless, or downright dangerous. Therefore, you don't think some innocuous hand massage glove (charges on USB!) will end up mangling your hand. Your screams will be drowned out in the ears of your co-workers, who got noise-canceling headphones while blood pools on your desk. You accidentally hit a video call to the vice-president of labor services who just murmurs, "ah, my favorite sound," before indulging in more of the expensive scotch given to all the executives. I took the liberty of finding the worst-reviewed products, via either user reviews on shopping sites or professionals such as myself, who just happen to have slammed all their dope and are now junk-sick, given their judgment. I’m giving you a whole month in advance, here, so you don’t have to be a last-minute-Cousin-Larry.
In no particular order, these are some of the worst I could find for this holiday season in the year of our lard, 2026.
Friends
Say you should have a friend. Say you would like to get that friend a nice gift. Well, you may lose that friend if you give them one of these.
Roach Pillow
It is about what it says. It is a body-pillow-sized giant cockroach. I cannot attest to whether or not it is comfortable, or suits really anyone's décor. I do know that the consensus among people is that it is "unsettling," or "shit-ass ugly," and fuck help you if your small child loves it and wants to take it everywhere. That said, it is reasonably priced.
Lung Ashtray
This is a metal die-cast of the inside of some scaled-down lungs. Perfect gift for the smoker in your life. It even has veins and everything. Some smokers might give you a dirty look, some might laugh, and some might merely contemplate existence, murmur softly, and say "I know, I know…but you put up with your ex-wife, Cuntface, your boss, Smashgrab Tablefarts, who looks like he's been holding one in since the Cold War, and caring for your aging grandmother with dementia, who yells at the up-way-too-loud TV and smells like cabbage, even though she hates it."
Saddam's Romance Novel
Quiet as kept, but ready to go at online bookstores, Saddam Hussein (yeah, that one) was apparently a creative type. In between having people murdered and starting foolish wars, he was a writer. He wrote a romance novel about, you probably guessed it, himself. He is a self-insert as the star of the show, being a wise, kindly king during the age of kings. The loose plot is that a woman comes to the king's palace every night to be ravaged by not-Hussein. It folds historical facts about the time of kings like a napkin used to clean up dog shit, proclaims the glory of Iraq, and there is, of course, plenty of rape and violence. If that doesn't get a look from someone that silently lets you know they are thinking, "What the ass-tonguing in a Baskin-Robbins bathroom fuck is this?" then you have some curious friends indeed.
Fish Training Kit
This is a device, of sorts, that lets you train your goldfish, betta, or other bathroom-dwelling swimmer how to push a little ball through hoops. It comes with a manual of instruction, and according to professional and user reviews, it does work. However, it is 100% pointless, as either the fish will die after they finally learn, forcing you to try again, or you will be spending entirely too much time with…a goldfish. They are there to half-stare at while you're on the phone crunching a grumpy, not put in work.
Kids
Do you have kids? Do any friends have kids? Well, you know they can be a lot of trouble to shop for. Either they're older, and you don't know what's the rage (trust me, those magazine articles describing what today's tweens want are all written by sad aunts, who drink wine all day and think Olive Garden is fine dining), or little kids who will take the toy out of the box, play with it for ten minutes, get bored and destroy it in a way which prevents all returns. What's the world got for the little fuck trophies? Let's see.
Lolipop Star
This one is at least innovative. You see, some zany electronicians have a device which uses what they call "bone conduction." Yeah, we all just thought of the same joke, but it plays a song THROUGH YOUR SKULL when you bite down or rest the thing on your teeth. No, as far as I am aware, you do not get to pick the song. Some pop crap, I think it mostly is, but it's also for kids, so that figures. Otherwise, "EXXIT WHITE, CAVITIES TONIGHT!" It is also single-use, and costs between eight and twelve dollars each. No refills and no refunds.
Ollobot
It's a friendly robot toy for all the family to enjoy. It is ostensibly designed to look like a penguin, with flappy little arms and a vaguely penguin shape. Is it a health hazard? Well, if you count mental health, yes. It follows you around, makes odd noises, and people report that Ollobot sneaks into their rooms at night to watch them. Oh, and its head looks like some creepy square LCD monster face that will emote while talking to you, asleep or not. It is also known to wake people up when it…feels like it. You can set an alarm, but sometimes it is the arbiter of your sleep schedule. "Time to wake up," says the 3' tall monster penguin robot at any given time.
WanaBana Applesauce
Sometimes, the classics make a return to present time, and this is no different. Lead. WanaBana Cinnamon Apple Big Fun Partytime Woozola Super Fuckin' Good-Ass Fruit Puree was found to contain not just a little lead, but 2,000 times the legal FDA limit. It's applesauce. Apple = smash and add cinnamon (iPhone 29 review soon), so where did lead even come close to this process? The mind reels. This reminds me of a setup for some kind of kids-eat-something-and-gain-superpowers TV shows. Except the superpower is CANCER! It is being recalled, so buy a stockpile today.
Mystery Squish Buns
Fire. Our old friend and ancient nemesis. What do squishy gel pellets have to do with any of this? The Mystery Squish Bun is full of those, and when heated—say, due to a stupid trend put forth by absolute morons (TikTok review shortly) who put them in the microwave, to nobody's knowledge of what might happen—the toy gets all riled up and explodes in flaming globules. You do not even need a microwave. Leave the kid's toy in the car on a hot day, and that is all it takes. This is because some wise-ass decided benzene was the perfect way to make them extra-squishy. Dude, back to high school chemistry class for you.
Co-Workers
We tend to like, or at least tolerate, our co-workers, or there would be a lot more blood in the nation's cubicles. There's always one guy who never seems to get it: the boss. Either he is old-fashioned, cannot read his employees, or is suspected of putting hidden cameras in the ladies' restroom; this extends to bad habits all around, and gift-giving sure is one of them. Let's see what that quick-pickled, knuckle-dicked ingrate got us this time.
Earwax Candle Kit
I like a funny gift as much as the next guy, and most of these are just joke boxes for a real gift. However, there are a few which are exactly as they sound. They want you to extract your auditory build-up, or "hearing sauce," and shape it into a real candle. I have no idea how, but it comes with a manual. I have no idea what that would smell like, but I'm guessing Yankee Candle won't be copying it anytime soon.
Donations
Don't get me wrong, charitable donations are fine and good. What if, however, they don't want a donation made in their names to The Upright Conservatorship of Pandas with Irritable Bowel Syndrome? The Glorious O'Keeffe Society of Lesbian Flower Enthusiasts? The George C. Scott Committee for Man Getting Hit by Football? Just give them cash. Well, you can just take the tax break, right? No, as you did not buy it.
Potty Putter
Okay, it's in the spirit of fun, not bad. It's a tiny putting green so you can play putt-putt while you muscle fudge out of your angry anus. Neat, right? What if they don't like golf? What if that stupid chuckle-fuck already spends too much time in the bathroom, like all the other dick-maintenance mechanics we have slapping their hairy tits around here, but this incentivizes it. A gift for some, but "cheeks stay together" for others.
Gift Cards That Suck
There is nothing wrong with gift cards, in terms of practical utility. However, they are not a panacea if you float the wrong kind. What is "the wrong kind?" one might ask. There are two kinds of wrong gift cards. The first is either a paltry sum, a pittance, or even comically short. I knew a guy who got a $10 Starbucks gift card. He could not afford his drink on it, as it was $12, so he had to use the gift card and shell out his own money. Go $50 or more, or go to a hell-worse-than-that office. The other kind is the kind where it has strings attached. One free movie ticket, yay! With the purchase of two movie tickets, booooo! Half off at the sandwich place, yay! With the purchase of another at full price, boooooo! Do it right or don't do it at all.
Whether or not you want to torment your friends, traumatize your kids, or make your co-workers wonder if you're on the sex offender registry, or prevent those things, this is what diligent research has led me to, so either be aware or dig in.
Decide who is naughty or nice with practicality,
–Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a possibly lavish gift giver, earwax enthusiast, fish trainer, writer, and semi-retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
