Mommy Knows Worst: Your Love/Drug Horoscope For April (Find Your Perfect Mate and Illegal Drug)

Aries—Meth

March 21- April 19

Your fear of rejection is low in April, mostly because you’re ready to risk it all for Meth. Your crush might say no, but you’ll never know if you don’t try and try again. Mercury enters your ambitious sign on April 13th, making you an aggressively-tweaky communicator. Your friends might say you’re a glutton for punishment when you ask the same person out yet again, but you see it as persistence. The right person will pick their face with you.

Taurus—Regular Cocaine (non-Crack variety)

April 20 - May 20

Take advantage of the productive energy on the 5th, after you blow your paycheck on coke. Maybe you won’t achieve everything all at once, but taking even one small step toward your romantic future is a big accomplishment. Set boundaries you’re comfortable with and don’t go beyond them.

Gemini—Ecstasy (MDMA)

May 21 - June 20

You’ve got a great head on your shoulders, and the superior conjunction in April makes you excellent at expressing all your romantic ideas. Dates who aren’t doing drugs aren’t on your same wavelength aren’t your best match. Choose wisely.

Cancer—Benzodiazepines

June 21 - July 22

Sensitive energy swirls around you, as the Pisces Sun connects with The Fish’s ruler, Neptune, in April, so prepare to spend some time alone with your emotions. Admitting you’re still into an ex can be cleansing, but don’t do anything hasty. The Benzos/Sun/Venus conjunction makes connecting to exes easier, but lowers your resistance to hurt feelings. This can be a touchy combo.

Leo—Heroin

July 23 - August 22

Mars enters Taurus in April, making romantic progress difficult. You may feel ready to ask someone out one minute, but doubt yourself the next. Wait until you’re on steadier ground, without a needle in your arm, before you take your next big step. Experts in the field of love can help you immensely.

Virgo—Bath Salts

August 23 - Sept 22

April brings a Jupiter/Uranus opposition that helps you break free of a lot of the inhibitions that have been holding you back. Nothing is a sure thing, but half the fun is in not knowing if you’ll meet someone and fall in love or just eat their face. Send a casual text to test the waters before officially asking someone out to try bath salts with you.

Libra—Salvia

September 23 - October 22

Venus turns retrograde, sending your love life into a tailspin—but, it’s nothing you can’t recover from. In fact, use this brief romantic downtime to do some Salvia, or even consider ketamine, to take some time away. A Sun/Saturn in April brings obstacles that challenge your self-confidence, but your doubts will disappear, once you’re able to "see" the big picture—you’re getting used to handling romantic entanglements...bring it on.

Scorpio—Alcohol

October 23 - November 21

A Mars/Saturn trine in April gives you a sense of purpose. You should try to ruin it with alcoholism. Expect a steady, progressive decline and try not to get impatient when things don’t blow up in your face right away. Much like trying to brake while accelerating, you could send conflicting signals at this time. An Aries New Moon adds fire and a take-charge attitude to the mix.

Sagittarius—Good Ol’ Fashioned Vicodin

November 22 - December 22

Dates and prospective love interests see your softer side, as Vicodin meets Mercury and conjoins The Sun in gentle Pisces in April. You aren’t always easy to pin down, but this aspect lets others see your romantic potential. You are much likelier to announce your intentions and you don’t really care what others think of your romantic decisions, when you’re on the vic-a-mins. The Moon and four planets provide you a passionate foundation on which to build a new relationship. Getting physical is a goal, but not your top priority.

Capricorn—Purple Drank

December 22 - January 19

A Sun/Mercury conjunction and access to some roxycodone (because, you’re a Capricorn for God’s sake, you don’t do "cough medicine") improves communication and your odds with someone new. If you use subtlety as a flirting tactic, this aspect helps you amp up your game and get better results. You want to let your guard down, but you can’t help remembering times you’ve been burned in the past. You have to get back up on the horse that threw you at some point. An Aries New Moon finally gives you the courage to go after what you truly want. Your enthusiasm speaks for itself.

Aquarius—Crack Cocaine

January 20 - February 18

A Sun/Mercury conjunction in early April gives you the detachment you need to make wise decisions. A big move to be closer to an ex or crush might not be logical. A Mercury/Saturn trine lowers your tolerance for flakers and fakers, so a date who cancels at the last minute or stands you up, probably won’t get a second chance. Your crack and time is valuable.

Pisces—LSD

February 19 - March 20

The bright and colorful Pisces Sun meet your ruler Neptune on April 1st, which is a fantastic way to start the month. You have a lot to offer in romance, and the right person will recognize that immediately. An Aries New Moon at the end of April reminds you that there’s no time like the present, Dude. Stop putting romance on hold.