Exotic’s Guide To Selling Rugs

(Editor’s note: Grammarly suspended our account for not correcting "ousside" on multiple occasions, Adam went on a brief vacation and I can’t remember where I was, because I forgot to check in on Tinder. Thus, we hired someone from Fiverr to complete the last of our editing and this is what we got in return.)

by Ray McMillin and EditMeFastIndia23@geocities.com

So, you want to get into the rug game? Well, it’s probably best that you pick up on the basics.

First off, let’s cover some slang:

Cut Rugs—Rugs that have been stepped on.

Rug And Alcohol Counseling—A process by which rug users can acquire professional treatment.

Rug Ballad—A mediocre song about rugs by Michigan-area rapper Eminem.

Rug-muncher—Otherwise known as a "mule," this is someone who uses a mouth-to-ass maneuver to smuggle rugs from Juarez to California.

Ruglord—A dude from Miami with a thin mustache, who sells large amounts of rugs to dealers throughout the country.

The Rug Abuse Resistance Education (R.A.R.E) Program—A group of cops, who speak at schools and tell kids how to stay off of rugs.

Next, let’s talk turf. Before you start spreading your rugs all over the streets, make sure that your business isn’t disrupting any nearby rug dealers. The best places to slang rugs are either in inner-city stores that front as regular stores (where you can just put a sign up that says "rugs aren’t for sale" and trust that your customers will know that you really do sell rugs) or near freeway off-ramps and nearby abandoned property lots that still have fences up (advertise your rugs with knock-off brand names, pot leafs and the art from Sublime’s 40 Ounces To Freedom).

Then, you’re gonna want to price your rugs. Street value of rugs is much cheaper than you’re going to find in legal rug dispensaries, but rugs on the deep web have always yielded the best deal (be careful, though, as many fake rugs won’t work, regardless of how hard first-time users claim they’ve tripped on them).

Finally, what to do if you’re caught with rugs? First of all, don’t open the door if the cops knock without a warrant. They will end up stepping on your rugs or taking you to jail for dealing rugs near a rug-free school zone. Never claim that the rugs are yours—blame your grandma. Tell the cops that nana has a rug problem and hasn’t even used the good ones that she’s been saving since the 70s. Ideally, most people experiment with rugs for a bit during college, so it’s best to just move on to the harder, legal stuff (even if it means resorting to Pine-Sol).

If you or someone you know suffers from problems related to rug abuse, please consider wiping your feet, taking off your shoes and learning to smoke crack in the alley with the rest of the hobos.