Top 5: Things I Learned Dating An Instagram Model

For the last few months, I have been in the midst of a life crisis. But, in the middle of this period of evolution, I have found a new partner in life and she just happens to be an Instagram model who, at the time of writing of this piece, has around 12,200 unpaid-for followers (not to mention several hundred premium Snapchat subscribers). Suffice it to say, I didn't think I’d be the guy sitting here at 35, saying that I have a 24-year-old Insta-model for a partner. But, as with all Top 5 columns, I’m just here to pass along what I learn from life...so, here goes.

I know you ladies already know what I’m talking about, but dudes...wow. Just. Fucking. Wow. I have never seen so many dicks in my life, until my Insta-girlfriend showed me her DMs. I’d also like to point out that almost none of those dicks came from paying Snapchat subscribers (this is where I’m sure she would be more inclined to not giggle at your phallus). I have never—not one single time—looked at my dick and thought, "OOOH! That’s a nice angle!" And, neither should any of you.

I have seen more sob stories given, in the attempt to see free titties via DM, than the Make-A-Wish Foundation sees in a fucking year from all forms of cancer kids combined. It’s literally awash with dudes who, on their Instagram page, are holding a stack of money to their ear, saying that their baby mamma just died in a car crash with their actual mamma and, in the fiery inferno that ensued, the dog also died. All they need—the one thing in the world that will quench their eternal misery—is a few free boobie pics (and, maybe, a booty shot...ya know, for the dog).

Y'all some broke-as-fuck motherfuckers. Seriously, we all know that dude in the strip club, wearing one of the two nice outfits he owns, who won’t—not for one second—stop talking about all the paper he be gettin’ in the trap. Or, was it while he’s trapped? I don’t know. Slang confuses me, and when I’m confused, I get angry and blame CNN. But, while he’s buying Rum & Cokes, he also won’t stop begging for free lap dances. Don’t worry, ladies, because that dude is on Instagram too! Probably wearing his two outfits in every picture, trying to speak ebonics to a twenty-dollar bill. At least on Instagram he just wants to see your titties, not have you actually rub them on his face for free.

So, there is a subsection of IG users who are way too old and way too creepy to be using the internet at all, let alone using it to talk to other humans (or, worst of all, using it to talk to women). This guy comes in all colors and sizes, although he can basically be divided into Rich Creeper and Poor Creeper. Rich Creeper offers the vague idea of lavishing this poor, helpless young woman with the finer things, while still managing to find an excuse to not pay fifty bucks for lifetime access. Poor Creeper just says the most off-the-wall shit in the comments and mostly relies on free pics. Who the fuck actually says, "I’d lick that dirty butthole hole clean" (it’s not dirty—it's an extraordinarily hygienic butthole), to a woman they’ve never met? Like, 100,000 dudes on IG, that's who.

I’m gonna close this list out with a sad, but fucking hilarious, subsection of Exotic model fans (wink, wink)—the guy who falls in love. It’s probably important to mention, because I’m not just here to entertain you fucks—I’m here to educate as well. This is also the most dangerous subsection. This is the guy who makes a life up in his head, for his favorite model, where they meet and she falls for his charms, before he saves her from this life of exploitation. Because, why would any woman choose to make a living taking selfies? Waking up at noon and then napping at 4pm must be really draining the life out of her soul, I guess. The reason this guy is funny, is because he has no idea how to not see a woman as a thing. But, this is also what makes him dangerous. So, ladies starting out at an IG career, watch out for this guy.

Current and future IG models, shake what your mama gave ya, because the world is on fire—but, so is that ass. Please, give the inspiration for this article, @princesspervyy, a follow on IG. And, keep it classy, ya bunch of dirty fucks. Ah, hell...who am I kidding? Tell her I sent ya and get a discount on looking at her titties for life, by using the secret code word "EXOTIC" (in all caps...yes, it matters).