The Monthly Column: West Coast See-Crets

This issue focuses on the splendors of America’s second-favorite shoreline, the west coast. Keeping that in mind, I’ve decided to reveal some interesting facts most people don’t know, as they relate to the little towns and cities that pepper the fantastical land that is Oregon, the delightful realm that is Washington and the severed goat-leg-in-an-old sweat-sock that is California.

Anacortes

This town is known for an annual contest to see who has the hairiest back. Open to women since 1998; the trophy must be seen to be believed.

Port Townsend

This quaint village is required by law to have an antique store every 150 feet (46 meters).

Forks

Media would have you believe that this town plays host to a large population of gay vampires, but such is not the case. There is, suprisingly, very little overlap between the gay community and the vampire community in Forks.

Pe Ell

This colorful little town got its name when the town founders, Edward Bumblewaite and Jean-Pierre LeBarge, couldn’t decide what dead animal they had "peeled" off the road. So, they just called it "Pe Ell" (due to Jean-Pierre’s French accent) and the name stuck.

Yelm

The town of Yelm is renowned for being able to "pie" anything and local restaurants often have pies, ranging from the familiar to the bizarre, with names like "Butthole Raisin" or "Horse Goiter" taking center stage.

Battle Ground

Quiet as kept, the battle—from which Battle Ground takes its name—actually happened some miles east of the town borders and was fought between hillbillies, over the ownership of a prize-winning hog.

Kelso

The city of Kelso decided long ago that their claim to fame would be to install a very large letter "K" on a hillside visible from the freeway. This giant "K" is now frequently mistaken for a tribute to the world’s most annoying text message response.

Nehalem

One of the inhabitants of this little burg was the inspiration for the 1992 smash hit song by Wreckx-N-Effect, "Rump Shaker." Records of this person’s identity have been removed from the town’s archives, after an excess of what can only be referred to as "rump tourism."

Lincoln City

This particular slice of small-town life is notable for being the place where Abraham Lincoln’s ghost resides, despite the former President not being buried there, nor having ever visited there while alive.

Port Orford

A surprising place to be home to the world’s largest population of midgets, dwarfs and other "little people."

Drain

The town of Drain was briefly at the forefront of national news in the mid-1970s, after a resident got his genitals entangled in a public fountain—he could not be released for over a month, due to the start of a labor strike. Nobody was willing to cross the picket line to liberate the man, Albert Terrold, after a number of attempts by the citizenry ended in savage beatings at the hands of strikers. As a compromise, he was allowed to be awkwardly given food and water until the strike ended.

Boring

Contrary to the name, this little town has an absolutely insane nightlife, due primarily to the fact that it’s a secret getaway destination for high-profile entertainers, who are known to randomly show up and DJ, sing, play music and otherwise party down at the many hidden nightclubs in Boring.

Cave Junction

Named for the massive cave complex found nearby, Cave Junction randomly selects one of its citizens to live in that cave as the "official" Caveman and ambassador for the town. Terms are for six months and you have to be a permanent resident for over five years to be considered. If selected, you are provided with animal skins to wear, a large wooden club and a handbook on helping tourists. You are also exempt from all laws during your term as Caveman. This practice has only proven troublesome once, in 1983, when a former Caveman with then-unknown mental health issues killed and skinned a family from Cut Bank, Montana, because they were attempting a photo op.

Sweet Home

The town of Sweet Home saw a huge increase in residency, after changing its name from "Dick Mucus Junction" in the late 1960s.

Fort Dick

Despite the popular notion spread by non-residents, Fort Dick is not really constructed from penises. However, it does boast the largest severed-penis museum in the continental United States.

Weed

The city of Weed generates 100% of its municipal revenue from the sales of "I Heart Weed" bumper stickers and a tax on photos taken of the town sign.

Arcata

This humble college town is home to the largest population of modern humans who have never taken a shower.

Yuba City

Founded as a base for the manufacture of musical instruments by several large companies, the town patented its namesake—an inverted tuba—hoping that sales of the "Yuba" would take off and make the place famous (it did not).

Grover Beach

In addition to the usual buskers, beggars, muscleheads and other street performers, Grover Beach also has what they call "pickers"—people who will groom and comb your hair, much like jungle apes, for a small donation. They will eat any lice they find, too.

Calistoga

This is the place to be, if you are a middle-aged lesbian with an interest in rodeo clowning. Census data reports that this is the town’s highest-growth occupation, and skeptics who visited the place to substantiate the numbers, found that it is indeed true. Quoting from the census bureau’s field investigator, "Bill, you’re not gonna believe this, but they really are EVERYWHERE!"

Los Baños

This city of 32,000 inhabitants boasts the highest number of happy people who live in a town named after a pair of toilets.

So, see, travel, explore and enjoy all that the west coast has to offer. Feel free to stop in on some of these oft-overlooked gems, now that you are armed with some new knowledge about such wonderful places. You may discover something and at least you probably won’t get herpes from a doorknob (like you would in New York City).

Unlike genres of music or fast food franchises, drug culture tends to stay within regional boundaries. South America is known for coke, the Midwest is known for methamphetamine, the south is known for cough syrup and Canada is known for maple syrup. When it comes to weed, there is little-to-no-argument that the west coast is home of the best bud our planet has to offer. Still, we have our naysayers, so it’s time to defend the title once again.