Erotic City: R.I.P. Safari Club / Go Juggalos!

Short and sweet this month, thanks to an awesome influx of advertisers and a pretty sweet spread (no pun intended) on the Vagina Beauty Pageant. But, as usual, gotta keep room for some local and national news.

R.I.P. To Safari Showclub, Fuck You To Ted Wheeler

Portland’s Safari Showclub (not to be confused with Estacada’s Safari Club, which is a jungle-themed bar that could have transitioned into a strip club with minimal work, but, it was also demolished), located on SE Powell Blvd, will soon close its doors. But, unlike the usual rumor mill (mafia rings, prostitution, pizza...), the reason behind Safari’s closing is well-documented and verifiable. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler is having the property bought out to be replaced with affordable housing.

Several local news outlets have spun this story to make Safari out to be a less-than-desired business, but there is flawed reasoning behind the most common arguments. First, the "we don’t need a strip club in our neighborhood, especially so close to a school" stance is all well and good if you live in Lake Oswego, but there are no less than five strip clubs within walking distance of Safari—and, that’s only counting the ones located on Powell. Second, the "we have too many strip clubs" argument makes no sense, when you consider that Safari is a jungle theme, Hawthorne Strip is an iconic club, Rose City Strip is a metal-only club, Lucky Devil features gaming, etc. This isn’t some sketchy stretch of "XXX GIRLS" neon signs that blend together—you can actually enjoy unique, one-of-a-kind features in every club along Powell Blvd.

Finally, the we have the "Portland needs affordable housing" camp. Ted Wheeler is a great example of how to play the regressive game, while still retaining that ever-so-popular politician slime. Wheeler knows Portland loves strip clubs and, that women who work in them, make up a well-respected demographic. For instance, the girls in most of our ads are real dancers from real clubs and, although often necessary due to time constraints and such, stock images of models rarely make an appearance. This isn’t Las Vegas; Portland dancers are the actual "girls next door." By shutting down their income, you’re not exactly helping them out with rent. Still, "stripper" maintains its status as a slur to much of the far right (and far left) and, thus, more disposable than a "well-meaning, upstanding transplant" (even though this is the group causing the most strain on the Portland housing market).

So, Ted avoids the "I’m making good on something Portland needs, by eliminating something Portland loves" angle like a chess-playing liberal ninja. The "if you don’t agree with the broad intentions of my idea, then you must hate Group X" guilt trip always works within leftist spheres. Do you disagree with a feminist news article about castrating all men? You must be a misogynist. Do you disagree with stabbing people because they have a Great Clips haircut? You must me a Nazi sympathizer. Do you think that strippers (who are rumored to make millions of dollars in cash, from an imaginary class of hipster high-rollers, who exist only in the minds of stereotype-holding puritans) are more important than the homeless? You must hate the poor. Sure, Ted wants to displace said poor to a lot between a Motel 6 and a McDonald’s, in a neighborhood with, like, a dozen liquor stores and dispensaries (there’s a fucking bowling alley across the street—show me a nice neighborhood with a bowling alley and I’ll show you what part of Canada you’re in). But, there’s no more room in Gresham, ever since the Californians discovered Happy Valley. Thus, we must tear down an iconic club and build new housing projects. Problem solved. Poverty in Portland is no more.

Safari is (ahem, was) the shit. From the reader board outside that says "BUTT STUFF" to the lounge-y setup inside, the club is welcoming and surprisingly non-patronizing without being low-bar. The current roster of Safari dancers is among the best and the staff is fucking awesome. Wheeler isn’t shutting down just any strip club—he’s shutting down one of the best, most "Old Portland" of strip clubs. Any club that "used to be Doc’s" should be considered a landmark. What’s next? The Acropolis? Mary’s? And, Safari can’t just up and relocate. If you think it’s easy to find a new location for a strip club, take a look at Casa Diablo, located in the NW industrial. The club is situated between smoke stacks and railroad tracks, but the owner still had to build an addition to his deck, so that the residents of the only house in that neighborhood wouldn’t be put through the torture of seeing beautiful women. The club’s sequel even got protested when it moved in next to another strip club. Who moves to an industrial area for the family-friendly, Norman Rockwell element? Newly transplanted Portlandians, that’s who. This is also who will likely fill up the new "affordable" (guessing $1,500/mo for a studio) housing where Safari once was. Then, these residents will complain about having to look at Hawthorne Strip or Rose City Strip (or, gasp, a bowling alley and a liquor store). Sooner or later, all of our clubs will be relocated to the outskirts of Troutdale, where they will be eventually protested, outlawed and turned into Hobby Lobby stores.

I know you’re not reading this column, Ted, because we don’t advertise for indie rock festivals or vegan grocery stores in our magazine (I mean, we will if asked, but I don’t think Whole Foods wants to be placed next to Top 5 Ways To Buy Sex With Bitcoin). So, it is a tad virtue-signally for me to say this, but for real: fuck you, Ted, and fuck the smart car you rode in on. If you really gave a shit about affordable housing, you wouldn’t have bussed out the black families in NE to make way for bike lanes and Starbucks.

Lastly—and this is, by far, the most important part of this column—if you are a sex worker (of any variety) who has screenshots, emails, texts or any other such proof of interacting with Ted Wheeler in any context, please email them to me. Something tells me that he’s a have-my-assistant-offer-to-buy-your-panties type of guy. Your name (including stage name, alias, porn name, etc.) will remain 100% anonymous. Editor@Xmag.com is where you can send your contribution to my new coffee table book and/or series of editorial blackmail (depending on how much rolls in).

Juggalos Transition From Gang To Political Party

Holy shit. Unless you’ve been living under a box of Faygo, you’ve probably heard about the Juggalo March On Washington, happening just five days after 9/11, on the front lawn of our nation’s capitol. If you don’t know what a Juggalo is, you fucked up (whoop, whoop). You know how Trump claims to represent the working class, Black Lives Matter aims for racial equality and AntiFa stands against fascism? Well—and I’m not the first to point this out—it turns out that Juggalos are not only made up of racially-diverse, working class, classic-punk-rock-mentality folks of all genders and ages, but they couldn’t give two shits about politics. Since being labeled as a gang by the FBI, they are clearly under the same scrutiny as other groups mentioned here, but I forgot to note how all three groups (BLM, MAGA, AntiFa) will be present at (or around) the Juggalo March, for entirely unrelated reasons. This is glorious, so Exotic has sent Eric Alexander Moore (better known as Hoyt Hufurnuhur) to cover the Juggalo March and report back.

This whole circus (pun inevitable) will provide fuel for the internet for weeks to come. The world’s biggest Trump march is happening. BLM and AntiFa will be counter-marching. So what? That’s called "Saturday." But, we’ve never seen how these groups interact with tattooed clowns who hate the Confederate flag and represent the working class. My bet is on Juggalos being the reasonable, level-headed ones. What then? What happens when our college students and good ol’ boys are one-upped by a group of people who know every word to "I Stuck Her With My Wang," use the phrase "psycho bitch" as a compliment and drink cotton-candy-flavored soda instead of water? America happens, motherfucker—that’s what. Michael Moore tried (and failed) to save Detroit. The Insane Clown Posse is practically a stock ticker (I’m 99% sure that Psychopathic Records brought more money into Michigan last year than General Motors). The best part of the Trump era will be the phase when clown-faced hooligans unite our country.

I, for one, welcome our Juggalo overlords. See you all at the Great Milenko show at Bossanova on Friday, September 29th. I’ll be opening up. Wombstretcha may be there, too.