Erotic City

Holy shit, what a summer...time for Halloween! The 13th falls on a Friday this year, so we’re in for another awesome October. Pumpkin spice everything, spooky stripper haunted houses and free candy. What’s not to look forward to? Oh, and Miss Exotic Oregon 2018 is here. But first, the scariest thing I’ve seen all year...

Live Concert Review: Vince Neil At The Oregon State Fair

On Friday, September 1, Vince Neil played at the Oregon State Fair. Unfortunately, I was at the show and able to review it. What follows is a moment-by-moment recount of the evening. A cautious warning is given here; this may be the whitest thing you’ve ever read. Proceed with caution.

6:55PM - While standing in line for tickets, myself and a friend are offered free admission to the fair, courtesy of a snack company whose name I forgot (and was supposed to mention here). Vince Neil, billed as "the voice of Mötley Crüe" is set to perform.

7:05PM - State fair security guards smoke cigarettes next to "NO SMOKING" signs, while giving seating directions to "VIP" ticket holders, who have been given standing-room-only "seating" on concrete.

7:10PM - Audience members in the free seating section are stroking their mullets and yelling at sweatpants-clad children. It is clear that white culture may exist after all.

7:15PM - The speakers on an empty stage begin playing Jules Winnfield’s "Path Of The Righteous Man" speech from Pulp Fiction—an overplayed sample that did a great job setting the tone for a trite and predictable evening.

7:16PM - Vince Neil’s band members—who will not be referred to by name at any point in the evening—assist Vince in a slew of intro songs, including "Dr. Feelgood," "Crowd Banter & Guitar" and "Dr. Feelgood (Reprise)." It is clear that Vince Neil has either forgotten (or simply stopped caring about) his lyrics, opting to focus on showmanship, bravado and energetic spins for the majority of his performance.

7:20PM - "Hey there, uhh...crowd, how we doin’?" It is clear that Vince Neil has no idea the name of the town (and, possibly the state) he his in. "You guys ready for a good time? We got all sorts of stuff for you tonight...we have some Mötley Crüe songs and some, uhh, how we doing out there?!" The band plays something that resembles "Wild Side."

7:25PM - Vince dedicates "this next song" to the troops, before engaging in a mini-speech about how important the troops are. We are not currently at war. Vince mentions that his "...dad was in Veeee-it-naaaam," eliciting a mild reaction from the crowd, before continuing, "my uncle was in Kooooo-reeeahhhhh." The anticipated applause never arrives. "My oooother uncle was in Day-serrrt STOOORM." Mild response. I decide to chime in at the appropriate time, "And I was in Motleeeyyy Crrrüüüüüe!" This gets a bigger reaction from the rest of the audience than I expected. The band breaks into "Home Sweet Home," without the help of a piano or a video montage to make it good.

7:29PM - The crowd is now responsible for providing the majority of the vocals during a "Voice Of Mötley Crüe" concert, with the large portion being performed by the backing band. Vince Neil repeatedly extends the microphone stand toward crowd members, who remember just as many lyrics to "Shout At The Devil" as Vince Neil does.

7:32PM - Vince is winded, visibly confused and excited. The show is a mirror image of an ex-biker dad singing karaoke at the bar attached to a Chinese food restaurant. Without a shred of irony, Vince breaks into "Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)," as dozens of people opt to leave the concert and explore the rest of the state fair.

7:35PM - A woman pulled from a 1987 music video brings Vince Neil a guitar, which he then proceeds to use for approximately two to three strums, before letting it hang by his side and forgetting more lyrics to another Mötley Crüe song. Vince makes hooting noises, indicating that the guitar hoe is attractive. More people are walking out.

7:39PM - Vince Neil disappears, while his guitarist begins a solo.

7:41PM - Vince Neil is still gone. Nameless Guitarist Guy steps to the mic, asking the crowd if they like Zeppelin. The crowd responds affirmatively before the guitarist nods to the rest of the band.

7:55PM - The backing band finishes up the fourth of several cover songs, ranging from Led Zeppelin to Ozzy. These prove to be the best-performed songs of the evening. Nameless Guitarist Guy appears to have a bright future ahead of him (or a torrid past, but it’s hard to tell).

8:00PM - Vince Neil returns to stage, much to the surprise of his band. As the band performs a montage of Mötley Crüe songs, Vince Neil’s nameless drummer decides to stand on his drum kit, using one leg, while spinning in a circle and hitting the snares to the beat. Tommy Lee is unavailable for comment. Vince continues to replace lyrics with hoots and grunts, which are indistinguishable from the racing pigs getting set up in a nearby location on the fairgrounds.

8:05PM - Vince asks the crowd how they are feeling. The crowd does not react. Vince responds, "That’s what I’m talkin’ about!" "Let’s see if you remember the lyrics to this one." The crowd does not remember the lyrics to it.

8:09PM - Mötley Crüe-aoke continues, culminating in an apparent strike on the part of audience members, who are refusing to respond to Vince Neil’s lyrical callbacks, such as "Years gone by and we still kicking (silence)!" and "Must have broke those (silence)!"

8:15PM - Pig races at the other end of the fair draw several audience members, including me, to watch a much more entertaining spectacle. Sourdough Jack ends up winning, as I predicted he would. I should have bet on the pig races.

Rest In Peace To Our Friend, Fox

Last month, our industry lost a friend. Bouncer, club manager and all-around good guy, Fox, passed away. Due to the nature of this being an adult magazine, I will spare the personal details and his full name, with respect to his close friends and family. But, it would be dishonest, to gloss over the passing of someone who I’ve never seen disrespect a dancer, abuse his position or, in any way, leave a negative impact on the Portland strip club scene. This is rare. Although the Portland industry is arguably better than other areas—in terms of humanizing dancers and avoiding "underbelly" stigma—we’re still shitlords from time to time. Dancers knock over drinks when hipster customers mouth off, DJs play Journey when dancers refuse to tip and, usually, it is up to a level-headed bouncer and/or manager to put said fires out. What I remember about Fox, is that his ability to extinguish said fires without remotely disrespecting anyone involved, was uncanny. If you want to get a good gauge of someone’s character, put them between two half-naked strippers during a fight. Anyways, I don’t know if you’re still reading this shit from the other side, but we miss you Fox. Cheers.

Miss Exotic Oregon Returns

On a lighter note, it’s that time of year again...the leaves turn orange, children are given free candy, adults dress up as the dead and, amongst all the fall chaos, a select team of expert dancers engage in the longest-running and most respected industry pageant in the region, Miss Exotic Oregon. Spanning several weeks, across multiple clubs (see the Club Spotlight section at the end of this column), this contest showcases the best and brightest of the Oregon roster. And, not only will the winner be handed a fistful of cash and crowned with the best title since "POTUS," she will be given a cover shoot for this very magazine. There are roughly 1,134 strip clubs in Portland and all but two advertise with us. So, you can image, it’s not easy to get on the cover of this magazine. Miss Exotic Oregon 2018 is your chance to make history, whether you are a dancer or someone who wants to support a dancer. And, even if you compete and don’t win the contest, you will be twice as prepared for next year. Join us for the only holiday tradition that matters—Miss Exotic Oregon!