The Monthly Column: Straight-To-Video Harvest

Does anyone remember that old horror movie, Children Of The Corn? It’s about a group of creepy kids, who are like Mennonite Murder Machines (there will be a $5 surcharge if I find out you have used this as a band or album name) and they go around killing all the adults in a tiny Midwestern town, to appease a corn god, only to later be stopped by a random couple whose car breaks down in Creepyville.

It came from the pen of Stephen King, but don’t worry—it was long enough ago that it won’t remind you of the whiny, tepid crumb cake we know today. What’s more important than this, however, is that Hollywood has milked King’s 30-page short story into a series of not one, not two or three, but nine feature films—only two of them seeing an actual theater release.

Yes, that’s correct. There are *NINE* Children Of The Corn movies (and one made-for-TV movie, which I won’t count). Nine. All of them are sequels or prequels, too—no reboots.

So, with nine down, a hypothetically infinite amount to go and Hollywood currently losing money by the truckload (insert comment on The Emoji Movie here), I figured I’d offer some sequel ideas, to breathe new life into the franchise:

Children Of The Corn 11: The Children Of The Cornening

For this particular sequel to COTC, a couple break down in the parking garage of a huge skyscraper, which, due to unknown causes, shuts all the doors and windows, leaving them trapped with a bunch of murderous children, who occupy all floors except the very top, which has a sky bridge to an adjacent child-free building (and also has free snacks). They must race against time and a horde of homicidal urchins, in order to escape with their lives!

Children Of The Corn 13: Return To Corn Cavern

This prequel explores a sect of children who are possessed by a mystical corn demon—as with the first movies—but, it’s set way back in caveman times and corn grows in a cave for some reason. When a couple’s legs break down in front of Corn Cavern, they have to struggle against the legion of what are, in fact, the very first Children Of The Corn.

Children Of The Corn 15: 2 Children 2 Cornious

Set in the street-racing circuit, the adult racers are slowly being replaced by children, who are murdering their way into the driver’s seat. When a couple’s dragster breaks down near the raceway, they must find out why all the cars are being secretly switched to corn-based biofuels. Oh, and also why everyone’s getting kill-deathed.

Children Of The Corn vs. Leprechaun vs. Troll vs. Bride Of Chucky

The series’ first "versus" installment, wherein 35 years of waiting for the rights for all those characters to appear in one movie are finally realized, because all the studios have merged into one big studio at this point. Watch while feeling the dull sensation that this should have been made 30 years ago and that you pretty much only bought a ticket because they finally did it.

Children Of The Corn 18: First Corn Part II

Returning to its roots, this movie is a sequel to the third Children Of The Corn movie, but set in an alternate timeline. The premise is that a couple has their car break down in an isolated Midwestern town, but the twist is that the couple are children, the car is a Power Wheels™ and the town is an off-the-grid refuge for bible-thumping pedophiles. The children must escape using raw cunning, to avoid having their cornholes turned into creamed cornholes.

Okay, so, take note, Hollywood! I will also write scripts for any of these movies, should the brain-geniuses down there have trouble fleshing out some of the concepts.

Go eat some candy corn!

(Just kidding, that shit’s awful.)

-WStM