Inside Belinda’s Box

Hey, Kats and Kittens. I don’t know about your weekends, but sometimes Momma "accidentally" takes too much Xanax, gets a little too relaxed and ends up watching Fox News to get her anxiety levels back to normal. It’s like, really cheap speedballing. Anyhow, there is a pervasive idea at Fox, that liberals like me are having way kinkier parties than I’m personally invited to. I know they exist. Please, email me with all kinky party invites.

The other day, I was reading something about Mozart liking scat play (shitting for sexy reasons, for those who don’t flag brown) and it occurred to me; how many of these venerated, straight and missionary historical figures are actually kinky as hell? Well, like...all of them.

POPE ALEXANDER VI — (1489-1501)

...had many mistresses and presided as a judge over a contest orgy.

The Catholic Church used to be a way better party before 1585 (the Spanish Inquisition notwithstanding), at which point it introduced celibacy. The introduction of celibacy to the church really cut down on the Pope pulling some strange. As you can imagine, being "His Popeness" would really inspire some "worshiping at the Papal altar" (slang for blowjobs in 1493), which Pope Alexander took full advantage of— "advantage" being the key word here.

According to the Pope’s Master Of Ceremonies, Bishop Johann Burchard, Alexander not only had an orgy "involving fifty fine courtesans" in the apostolic apartment, but also had his children in attendance. He also bought his way right into being Pope, so he really nailed the fuck out of being the moral compass of the world.

EMPRESS MESSALINA — WIFE OF I, CLAUDIUS

...moonlit as an insatiable common prostitute.

This, according to Juvenal, who is a Roman poet who penned the Satires (not to be confused with the rapper Juvenile, who penned "Back that Azz Up," although a little known fact, is that Empress Messalina was the original inspiration for "Back That Azz Up").

Empress Messalina really wanted to give back to the commoner. As the story goes, once Messalina knew that Emperor Claudius was asleep, she donned a blonde wig and entered the town brothel, where she took on any and all men until daylight. Did she have a stripper name? Absolutely. Her brothel name was "Lycisca," which is "Cinnamon" in Greek.

KING JAMES — OF BIBLE FAME

...was way into dudes.

Most people who have had seedy motel sex are familiar with King James—his bible is one of the most widely distributed English versions of the tome that enumerates the ways we are going to hell. Not only does that list include eating shellfish, getting tattoos and practicing inhospitable behavior toward strangers, but it also includes boning dudes. The mention of dude-boning is limited to a couple of passages, but those passages have been used to justify all sorts of heinous shit.

But, King James was pretty open about his love of young, strapping chaps, because he only skimmed Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy, while simultaneously eating ham, planting his crops all willy nilly and gallivanting around in a cotton/ wool blend. In 1607, he fell in love with a poverty-stricken Scotsman named Robert Carr. The handsome 17-year-old Carr fell off a horse and broke his leg. So, the 41-year-old king nursed him back to health, taught him some Latin (and, some French too...you think leeringly) and fell in love. It was not secret. The Earl Of Suffolk wrote, "The king leaneth on [Carr’s] arm, pinches his cheeks, smoothes his rued garments and, when he looketh at Carr, directeth discourse to others."

PRESIDENT HARDING

...had underage sex in a White House coat closet.

Harding was our 29th President, serving from 1921 to 1923. He is not considered a badass. He’s been considered a bottom-tier president (I mean, previously...I’m sure he’s FDR, in comparison to this current administration) due to the many scandals that happened in his administration, such as the Teapot Dome Scandal—which, despite sounding like something that happened to one of the seven dwarves, was the largest scandal U.S. History until Watergate.

He was also apparently an inspiration to Bill Clinton, because, in 1927, Nan Britton published a book titled The President’s Daughter. It claimed that Harding started an affair with a 16-year-old girl (the age of consent in D.C. is 16, but he was 58, which is gross). And, that’s not the only case of Harding living up to his last name (insert dick joke), because another woman, Carrie Fulton Phillips, had massive amounts of love notes from President "Time On His Hands" (no wonder he sucked as a President) and I found out they were unsealed in July 2015. I’m reading ‘em. The Starr Report is going to read like Twilight, after Dr. Feelgood’s prose comes to town.

One quote from Harding read, "Honestly, I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts

He’s basically saying he’s got blue balls. He must have given her one hell of a motorboat, when he finally saw her.

CHARLES II

...was a real cheerleader.

I’m not sure if it’s called "cuckolding" if it’s your nephew’s wife (instead of yours) and I’m not looking that one up. Frankly, I’m not sure my computer can process that much porn, so I’d like you to do it and get back to me—I like to give my readers homework. On the wedding night of his nephew and future King, William Of Orange (no relation to Trump), Charles II watched the entire consummation, while shouting encouragement from the sidelines. Sadly, no documentation exists to clarify whether the encouragement improved or hindered his performance overall.

MOZART

...loved scat (shit).

Mozart was known as the genius who wrote 600 pieces of top-notch music (I say top-notch, but I’m sure someone hates Composition 321 or whatever...feel free argue that among yourselves). Yes, I know you’re reading this in a strip club. You’ve heard him in an elevator, if nothing else. If that is the only time, I would suggest getting out of the strip club and maybe taking in a classical music concert.

When he wasn’t busy busting out concertos or throwing down a symphony, Mozart wrote letters to his cousin about what he’d like to do with her. A lot of that, was shit on her, about her shit or about her own bed filling up with shit (which, I would imagine, really made anniversaries a nightmare).

"Well, I wish you good night. But, first, shit into your bed and make it burst."

I would not want to be Mozart’s dry cleaner...hard "no."

So, if your current sex partner thinks that your penchant for being spanked while calling them "Big Daddy" is too off the rails (don’t judge me), let them know they are delightfully honoring history.