Green Room Diaries: Holiday Gifts For Stoners

Happy Holidays! I’m not avoiding the term "Christmas" because I’m one of those weird white people who gets offended on behalf of others—rather, I recognize that there are multiple days in the month that serve only as excuses to give (and, get) cool shit from the homies. For the entire month of December, I celebrate all religions at once, which makes for awkward gatherings, but always yields the maximum amount of free shit. Stoners are all about sharing (B-nugs, at least), but we don’t always have the best execution, regardless of good intentions. So, without further ado, here is an Exotic guide to purchasing the right gifts for the weed smokers in your life.

GOOD GIFTS

A New Pipe Or Bong

When’s the last time you smoked out of a clean piece? Most people treat their paraphernalia like they treat their cars—at first, they keep it all shiny and new, but, eventually, the condition devolves into "just above working," before it gets covered in sticky brown stuff and ends up being used by god only knows how many people. Much like that "new car smell," the taste of weed from a clean bong or pipe is unbeatable. In fact, it’s kind of like any other acquired taste that you’ve forgotten how much you love, after years of living alone (good wine, expensive bourbon, pussy, etc.). So, for the gift recipient in your life who’s still using a clogged-up piece from the gas station, grab them a bong or a pipe from your favorite head shop. I prefer Dizzy’s Smoke Shop in Salem, OR and Torched Illusions in Southwest Portland (Beaverton and Tigard).

Halloween Candy

Stoners love Halloween-themed anything, regardless of the season. It’s a semi-well-known fact that grocery stores always discount their holidaythemed crap a few days after any given holiday. I picked up about twenty-five bucks worth of gummy bears for three dollars in August, because they were themed with Fourth Of July colors (if you need proof that I’m a stoner for life, I actually follow the market price of gummy bears). Anyhow, all the ugly-ass warehouse grocery stores have Halloween candy on a major discount right now. Plus, ten pounds of candy corn will fit nicely with all the Nightmare Before Christmas stuff that your stoned loved one likely owns (or, at least make for a good giggle). Seriously, though—Halloween candy is cheap right now. "Buy the dip," as traders say. Fun Dip. It’s next to free right now.

A Copy Of Exotic

We don’t print "free" in large font on the front of our magazine, because we have class. For relatives outside the Oregon and Washington areas, consider sending them a stack of these bad boys. Ya know, "for the articles." Tell them you paid a lot of money for it and convince them to return the favor, by taking you to Stars.

Last-Gen Video Game System

You’d think, that the stoner in your life would prefer a brand new PlayStation 5 (or, whatever’s current), but that’s an investment that said stoner might not be willing to participate in. For one, the new games are expensive as hell, and with every new generation, micro-transactions (shit you have to pay for, in the game, with real money) are becoming more common. Compare this to a last-generation console—there are tons of cheap, used 360 games for sale at the local video game rip-off stores, the hardware and software bugs have already been fixed, and the best part is, you’ll be able to "return" the gift (keep it for yourself), should the recipient be one of those ungrateful, I-only-want-expensive-shit types.

Gift Certiffcate For Some Shit They Wouldn’t Normally Buy

A massage certificate. Spencer’s Gifts store credit. Toys ‘R’ Us Bucks. The thing with stoners, is that we spend all our money on weed, nutrients, power bills, cam girls and Denny’s. We like the blacklight poster of Tupac juxtaposed against a weed leaf, but we won’t part with greenbacks to get it. So, get it for us! Now is the time of year to waste money on the extreme, but don’t go too far into left field. Stock in Pets.com may not be the best idea.

BAD GIFTS

Medibles

Okay, hear me out...medibles can make great presents, but not for the holidays. Why? Well, try opening up a chocolate bar in front of the nephews, telling them that they can’t have any and then smiling. Then, when you start to feel the effects an hour later, giggle in tears, while your family wonders why you just denied a child chocolate. Plus, medibles are still sketchy as fuck. If I spend fifty bucks on a Willy Wonka Thunderfuck Bar, I’m gonna need more specific instructions than just "eat some and if that doesn’t work, eat more." We need to put former coke dealers in charge of medibles— at least they know how to properly cut and measure their product.

Weed Plants

You’d think that, being legal in Oregon and Washington, a baby pot plant would make a great gift. However, you may as well just give someone a baby human or a dog. Pot plants require tender, loving care. Yes, they can technically "grow anywhere," but so can babies and dogs. You don’t want to be raising the equivalent of a stray pet on probation, which is analogous to how most homegrown weed turns out. Of note, this also goes for pot that you grew. Unless you run a medical grow or live in Humboldt County, CA, your weed is not that good. Sorry.

A Copy Of Garden State On DVD, Because It Came With Die Hard For Some Reason

Look, everyone is gonna know this gift wasn’t intentional. That’s okay. Return to the top of this list and look at the second option, if you find yourself strapped for cash, in Wal-Mart, on Christmas Eve.

Property In Detroit, MI

A few years ago, I found about two dozen houses for sale in East Detroit, MI, all of which ran for about ten bucks! What a steal!!! As it turns out, I bought a few on a whim, but found out that the property taxes alone—which have to cover stray dogs, crackheads and Juggalos—are higher than the cost of the house (by thousands). So, if you think, "Hey! Summer homes in Michigan for the whole family," you may never see your family again.