Top 5: Things Rapists And Pedophiles Haven’t Ruined

Holy shit, guys. I took some time off from writing these columns, during which time the world literally exploded with rape, sexual harassment and pedophilia. Do I have to remind you fucks, that this is why we can’t have nice things? I don’t personally believe that anyone thought the entertainment industry was wholesome, or safe, for women and children. That would be some Christianity-level cognitive dissonance... am I right? But, the cat is really out of the bag now, and us normal, not-rapey people have to find things we can still enjoy—guilt-free. So, this month, I bring back Top 5, with things rapists and pedophiles haven't ruined for the rest of us.

Spoiler alert...House Of Cards didn’t make the list.

1. Jogging

I don’t run, unless it’s towards cake or away from the police. But, I’ve heard of something called a "runner’s high." I guess it’s something that happens when your endorphins kick in, or maybe it has to do with the "fight or flight" response. I don’t know, to be honest, but what I do know, is that jogging is something all humans with working legs can do—making it a reasonably safe activity for the socially conscious. Plus, if you are in good shape, you’re probably more likely to get away from danger. Remember that movie Zombie Land? Survival is all about cardio.

2. Going To The Strip Club

Funny as it may sound to you, considering all the sexually related fuckery we find ourselves buried under in modern society, going to the strip club is a seriously wholesome activity for the socially conscious man. Think about it—the ladies are there by choice, they are safe, working a great paying gig and all the dancers I know have told me that their job makes them feel empowered. So, ladies and gentlemen, next time you want your voice heard in the discourse about women’s rights and sexual independence...go throw some dollars down at the rack and make America great again!

3. Seth MacFarlane’s Work

Not only is this guy funny, but he has consistently told the truth about Hollywood and other dodgy areas of pop culture, from behind a thin veil of comedy. Take, for example, the fact that he alluded to Kevin Spacey’s proclivity for young boys years before it became the dominant topic on your newsfeed. He makes us laugh and makes us think. He’s a classy fuckin’ dude, who doesn’t make me feel all gross when I tell people I’m a fan (unlike Matt Damon, who definitely knew Harvey was a fucking dirtbag and never said a word about it...also, fuck Matt Damon).

4. Wu-Tang Clan

I have said it before and I will say it again...Wu- Tang is for the babies. Rap music is, by nature, misogynistic, but the Wu has always brought us pearls of wisdom regarding treating your partner like a queen (or king) and raising your children to be strong, independent thinkers. The Wu has taught me about history, philosophy, art, religion and gangster shit—everything a growing person needs to be the dopest motherfucker they can be. One can enjoy Wu-Tang’s music mostly guilt-free, unless it’s liberal white guilt and, if recent history has taught us anything, it’s that white guilt is good guilt. I remember getting my copy of the record "Wu-Tang Forever" and hearing these words:

Socrates philosophies and hypotheses
Can’t deffne why I be droppin’ these mockeries
Lyrically perform armed robbery

Wisdom at its finest and also some great vocabulary work, for those impressionable ears of yours.

5. Reading Exotic

I’m proud of my work in this magazine and I can say, for certain, I feel the same about my colleagues here. One of the things that I’m proud of, is that every single writer for this magazine gets their own voice. We are all paid the same amount—both men and women—and, we are all encouraged to speak our minds. I have never been edited for content and I have never heard of anyone else being censored, either. There are loads of people who contribute to this magazine and not once have I been privy to any form of discrimination. If we insult a person, it’s because they are an asshole, aren’t funny or they steal material. I have felt encouraged to submit as much work as I can and I know, for a fact, that my female cohorts are encouraged to do so, as well. When compared to any publication in Portland, I have seen some of the most bitingly honest writing in Exotic. I am confident your time is well-spent reading these articles and you are in no way being a part of the problem as you do so.

We live in a world where abuse and harassment are systemic. It didn’t just become this way, though—it’s important to know this. We have just now entered into a new part of our culture, where we are talking about it and are doing a better job singling out those responsible. Much like the motto on the New York subway says—if you see something, say something. Do not allow yourself to become an ally of the abuser or rapist, through inaction and silence. Stand strong with your friends and family. who have gone through these real and horrible tragedies. Become a part of the solution and be the change you want to see in the world. I know you will, though, because you fucks are good fucks, who give a fuck.