The Monthly Column: Ho, Ho, Order Yourself A Ho

"It’s the holiday season once again," we all say, with a vague sense of loathing in our voices—like we have an appointment to go deal with someone we can’t stand being around (but must see). Naturally, we also think of the attendant things which come with The Holidays™*, such as the family we hate, the compulsory buying of gifts and the looming prospect of slogging through three months where every P.A. system in every public place plays something with that "shing-ching-ching" sleighbell sound. However, if you’re like most people, you think of your own little reward...and, by that, I mean a well-earned visit (or two) with an escort.

Now, since a great many folks don’t visit escorts until the holiday season, it can be important to remember the ins-and-outs of ordering. In the ads they post in your favorite adult corners of the internet, there’s usually a short description, followed by a series of esoteric codes. What are these codes, you ask? Well, they’re codes for what your escort will or won’t do with you when the clothes come off and humanity looks at itself.

An example: Tall Redhead Outcall (Hotel Only) True Fantasy CMD, FIV, CBJ, FK, GS.

The fuck does all that mean?

Well, let’s start with "tall redhead"—presumably, this means you’re buying time with a rather tall redhead (though, it’s most likely just a shaved gorilla in a wig). Then, we have "outcall," which means that they visit you and have no designated location at which they can be visited. "Hotel only" means...well, you can meet them at hotels only (like that makes them harder to strangle or something). Then, there’s "true fantasy," which is just a bit of color.

Yet, those weird acronyms...what are these???

Well, CMD means "carpet matches drapes." So, if they did just shave a gorilla, they also dyed its crotch. FIV means "fingers in vagina," as in, you’re allowed to shove your booger hooks in there, should you so choose. FK is "French kissing," meaning raw, salivating, mouth-on-mouth contact. CBJ is a "covered blowjob," meaning you get your knob jobbed, but only with a jimmy hat on. Last is GS, which is the option to do a "golden shower." You know, gettin’ peed on. So, that’s how to translate an escort ad.

I’ve provided a list—diligently researched for ages— of all the acronyms I could find for escort services and their meanings. Hopefully, this can be of some help to you holiday shoppers.

BBS - Bareback. No condom needed.

BBJ - Bareback Blowjob. You get the idea.

BBW - Big Beautiful Woman. For the chubby chasers.

BDSM - Bondage and all that fun crap.

CCR - Full service for under $200. Why it’s named after Creedence, I don’t know.

CD - Cross-Dresser.

CFS - Covered Full Service. You boink to completion, but only with protection.

CG - Cowgirl. They’re willing to look at you during the act.

CIM - Cum In Mouth. You can cum in their mouth, genius.

CIP - Cum In Pussy. Does not involve cats.

DDP - Double Dip Penetration. Both holes.

DDE - Doesn’t Do Extras. Presumably, this means no juggling.

DIY - Do It Yourself. You sit there and jerk it, while they do something one would assume is erotic in nature (and not their taxes or some shit).

DP - Double Penetration. Bring a friend!

FBSM - Full Body Sensual Massage. Erotic rub-down, usually followed with a tug-and-chug.

FOV - Finger Outside Vagina. Not sure what the deal is with this, but I guess you just poke them, like a kid who finds a dead animal.

GB - Get Brain. A blowjob. I like this one. Get brain, indeed.

GFE - Girlfriend Experience. I’m assuming this means that you get ready for a big deal, only to spend an hour or two being told how much you suck and never take her places, and how everything you do isn’t ever enough, until you just wanna die.

HDH - High Dollar Hottie. Expensive meat.

HM - High Mileage. I guess some of these are brutally honest, or more likely, not written by the escorts themselves.

LDL - Low Dollar Looker. Discount produce.

LK - Light Kissing. Closed mouth. For that Great Aunt Gladys experience.

LOS - Land Of Smiles. Thailand, apparently. It’s supposed to describe an escort from Thailand.

MBR - Multiple Bell Ringing. They will work to make you nut a couple times.

MSOG - Many Shots On Goal. Same as above, but sounds sportier.

PSE - Pornstar Experience. If I had to say what this really is, I’d say it probably means that a girl with fake tits shows up late and blasted out of her mind.

RP - Role-Playing. Bring your 20-sided dice. Shit’s about to get serious.

RS - Roman Shower. They’ll puke on you if you ask. Not sure if this implies you have to feed them first, or if they come "loaded."

Russian - Does not mean they are Russian, but instead that they’ll let you titty fuck them. Not sure how that one got started, but I’m also not too sure I want to know.

SOG - Shot On Goal. Just one. One nut for you. No more.

TG - Transgender. The oldest profession meets the latest craze.

Tina - Meth. Usually in the context of "payment in Tina accepted." Strap in, kids—this will likely be a ride.

TV - Transvestite. No clarification if they are required to be from transsexual Transylvania.

YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary. Says it all, doesn’t it?

So there’s the guide. Hopefully, this can help eliminate some of the confusion associated with your "holiday shopping for dad." Enjoy!

-WStM

*Note: "The Holidays," "Santa," "Coke," "The Real Thing," "Christmas," "Summer," "The Olympics," "Happiness," Polar bears and people going "Ahhh!" after drinking are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Company.