Love In A Plain Brown Envelope: Shadowboxing Emotional Biases

This essay is third in a series, based on the suggested writing assignments in Antero Alli’s The Eight-Circuit Brain.

Each essay in this series delves into a specific circuit. This essay combines (C2) emotional power and (C6) psychic intuition, uniting both to open the doors of perception that raise empathy and deflect conflict.

Alli’s system of eight-circuit praxis emphasizes the psycho-spiritual with exercises that link the body, mind and spirit complex. It’s my opinion that this is the most accessible occult curriculum available because of its rejection of dogma.

A brief history lesson: Timothy Leary created the eight-circuit model of consciousness theory with the intent to map intelligence and experiential knowledge. Robert Anton Wilson expanded the model. Alli developed it into an exploratory practice.

My definitions of the eight circuits change as I continue my on-going experiments. Currently, I label them as (C1) bio security, (C2) emo power, (C3) logos, (C4) community, (C5) pleasure, (C6) psychic intuition, (C7) synchronicity and (C8) dream.

The circuits run in pairs: C1/C5, C2/C6, C3/C7 and C4/C8. My previous essays handled them individually, but it made more sense to combine C2/C6 here, because it would be too pedantic to solely give the spotlight to my inner Morrissey.

What I’m about to share with you can be used against me forever. I should be more reluctant to disclose my psychological processes to a bunch of strangers reading a titty magazine, but what the hell? Most of this is probably on Facebook, anyway.

Herein is my confession, of dualistic emotional biases, which falls under the second circuit, because it rules emotions, feelings, boundaries, status and power. It’s the dominion of domination/submission, in all its internal and external emanations. This is where negative and positive emotional biases form and amass.

After acknowledging these biases, I thought my life would get easier. Instead, I’ve found myself at the end of a relationship and at the beginning of deeper self-awareness.

I’ll start with the negative emotional biases, because that’s where my mind automatically turns first.

Upon closer inspection, I’ve learned that I discredit my own feelings when someone discounts them. I second guess myself and worry I must be wrong. This is unhealthy, because all feelings are valid, even when they’re ridiculous. Even though I know that to be true, I’m easily bullied by anyone who has a hold of my heart. I turn into the opposite of my normal-spirited self. I shrink. I falter. I wither.

I handed an ex-boyfriend a real-time journal, of all the moments I felt myself falling in love with him. I thought it was one of the sweetest things I ever did for someone. The ending included my feelings of abandonment when he ghosted me for two weeks to go on a drinking binge, before he soberly dumped me upon his return. I didn’t try to get back together with him—I simply gave him the romance diary as a memento, since I only wrote it to give to him someday.

"I’ll come back for you," he told me. But, somehow, I was the manipulative one. I questioned whether it was true—had I unconsciously been manipulative, when I gave him the love ballad? Was I that much of a diabolical mastermind? I stupidly questioned myself and considered it. I later chalked it up to dodging a bullet. Words of wisdom: if he’s an avid Guided By Voices fan, RUN.

During this reflective exercise, I also realized I negate my emotions when I get too hopeful. Unconsciously, I’m afraid that all positivity is phony baloney and what I want will be taken away from me, before I can even enjoy it. Abandon, lest ye be abandoned. I’m eager to undo this imprint, before I ruin yet another chance at bliss.

Before I wallow in my deepest regret, let’s flip the script to positive emotional biases.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. I thrive on collaboration, not conflict. I’m a bit introverted, but I love my people. I’m pretty good at trusting my initial feelings, but it feels even nicer and validating, when I discuss a matter with the people closest to me. And, they corroborate and expound perspective.

I usually trust my misgivings, when I step back and see the bigger picture. I’m analytical by nature, so I tend to look for patterns.

If my apprehension intuitively identifies an overarching recurrence, I know I can continue to trust my gut and its 500 billion neurons. My gut has helped me immensely in life. I think it’s absolutely linked to the psychic intuition of the sixth circuit.

That raises the sixth circuit conundrum: is it enhanced perception or paranoia?

I like how Alli calls accelerated perception a state of being "unsane," which he says is "beyond sanity, but also not insane." Full disclosure: I unabashedly consider myself unsane. Life would be so boring without a little magic.

Alas, the line between intuition and paranoia sometimes blurs for me. I fine tune Channel 6 and look for associations attached to the subject at hand. If there’s reluctance or mistrust, I check myself and ask if I’m just expecting the worst because of my own negative emotional biases and past experiences. I turn inward and search for patterns within myself. I turn outward and look for patterns in others. If I recognize a behavioral pattern, it confirms my intuition is on point. Familiar bad territory always hard-wires my gut to send me hesitation.

It’s counterintuitive, but it’s harder for me to accept positive intuitions. I often stress I’m being too delusional and self-important. It’s much more difficult for me to receive a good feeling with hope and optimism. Back to that imprint of self-doubt and self-sabotage, disguised as self-preservation, that I’m working hard to undo. It’s such a parasite.

The psycho-spiritual elixir of (C2) emo power and (C6) psychic intuition reminds me to control what’s in my actual realm of control. I can’t set fire to a possibility, so that I can avoid a possible fire. That’s success avoidance and it needs to be avoided. Instead, I must accept circumstance without expectation—love, without harming myself in the process. And, always trust my gut, which will warn me, if you use any of this confessional to mess with my head later.