Why Your Bartender Hates You

Despite what many may think, bartending is not a party—it isn’t glamorous and it most definitely isn’t always easy. It’s a job, like any other. We have to clock in and out on time, answer to a boss, deliver customer service and behave in a professional manner. In addition, we have to closely monitor people’s behavior, ensure we keep bar costs down, count our cash accurately, host a party, attempt to build customer loyalty and maintain a safe environment...all while SOBER.

Sometimes we have to break up fights, deal with violent or combative intoxicated people, clean up vomit, or worse, keep an eye out for the predators and all-around shitbags that come in many forms. It’s a great job, but also a daunting one at times. People often say that Portland bartenders are "rude." I asked about a little over 100 Portland bartenders what they hate the most about working in a bar. This is just a short list of things that make us need to take a Xanax at about 10PM, just to cope. No, it has nothing to do with tips. Tips are appreciated, but not expected. Of course, if you’re not tipping at all, you’re an asshole— period...and, you know it. If your bartender is rude to you, chances are you may be doing any or all of the following, as in, someone who:

1. Cuts the line, frantically waves you down or even shouts for you to serve them, even though they clearly weren’t next—then, doesn’t know what they want.

2. Orders, but then takes forever getting their money out or their card, even though tons of people are waiting, even though it’s a slammed Friday night, as if they weren’t aware that we are in a money exchanged for goods situation.

3. Orders, then runs off to the bathroom without paying or leaving a tab name, while tons of people are waiting to order and now you have to look for them constantly, to come back to actually pay for the drink you just poured.

4. Orders, but then is super annoyed that you don’t remember their tab name, even though there are literally a hundred tabs open. Listen, Chad, it turns out people don’t really like it when you gamble with their tabs, i.e. their bank accounts. So, I’m going to go ahead and make sure I put the correct drinks on the correct tab, so people don’t get ripped off. Is that cool?

5. Is a beer snob. Asks to taste multiple beers...slowly...and wants to talk about the A.B.V. and origin of each one, even though the bar is at least five deep and is very far from being any sort of "beer bar." It’s a beer dude, not a life decision.

6. Insists on ordering unnecessarily complicated drinks, even though the wait time to get one is near 20 minutes at this point, because it’s Friday and the bar is busy. "I’ll have a well vodka and soda with two muddled limes, three muddled lemons, shaken, with a sugared rim." I wonder why the wait to get a drink is taking so long? Weird.

7. Orders soda water after soda water, because they don’t want to drink from the water station and then are surprised that it costs anything. Special shout out to people who get a soda water with bitters and a lime. The average bottle of bitters costs $11 a bottle and a bag of limes costs about $20, depending upon the season. The canister of soda costs about $25-$30, depending upon the distributor. Yeah, they cost money. You are not entitled to consume products for free, just because they don’t have alcohol in them.

8. Says, "I just want a..." and then proceed with the most high-maintenance order known to man.

9. People who are seriously pissed that you don’t have "a big rock." Guess what? The whiskey is the same, regardless of the size of ice cube.

10. Is genuinely pissed off that you won’t interrupt the house music to play a song request. Do you know how disruptive that is to everyone else? Also, if I play a song for you, I have to stop and play a song for everyone who asks. The last time I checked, I’m not getting paid to DJ. I’m paid to pour drinks.

11. Tries to shout an order at you, while you’re still clearly helping another cus

12. Stands at a place that obviously isn’t for ordering, or somehow tries to come behind the bar to interrupt you to place a drink order.

13. Shouts orders at your back, while you’re turned around entering things into the POS. Especially infuriating, because sometimes you have two-to-four orders in your head that you’re struggling to accurately enter into the system.

14. Order the order that doesn’t end! You make some drinks, set them down, then they keep calling friends over systematically, so that the order takes three times as long as it should or could.

15. Orders "a vodka soda," watches you make it, then says, "Oh, I wanted Ketel One" or "I wanted that tall," forcing you to dump it or remake it, when they knew exactly what they wanted in the first place.

16. Whispers their order, like it’s a damned secret, even though its as loud as a Metallica concert in the bar, forcing you to say, "WHAT?" over and over, or even leading you to contort your body over the bar and cupping your hand over your ear, in an effort to hear their baby voice. SPEAK UP!

17. Makes out or talks amongst their group, ignoring you...but, you can’t walk away and serve someone else, because you’ve already started part of their order and it’s way too busy to walk away and come back and keep track.

18. Sticks their fingers in the fruit tray and help themselves, forcing you to dump it, because...gross. Do you want an olive in your drink, that has had a bunch of people’s fingers brushed over it? No? Weird.

19. Chooses "close out" more than four times...maybe up to 20 in a night.

20. Claims to be a "tequila expert." Look, Millennials: just because you went to Cabo that one time does not make you a connoisseur. No, I don’t have the particular Mezcal you think you want. Just pick from the 8 tequilas I DO have and shut up. Literally, no one is impressed.

21. Outright asks for free drinks "for the birthday girl." You’ve never seen them in your bar before in your life. They aren’t regulars. They marched right up to the bar and straight up asked for free drinks.

22. Says they’ll tip you if you "smile." I’m not a trained dog. Keep your dollar, asshole.

23. Makes a big fucking deal about you needing to see their I.D., even though you’re a good ten years older than them, and also, fuck you—it’s the law.

24. Complains and asks you to change the house music. Like, you think you’re so damned special that your opinion outweighs everyone else’s in the bar? If that’s the case, you should go out and be a DJ. Good luck.

25. Leaves snotty napkins, trash, chewed gum, etc. on the bar for the bartender to clean, even though there are ample trash cans available. Basically, sending a message that the bartender is lower than you and deserves to pick up your bodily waste.

26. Flags you down and shouts at you to come and get a tip from them rather than just leaving it on the bar or in the jar. This is degrading.

27. Asks for hugs. In what other job is this acceptable?

28. Questions the I.D. process. When I ask you if you are over 21, per the law, and you proceed to scoff and make a huge deal about how you are Way, WAY over 21, I really don’t care. It’s a yes or no question that I’m required to ask. If I don’t, I could lose my license and not be allowed to bartend anymore, which is my livelihood. Someday no one will card you anymore. Enjoy it while it lasts. JUST ANSWER the question.

29. Hits on you, then gets VERY upset when you politely decline, because they really believed that your polite customer service was flirtation or, even worse, that because they gave you a generous tip, you owe them something.

30. Mutters their name, when you ask them about their tab. Look, you’ve been saying your name your entire life. I’ve just heard it for the first time. Also, chances are it sounds like a lot of other names in the P.O.S. ANNUNCIATE! SLOWLY!

31. Falls under the "hamster" category— people who shred up their coasters or napkins and leave the little paper shreds everywhere, for you to clean.

Want to be a good bar patron? Be a favorite? Favorites and good customers get served first, get freebies and all-around, better service. If you make my job easier, I’ll make your drinking time worthwhile. Wait your turn (trust me, we see you), tip and behave. Its literally that easy.