Presidents & Porn

Last month, several "news" outlets re-ported a story regarding President Trump, in which The Donald supposedly spanked a pornstar, Stormy Daniels, with a copy of Forbes. This isn’t exactly a recent incident, but apparently the hush money just ran out. I mean, does anyone actually read magazines anymore? In response, the porn industry echoed a sentiment— that being, "We don’t want to be associated with Trump. Please don’t put his name in the same news headlines as us."

Pornstars don’t want to have their reputation tainted by the leader of the free world—now that is something. We’re talking about an industry whose product categories range from "teen creampie" to "pregnant gangbang," not wanting to be associated with an arguably successful, powerful person. How awful do you have to be, to have your shittiness outshine your trillions of dollars? I mean, I’m not the most radical leftist, but goddamn, Donald... you done fucked up hard. Give it a few years and we’ll be reading headlines, such as, "Ku Klux Klan Fears Trump Endorsement Has Hurt Recruitment Numbers" or "10 Ways The Trump Administration Has Harmed Country Music." The Donald’s ability to burn his most stable bridges actually makes me jealous—the guy is like Kanye West, minus any talent or humility. But, this isn’t a political think piece about the current state of things. Rather, I’d like to go back through the years and draw attention to the relationships other presidents have shared with the adult entertainment industry.

Believe it or not, various Commander-In- Chiefs have had unique relationships with the porn industry. Yes, even our most recent golden child, Big Poppa Barack. But, let’s start back when the porn industry was still extremely underground.

J.F.K.

The relationship between Marilyn Monroe and Kennedy isn’t exactly a secret—I’m pretty sure they include a section about it in history textbooks. But, it is worth noting, simply because Marilyn appeared nude in the first issue of Playboy and, in the early ‘50s, Playboy was the closest thing to RedTube or Hustler. Hell, even Exotic would be considered super hardcore, by the standards of yesteryear. The then- President was said to have been having an affair with Monroe, as on his 45th birthday, Marilyn gave Kennedy the equivalent of a private dance, while singing "Happy Birthday" in a sultry fashion. This has become a meme and it’s not exactly a dark secret.

What most folks don’t know about, is that Kennedy was a documented freak. Two incidents speak to J.F.K.’s dark, sexual past, in a way that would make tabloids, even in the current year. First, we have the White House intern and former church administrator, Mimi Alford. At only 19, Mimi claims her virginity was taken by Kennedy, who had previously requested that she perform sexual acts on the President’s friends, while J.F.K. watched. Now, 19 in the days of J.F.K., adjusted for sexual marketplace value inflation, is on par with 35 to 40, in 2018 years. But, what was not socially accepted in the ‘50s and ‘60s, was J.F.K.’s relationship with male friend Lem Billings. According to Billings, he and Kennedy— friends since prep school—shared several rounds of oral sex, with Billings always being on the receiving end. I always cite Kennedy as "one of the good ones," when explaining politics to my girlfriends, but man, that was some progressive shit right there—blowjobs in the oval oce, before television was colorized. Plus, there are no search results for "stain on dress," when searching Kennedy’s sex scandal details— Monica could learn a thing or two from J.F.K., about the benefits of spitting versus swallowing.

Nixon

Dick Nixon is somewhat of an enigma. Even though his administration is synonymous with "political scandals" in every sense of the word, there is very little evidence to suggest that Nixon ever had an affair with a pornstar. And, let’s not kid ourselves here—Pat Nixon wasn’t exactly Michelle Obama or Melania Trump, in terms of sex appeal. So, it is pretty ironic that Nixon is directly (if not, accidentally) responsible for the mainstream acceptance of pornography.

The Watergate scandal, in which Nixon’s team pulled some GTA V-type tactics to obtain access to secret, government documents from the Democrats, put Nixon on the map. This incident involved wiretapping, coverups and all sorts of cool shit, that for some reason, has yet to be made into a feature-length Hollywood film. However, what was turned into a mainstream, cinematic release, was a porn film titled Deep Throat. Although the plot and production value of Deep Throat was nothing special, in terms of attracting a larger audience than other spank flicks in the ‘70s, the film’s title was also used as a nickname, to refer to one of the Watergate incident’s most famous informants. This is on par with a porn film titled "Kato" hitting the theaters during the O.J. trials. So, much like the creator of Pepe The Frog had to publicly distance himself from the amphibian meme’s association with the alt-right, Nixon attempted to draw attention away from his scandal, by calling for a boycott of Deep Throat. But, unlike the creator of a sabotaged meme, Nixon’s attempts to "boycott porn, because porn" were ridiculously extreme, and due to time and place, they backfired. With the then-President calling for arrests of the producers, actors and exhibitors of the film Deep Throat, naturally, the pornviewing public did what any other purveyors of porn would do—and they supported the film in droves. "You can’t do that," in the 1970s, translated to "Fuck, not only are they doing it, but they’re doing it in large numbers." Porn was not immune to this rule. So, in short, Nixon invented the Streisand effect (telling people not to look at something, makes them want to look at it). If only Nixon’s war on drugs had the same effect as his war on porn.

Reagan

Ronald Reagan is a G-rated sweetheart of a President. Known for opening the door for Trump (and, by 2020, Oprah or The Rock), Reagan was our country’s first celebrity- turned-President, having earned his Hollywood star by making a movie about putting a monkey to bed. Reagan’s wife, Nancy, had an odd amount of sex appeal for an older woman, but she never appeared nude in her mid-50s. However, the couple’s daughter, Patti Reagan, did. A few years ago, in a 2011 issue of More (no, I’ve never heard of it, either), Patti Reagan posed nude...at 58 years old! I can’t find the photos, but I’m already gonna give her props. Any post-menopausal woman with the guts to strip down for the masses is my kind of lady. But, this was not Patti’s first time showing off her Ronalds and Nancy.

In 1994, Patti posed nude in, and on the cover of, Playboy. Even though she used her interview to open up about her history of drug addiction and other personal traumas, the most controversial element of Patti’s 1994 appearance in Playboy was the cover shoot, in which Patti appears topless, with the hands of a muscular, black male covering her breasts. This may seem like Nickelodeon material today, but in the conservative ‘80s, race relations were on par with, well, current levels of tension. Something about a celebrity-turned-politician breeds racism...I have no idea why this is and maybe it will change once Denzel runs ("Washington For Washington" is a damn good slogan, just sayin’). Let’s just say that the First Daughter having her nips covered up by a sweaty brotha, like an ad for Spike Lee Fragrance, rattled some conservative cages (even in the mid-’90s).

Clinton

Okay, this is an easy one—the dude has an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to women who have filed sexual assault charges against good ol’ Slick Willie, but his wife ran for president as a feminist, so...I guess he’s off the hook? Looking past cigars and stains, though, one will find a pretty amazing photo of Bill Clinton floating around the inter-webs, with Bill sharing one hell of a smile with porn actresses Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign.

For whatever reason, these two adult starlets were at the same dinner as Clinton. The girls saw Bill from across the way, and according to reputable news source and modern day A.P. substitute, TMZ, Lee claims "Secret Service guy called (Lee) back and (to) come over and hang out and take pictures and stuff. (Bill)’s really, really sweet. I just told him that I loved him, I thought he was a great President and he just kind of winked and smiled." Bill Clinton later claimed to have no idea who the porn starlets were, but having become accustomed to gorgeous, sexy women, I’m assuming that it was just another day in Willieland. This is literally the most dirt I can find on the guy—which, is of no surprise. When you’re swimming in pussy, a few extra drops don’t even hit your radar.

Obama

And, with this, we conclude our list of presidential relationships with pornstars, in trend with the digital age. Although his wife is bangin’ and he has no history of sex scandals, it is not Obama himself that gets Barack’s administration a spot in this list, but his Twitter account. The verified, bluecheckmarked, totally-not-run-by-a-teamof- interns Twitter account, @BarackObama follows dozens and dozens of pornstars. From Asa Akira to Nikki Benz, several of the accounts followed by Obama are run by pornstars, with bios such as "I have an award-winning asshole" (Joanna Angel). Does this mean that Barack is secretly sextweeting with our fellow adult entertainers? Probably not. But, in a perfect world, the man has at least used his power once or twice, to put a smile on the face of a working girl. If any of our former Presidents can be trusted with naked women, I’m gonna put my bets on Obama. And, no—I’m not a fan of the mass deportations, wars for oil or deficit that his administration left behind. But, at least he seems the type to ask before grabbing a pussy.