Surfin’ The Web With Ray: The Best Worst Dating Sites On The Internet

Valentine’s Day is here, and like many of you, I’m never sure whether or not my decade- younger-than-I-am partner will be around to share a candle-lit dinner at Applebee’s, by the time the fateful day rolls around. So, like any responsible single, I have scoured the web for places to find love. Here are the worst of the best, the best of the worst, or as I like to call them, my "recent bookmarks."

UglySchmucks.com

"In today’s day and age, searching for a partner can be such a daunting task. Especially if you’re like a lot of us who are not that attractive." This site has the most honest (and, least compelling) motto I’ve seen in a grip. It’s the same thing as Mc- Donald’s saying, "Look, we know you’re drunk, why not sober up in our drive-through?" First of all, I’m wondering what’s wrong with the established sites that ugly people already use to find love, such as Craigslist and Facebook. Secondly, this seems to take the fun out of online dating, which already involves a lot of turd polishing and guesswork. Half of the fun that comes with meeting someone online, is finding out how much well whiskey it’s gonna take to make them look like their profile photos.

So, Ugly Schmucks doesn’t just appeal to the unattractive, it appeals to people with low self-esteem. For this reason alone, I will go ahead and give this site my seal of approval. In fact, one could pull a sort of reverse catfish on UglySchmucks.com, by claiming to be an ugly schmuck, but presenting IRL as a five or six. Plus, if you’re like me, you don’t want to date a narcissistic egomaniac. What kind of self-absorbed Becky or Chad would list an ad on a dating site reserved for the ugly? So, perhaps one will find some cubic zirconia in the rough on UglySchmucks.com. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and sign up—I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be the most attractive person in the room.

ClownDating.com

"Everybody loves a clown, so let a clown love you." It was a sad day, when I went to sign up for an account at JuggaLove.com, only to find out that the Juggalette of my dreams will have to wait, as the Insane Clown Posse- related dating site is now a thing of the past. Thankfully, the broader market for circus-themed hook-ups can be filled with ClownDating.com—a website dedicated to...you guessed it, dating clowns. However, it’s one thing for Juggalos to have a dating site—Juggalos are like Fiends or Deadheads, in terms of already having infected every possible corner of our society. However, clowns as a whole are still rightfully shunned. I fucking hate clowns. I’m pretty sure I was molested by one at some point in time, but even if that never happened, I still hate them. Clowns are cancer. Love Juggalos. Hate clowns. Are we clear?

Two red flags are set off upon landing on ClownDating.com’s homepage. The first, is that you’re looking at a website dedicated to clown dating. Do I even need to expand here? Second, the featured photos of newly registered members feature folks who look reasonably attractive, normal, well-adjusted and in no way related to the circus. Naturally, the website boldly answers the question, "Why Clown Dating?" According to CD, "It’s no fun looking for love when you’re a clown. Behind all the makeup and the red nose is a lonely heart. Clowns are unique entertainers, loved by some, yet feared and hated by others." Damn right, they’re hated by others. They’re fucking clowns. Clowns deserve to be lonely, especially on Valentine’s Day. This site is bad and I feel bad for looking at it.

Meet-An-Inmate.com

"Did you know that there are millions of men and women who are currently incarcerated, just waiting for someone to write and exchange life experiences?" I’m not sure if the hyphens in the URL of this dating site are supposed to be ironic, like miniature prison cell bars, but Jesus Christ with a shank, this is some scary stuff. I’m probably not the first person to admit that it’s not uncommon for "sexy" inmates to have hoards of female pen pals—Bundy, Ramirez, Manson... all the greats had their sexy lady fans. But, the header image for Meet-An-Inmate.com features a woman behind bars. Now, I’m not one to go all "gender wars" in a writeup about prison dating sites, but everyone knows that it’s mostly men who end up behind bars. Black dude runs a red light, he gets twenty years in jail. White chick stabs her kids and boyfriend, she gets probation. This is old news. But, damn...what kind of woman actually gets jail time and why am I signing up to be her boo? Oh, shit. It appears WomenBehindBars. com exists, too. Guys...can we dial back the thirst, just a bit?

M-A-I is thorough and educational, in terms of what the site offers to first-time visitors, with advice that anyone can apply to their day-to-day life. "Writing an inmate for the first time can be intimidating at first. We recommend that your first letter be kept short, include a brief description of yourself, your interests and hobbies, and maybe a photo of yourself. This can be a great way to start a conversation." This is important, because when attempting to make a connection with the lady who tossed her kids out of a moving vehicle during a meth bender, sharing too much tends to kill any element of mystery. "Hi, I’m Steve. How many years of making weapons from toilet paper separate you and I from having coffee?" Do they make Valentine’s Day cards for this? As an added bonus, all correspondence is done via "snail mail," as inmates aren’t typically allowed to have a Tinder account, let alone email.

Kwink.com

"Spend your remaining days with someone that shares your instinct to prepare and survive the end of the world as you know it." The chemtrails are flying, birth control is turning the frogs gay, and here you are, holed up in a bunker and looking for love. All is fair in love and Infowars, over at Kwink. com—the world’s premier dating site for "survivalist singles." I have conflicting emotions about this one. On one hand, making plans for dates is probably easy. Who pays for dinner? Who cares??? We’re all going to die soon anyways. Put it on the credit card. On the other hand, jealousy is one thing, but allout paranoia has to be a relationship killer. Instead of, "Who was that girl and why was she flirting with you?" it becomes, "Who was that girl and does she work for the shadow government, with plans of exploiting your resources thorough taxation, until they are depleted enough to constitute martial law?"

I suspect that if you meet someone on Kwink.com, "Netflix and chill" becomes "documentary about the collapse of the financial system and panic." But, hey, go ahead and share some dehydrated food capsules over a nice ration of filtered, alkaline water, with the one you love but don’t fucking trust as far as you can throw them. You can find that special someone to sleep with one eye open, at Kwink.com.

DiaperMates.com

"Do not upload photos of kids, poop or nude pics" Do we really need to say that? I mean, isn’t it sort of a given? I guess not. Only Rule 34 is real—if it exists, there is porn of it. And, diapers are no exception. I’ve always giggled at the term "adult diapers" for various reasons (mostly related to how old I was each time I’ve seen them on sale at the store). But, this website takes it to a whole new level. Not only does it appeal to adults who have a diaper fetish (which, I’m not gonna knock...kink is kink and I won’t shame it), but the web design is straight out of 1996 and is far from subtle, in terms of presentation.

If you’re gonna represent a sexual fetish that is, arguably, already stigmatized enough (this isn’t exactly foot licking or spankings we’re talking about), please try to make your site look like it wasn’t designed by the same folks who design church newsletters or white supremacy blogs. Even the ads on the site (which, by the way, are for diapers) contain colorful, child-like patterns that fit somewhere between Chuck E. Cheese and evidence obtained from a child porn ring. I mean, it’s 2018, guys. Where can reasonable, well-adjusted, mature, diaper-wearing adults connect? Besides Tumblr? Step your game up, Diaper- Mates.com!

Well, that about wraps up my summary of where I’m spending Valentine’s Day this year. One tip for the truly lonely out there, and trust me, this works—you know those "missed connection" ads on Craigslist? The ones like, "You were at Taco Bell throwing a fit about not getting sour cream on your burrito and I was the lonely dude in the tan coat, checking out your ass" and all that? Well, no one responds to missed connection ads, unless they fit the description. So, if you really want to meet a quali- fied lover, put something out that your potential crush would respond to. The ad I just posted says, "You were the blonde, deaf Brazilian in line at GameStop to preorder God Of War for the PS4. I would have said hi, but I was busy counting my money." Anyone who replies will have a bangin’ ass and an appreciation for Kratos. Or, you can just stick to ugly, incarcerated clowns in diapers.