Jonas Does Portland: A Slice Of Portland In NYC

As I’ve made very clear in previous articles, Portland will always have a piece of my heart. The city of bridges will forever be a place I will consider a home. I’ve lived all over the country, and I’ve enjoyed most of it, but there’s always been...something, about Portland. Whether it be the amazing food, weird-ass people or the freedom of expression people exhibit throughout the city—there are just some parts of PDX that will always draw me back. I’d be lying through my teeth if I didn’t tell you I miss getting on stage with some of the most beautiful, bad-ass women on earth and belting out Guns ‘N’ Roses (terribly), while they danced around me (not terribly)...I miss Stripparaoke all the time, now that I think of it. Son of a bitch, I need to make this a thing in NYC...

No! No, Jonas! You leave some things for Portland to bring you back!

Okay, I’m better now. Well, I’m here to tell you, that you can take a trip over to my new neck of the woods and get a little taste of Portland while you’re here, so you don’t get completely homesick. Spring is right around the corner and vacations are starting to ramp up. So, here is a guide to some PDX-style experiences you can find in The Big Apple.

Unfortunately, some Portland businesses tried to open up in NYC and failed. The one that doesn’t surprise me is Sizzle Pie, because it’s New York Fuckin’ City. We know pizza. We know good pizza. We know pizza that’s so good, it’ll break up families. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ever-loving shit out of Sizzle Pie—when I go back home for a visit, it’s one of my first stops and it always will be. But, don’t take Portland pizza, walk into NYC and expect anything but for it to fail. Bunk Sandwiches was another one that dove headfirst into The Big Apple and ended up flat-lining. Again, you’re walking into a place known for heroes—not ones with capes, superpowers and shit, but ones that are slathered in layers of meat, cheese and condiments. We fuckin’ know our sandwiches over here, so step off. Bunk is great, but we have sandwiches just as good on every corner, in any deli. But, there is one that remains in NYC that became popular in Portland and has thrived here: Pok Pok. Pok Pok NY has gotten solid praise over here and continues to be a Brooklyn Thai food staple. So, if you’re over here looking for a taste of home, come out to Brooklyn for Pok Pok.

That was dinner. Now, it’s time for dessert— and, I’m not talking about the sugar-laden, sweet kind. Portland has always been known for its sexually liberal landscape. Whether it be the neon-lit, devilish delights dancing for you at one of the many strip clubs, or the more risqué clubs offering you a swingers’ experience, you can count on Portland to help you explore your sexy side. What you may not know about NYC, is that we just so happen to have our sexy side, too. Let me tell you ahead of time that our strip clubs are fucking trash, so stay away from them. They suck, the music sucks, the dancers have to wear underwear and the prices are fucking insane—abort that mission with the quickness.

However, when one velvet rope closes, another one opens. Welcome to the sexy side of NYC: sex parties! You heard me right, friends. Take a trip out to Chemistry while you’re here, if you want to feel right back at home— it’s a Brooklyn sex stronghold in the Williamsburg neighborhood, offering quite the sexy experience for couples and singles alike. It’s very laid back, chill and extremely fun. If you can’t get into Chemistry, you can go on over to Behind Closed Doors, a members-only experience that takes place in a variety of upscale locations, aimed at the more corporate lifestyle—think suits, expensive watches, champagne and shit like that. Still not your speed, you say? Maybe check out Lip Service, if you’re feeling adventurous and want a more risky activity. They take place at The House Of Scorpio and feature blindfolded, pansexual make-out sessions. Bowery Bliss is probably the most stripped-down sex club experience you’ll have in the city. Go there for as much no-frills fucking as you can take. And, finally, I’ll steer you towards Labyrinth, which is geared mostly towards straight couples. This one is known for theme nights and is very well-known (and respected) in NYC.

See, my fellow Portland kinksters, you can have fun here in NYC! You can have that "home away from home" sexy experience on the other side of the country. I’d recommend doing your research before you come over here, though. What I mean is, you should prepare by going to the sites of the various clubs, signing up, seeing what the specifics are and all that fun stuff. Maybe you can do a little research, if you’re gonna go across the country and throw your genitals around a new city, okay? You can still definitely do all the tourist trap horse shit here. The Empire State Building isn’t going anywhere and Times Square will still be a neon hellscape for the duration of your entire vacation. But, you’re gonna work up an appetite by beating the shit out of an Elmo or a fat Batman asking you for money. So, take care of the hunger with Pok Pok and some filthy sex with your new east coast friends. Happy vacationing, Portland!