Culturally Insensitive Holidays For The Rest Of Us

Yes, I know that St. Paddy’s is supposed to be an "Irish" holiday, but nothing that selfidenti fies as Irish in the U.S. is actually Irish. Still, we celebrate St. Paddy’s by getting shitfaced, starting fights, groping strangers and puking. Am I the only one that sees the dark humor in this?

As far as the Irish are concerned, let’s do a brief history lesson. You know that one, super- right-wing asshole who always brings up the fact that "some white people were enslaved?" Well, that’s partially true. See, the Irish weren’t always seen as "white." In fact, that same asshole I just mentioned will bring up the fact that Africans sold other Africans to Europeans and Americans, etc. What people tend to forget, is that white people sold a handful of white slaves to Africans...yup, we’re talking the good ol’ Irish. No, your English grandfather was never a slave. But, you know that uncle you have, who talks to his cigarettes and laughs whenever the booze tells him to? His grandfather may have been property at some point. There are also two main types of Irish: black Irish and Irish Irish. In short, "black Irish" is not "Black Irish," as in, there are no ties to African "Black" identity with a capital B. The term literally means dark, as in, caveman-ish, pitch-black hair of the full-body variety. Conan O’Brien is Irish Irish. Anyone ever cast as a troll in a fantasy film is "black Irish" (as am I). Perhaps this is why anyone mocking the Irish—from cereal companies, to booze factories—gets a culture-bashing pass. It’s the same as bashing any other form of white people—we pretend to laugh at the ones in power, but everyone knows that it’s Wal-Mart that delivers the real Caucasian comedy.

But, it doesn’t end at We Wuz McSlaves. Hell, let’s take it a few steps beyond the pseudoracism and note that St Paddy’s is the only holiday we have that openly permits violation of personal boundaries. And, a warning: not all Irish people are nice. I know, it’s a stereotype, but it’s true. If I leave the house without wearing green, and for this reason alone, a stranger is compelled to pinch me, I’ll show them what being Irish is all about and pay them back with a closed fist. What made it okay to pinch strangers because of what they are (or, aren’t) wearing? Why is the standard St. Paddy’s Day parade held to different standards than Slutwalk? "Let’s respect everyone’s boundaries and recognize that alcohol and consent don’t mix...but, also, it’s okay to pinch a chick in the ass for not wearing green, if she’s drunk enough." That doesn’t make a ton of sense and it’s confusing to people who want some consistency in their parades.

Name any other holiday where it’s okay to breach societal taboos, because of the associated, culturally specific costume—I mean, yeah, on Halloween people are openly encouraged to lure children onto their porch with candy. But, that’s an exception and not a rule. Somehow, St. Paddy’s is unanimously accepted as a "pinch a stranger" day. Didn’t we just get done being outraged over our Complainer-In-Chief’s attitude toward grabbing people who weren’t asking for it? What gives the Lucky Charms mascot a pass? You can’t just go around, grabbing strangers by the ol’ purple horseshoe, simply because some dude in Ireland played a flute for a bunch of snakes. This sounds like something you’d have to explain to someone who was tripping balls on acid, not celebrating a nationally recognized holiday.

Okay, so we’ve established that St Paddy’s Day is somewhat racist and extremely rapey, to the point where I’m wondering why it doesn’t have it’s own Buzzfeed article yet. But, I’m not here to gripe, nor am I here to accuse a bunch of drunk strangers of "cultural appropriation," or whatnot. What I am here to do, lovely readers, is generate some discussion.

Let’s imagine if other cultures were celebrated in the same fashion as the Irish. Go ahead. If you find any of the following to be racist, be my guest—stay sober all March, throw away your Lucky Charms and burn down an "Irish" pub (strip mall tap house), in the name of justice. Meanwhile, I’ll be drinking a Guinness and laughing my ass off at these ideas:

St. Tyrone’s Day

Okay, this is too easy, simply because there are more white rappers on Soundcloud than there are stars in the sky. Black culture has been co-opted beyond belief. But, what about, say, a holiday in which everyone showed up to a screening of Black Panther two hours late, talked over the whole movie and then asked for a refund after it was over, because the usher asked someone to put their blunt out, turn off their phone and stop arguing with their date? Oh, fuck, we already had that holiday—Valentine’s Day. And, to be honest, the black people stereotype of "they talk in movie theaters" is nothing compared to the white people stereo- truth of "they shoot up movie theaters." Carry on. Let’s skip this one.

St. Chan’s Day

For one day, in the middle of Summer, students are brought back to class, to learn additional material from mathematics, computer programming and physical sciences courses. Parents are encouraged to give their children the gift of criticism, whether verbal (shame) or emotional (silent treatment). A parade would be held in Chinatown, where the bums would be forced to relocate from, for at least a day. During this parade, photography would be mandatory and anyone not wearing a camera would be publicly shamed for being dishonorable. Even though this holiday would become more and more offensive every year, the Chinese would still continue to dominate it and laugh at Westerners, who tried to keep up with their increasingly extreme traditions. At the very end, everyone would be given some sort of toy-inside-a-candy with a lucky note or some tea...I dunno. Trump can’t even fucking pronounce "China," so don’t blame me for being ignorant to their culture.

St. Martinez Day

Cinco de Mayo. Shit. They have that already. Well, that’s why they call the Irish "redheaded Mexicans."

St. Eh Day

For an entire twenty hours (that’s a metric day, I believe), everyone decides to be Canadian. In other words, people are encouraged to drink really, really expensive beer, that gets them about as drunk as chewing gum, while being nice to strangers and inviting everyone over for a party. Sooner or later, the party gets really, really big and you, the host, are too afraid to tell folks that it’s time to go. Eventually, you decide that your dedication to inclusion—as well as your hatred of the bigoted, nationalist, U.S. neighbors next door—means that it’s far too late to do anything about all the guests. Oh, you also forget to mention that your party was built on the backs of just as many dead natives as your American neighbor’s. But, that’s okay, because you talk with a funny accent. Also, anyone who pinches another person on St. Eh Day is imprisoned for a decade, under charges of aggressive sexual assault. But, anyone who drives drunk on St. Eh Day will get away with it—as long as their car can travel faster than a moose.

St. Vladkovodish Day

On St. Vladkovodish Day, "holiday celebrate you!" Okay, that’s a bit dated and hacky. Let’s back up...S.V.D. is all about being serious. Too serious, in fact. All traffc disputes will be solved with physical violence and broadcast, via dashcam, for all to see. Actually, I’m just gonna skip the part where I make up a crazy Russian holiday and tell you to search for "crazy Russian drivers" on YouTube. There are entire playlists of Rooskies fucking each other up in traffc, over the dumbest shit you could imagine. Forget to signal? That’s a stone cold knockout punch to the dome! Get rear-ended? Too bad, it’s your fault for being in front of Vlad, while he was checking Facebook and not paying attention. This calls for a ten-minute fight! Seriously, stop whatever you’re doing now and go watch Russian drivers beat each other up on You- Tube. If you honestly believe that these folks hacked the election, you’re dumber than a Russian driver without a dashcam.

St. Joseph’s Day

For an entire week (yes, that’s a day in God time), it is not only legal, but also socially acceptable, to molest children of any age, deny basic human rights to same-sex couples, drink wine while condemning alcohol, smear non-believers for not taking Englishtranslated Hebrew at face value, denounce false prophets while asking for money to fix the pastor’s car, pretend that blonde, blueeyed white people live and die in the Middle East, promise homeless people food on the condition that they accept membership to a cult and, of course, candles. Lots and lots of candles. Which, unfortunately, will lead to at least a dozen house fires, all of which will be celebrated as being part of "god’s plan." This holiday will eventually be celebrated once a week, tax free. Oh, wait...shit. Why are all of my good ideas already taken?