Surfin’ The Web With Ray: Getting Social

Social networking is amazing. Before the advent of the internet, strangers had no place to mingle or gather. People lived in caves, communicating only by smoke signal. Until the mid 90s, it was impossible to find a mate, a meal or a job. Then, one day, a guy named Tom invented MySpace, all by himself, with no influence from his "Friendsters." That’s what he called them—he invented that term. Since then, several clones have popped up, leaving MySpace in the dust. Here are my top five picks for networks of the social variety and a brief rundown of each one.

TWITTER

Where else can pornstars, presidents and teenagers argue over whether or not Russians are capable of hacking sex robots? Twitter was designed to be a succinct alternative to the giant-block-o’-text soapbox format, that characterizes most social media websites. However, in restricting user posts to a limited amount of characters, Twitter simply became the world’s smallest and most ine ffective soapbox. For instance, instead of posting "...the new Star Wars film is bullshit because it’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, low-hanging, social justice fruit, and in doing so, creating a division among already alienated geeks, nerds and disenfranchised fringe demographics. Therefore, a return to true form, one that focuses on traditional, tried-and-tested storyline, as is seen with Rogue One, would be a refreshing break from the pandering..." Twitter users can simply tweet out "Force Awakens is SJW bullshit. Fuck this garbage." This, of course, starts the type of nuanced and well-spoken dialogue, that is known to generate critical discussion of the most respectful variety (backslash sarcasm).

Twitter is not only a great place to reduce informative dialogue to its most gutter-level style of presentation, but it’s also a platform for leaders of the free world to spew hate speech and misinformation, in front of the whole world.

Not making this shit up—last month, a buddy of mine (and Exotic affliate), Dodger, was both re-tweeted and blocked by the verified William Shatner account. Why? A discussion over the term "social justice." Aside from Blevel celebrities, Twitter is full of corporate accounts that are either amazing (@Arbys), brutal (@Wendys) or...how shall I put this... interesting (@RealTonyTiger). Yes, you’re not misreading that—the Tony The Tiger Twitter account has been infested, and not in the good way. Furries—and, I do mean the worst type of furries—have infiltrated Tony’s Twitter, and as any post will prove, there is a large amount of sexual tension between cartoon Tigers and the adults who dress up as them. "Yiff (furry for "fuck") me, Tony" and "Fill me up with your milk, daddy!" are the two most popular sentiments directed via tweet reply, to the most beloved cartoon cereal mascot since Lucky. So, to review, real-life people are sexually harassing a fictional cartoon Tiger, using made-up furry language (as to subvert the censors), all from the comfort of their phones. Great work, Twitter. You’ve really helped keep things simple and to the point.

FACEBOOK

Facebook answers the question, "What if 1984 and Brave New World were merged into a social network?" Go ahead, fill out the quiz to find out which Golden Girl you are (I’m Blanche). In exchange, Big Daddy Zuck will sell all of your personal data, so he can purchase Lambos and small African countries. In the hospital with your new baby? Fuck moments—selfie that little fucker before it’s dry. In a new relationship? Say goodbye to all those likes you just got! Have an opinion on the latest national tragedy, social outrage and/or dead celebrity? Echo it. Share it. Just make sure that you don’t insert an original opinion, or you will be labeled as a...(*spins wheel*)...oooh! Cis-phobic meat apologist! Quite the achievement, for a post about the Snapple lady. Not only does Facebook allow you to shitpost at full velocity, in front of all those random people you met at bars and concerts (but, for some reason, your own flesh and blood doesn’t see you in their newsfeed), it also acts like a needy spouse. See, at first, the blank space where you are allowed to fill in your status updates asks you interesting, fun questions. "What’s on your mind, Ray? How are you feeling Ray?" Then, after a few months, it starts to get suspicious. "You were at Dante’s last night, what did you see, Ray? Who is that in your photo? Would you like to tag them? Hey, do you know this person? You should. Maybe you should add them. I mean, after all, you know them, right? RIGHT?" Finally, after about a year, Facebook turns into a cop. "Here is a photo of you from three years ago. Can you explain it? Where do you live? It appears you haven’t let us know your real birthday. We’re going to need a copy of your license and two additional forms of identifi- cation. Oh, you posted ‘kill all men’ in an ironic, humorous context? That’s a one-week ban. You are going to Facebook jail."

Facebook is also great for small businesses to post updates regarding their magazine’s content, only to have it be broadcast to the same six people who re-"like" the page every week, again and again, because it was magically "un-liked" by Facebook bots. Unless, of course, said magazine decides to cough up hundreds of dollars for ads...then Facebook will show their posts. Still, these "views" will be from Australian Muslims aged 12-14, because that’s the default setting. But, who cares? Zuck knows all. Bow before the mighty Zuck.

TUMBLR

Think of a random, disenfranchised, oppressed, marginalized and/or fringe demographic. Okay, now pretend that demographic is the baseline for what constitutes the statistical norm. From here, expand to even more oppressed marginalized and disenfranchised groups. Eventually, you will stumble upon the most oppressed, marginalized, disenfranchised person of all-time. Sure, they will be an auent, teenage white girl from the suburbs. But, as a self-diagnosed bi-polar, tri-sexual, pan-racial, autistic, vegan, PTSDsu ffering, two-spirit, clown kin, this person is fucking oppressed, okay?! And, Tumblr is zirzim- bop-bippity-do’s place to vent, ya dig?

Tumblr is amazing at spinning real-life tragedies into one-upmanship (excuse me, oneuppersonship) contests and pissing wars, over who has it worse. For example, an unarmed, black teen gets shot by racist Texas cops. How does Tumblr respond? Well, there is a simple, three-step process behind any Tumblr post.

First, hashtag the shit out of everything. One or two won’t do...#BlackLivesMatter and #HandsUpDontShoot are child’s play. We need at least a few dozen, including a few that are oddly specific in context and excessive in length, such as #CopsWhoShootBlackTeensNamedMichaelAreTheWorstKindOfCops and #SomeoneFrom- MonmouthOregonCaresAboutYou. Also, #sometimes there are #random #words that have been #hashtagged for #no #reason at #all. Next, find a way to simultaneously reduce and generalize the issue. For instance, "This isn’t about police brutality—it’s about our culture’s obsession with guns, power and all things black." Now that your Tumblr post has taken away all agency and relevance from the source material, the third step is to make it all about you. "A bartender denied me service today, because I’m ‘visibly intoxicated’ (whatever that means) and I could not help but think about Michael Brown."

Oh, there’s also a ton of #feminism on Tumblr. I don’t mean "feminism," but rather, #feminism. If you want to know why women earn less than men, Tumblr is there to help. It’s simple, really—manspreading. Or, maybe it’s beards. It could be toxic masculinity... definitely isn’t a male-dominated corporate climate, one that rewards negotiation and initiative over emotional appeals and agreeableness, in such a way that feminine traits are ignored and often punished, as opposed to reinforced and rewarded. Rather, it’s rape culture that’s keeping all the Orange Julius managers male. Gotta be rape culture.

CRAIGSLIST

Oh, Craigslist isn’t a social network, you say? Have a look at the "community" section and I’ll show you otherwise. Want to buy a toaster? Fuck someone’s wife? Give a stranger a ride from Gresham to Portland? How about all three at the same time? Craigslist was invented to help entrepreneurs and re-sellers connect with clients and buyers. And, thank God, it does just that! Of course, the clients are all Johns and the sellers are dealing in human anatomy—but, there is so much more to be had. Want a car with only 320,000 miles on it, some minor timing belt damage and no air bag? $4,500 or best offer (a toaster, a wife and a ride to Portland will suffce). Did you have a "missed connection," with the woman whose bushes you’ve been masturbating in? Go ahead and leave her a note. Well-adjusted people, with tons of self-esteem, constantly scroll the m4w missed connections pages, all the time. Hell, that’s how I met the guy who masturbates in the bushes outside of my neighbor’s place. In fact, he thinks I’m a 12-year-old she. Who cares, though? I visit Tumblr. I know how social constructs work.

The best part about Craigslist, is that your posts can get flagged for anything at all. This is because, like Wikipedia [1] [2] [3] [4], Craigslist is run by a team of dedicated, totally non-partisan community organizers. Say, for instance, you accidentally include a bumper sticker of a pot leaf in the photo of that car you’re trying to sell. Oops! Drug-related flagging means that car is no longer for sale. However, two tabs over, a teenage hooker is offering "s3x 4 m3th" and does incall/outcall, bdsm, ptsd, m4mm4ww4t all day. Ahh... the wonders of community vetting. I wonder why everything isn’t decentralized. After all, with the reputation that Socialism and Bitcoin have, I see Craigslist becoming the next big thing in "Why the fuck did we do that?" history.

INSTAGRAM

Hi. My name is Becky. However, ever since I tried molly last summer, I go by Shawntae Beanpie. I travel all of Africa and Asia, on my father’s dollar, to various festivals, in which other Westerners enjoy a cocktail of drugs, while dressing as the locals, all of whom are kept safely behind walls and away from the resorts. I like to fuck random people, as I have no self-respect or self-awareness, especially when it comes to my sexual health—which puts both myself and various strangers at a high risk of acquiring a non-treatable disease, foreign to their country. I wear large hats, small sun dresses and gigantic, ironic glasses and jewelry. My best friend changes weekly, if not hourly. She’s such a whore. I hate her. Also, she’s tagged in most of my posts. If you like my photos and you’re cute, I’ll follow you back. If you like my photos and you’re a six or less, I will have you blocked. I have 12,021,184 followers and my account is private, because I only want my closest friends to follow me. Here’s me in front of the Evil Tower. Here’s me at Pyramid Brewing. Here’s me at Coach Hella. I’m really, really all about this life. Meme. Meme. Filtered photo of my pug. Meme. Wu-Tang logo, even though I can’t name two members. Meme. Why don’t you love me? I hate you. Please don’t leave. I have a severe fear of abandonment and undiagnosed narcissism.

Instagram is also great for using up two-thirds of your data plan, in case YouTube videos of hood pranks and Dr. Phil guests aren’t doing the job.