Letter To The Editor: You Say Victim Blaming, I Say Victim Prevention

Editor’s note: Last month (March), Exotic ran an article titled Tales From The DJ Booth: See You In Courtship, in which DJ HazMatt (myself) proposed the idea, that sexual assault is not a black-and-white issue and that the traditions of second and third base have all but disappeared from the dating scene. The column concluded by asserting that strip clubs are a great environment in which men can learn the rules of consent, subtle erotic communication, etc. However, the column was not well-received by a small handful of readers and some decided to take the issue to social media. Still, other readers felt the column spoke to them and became involved in a discussion with those who were offended by it. Upon connecting with a few of these folks, I was asked why we don’t allow "letters to the editor," or guest contributions and rebuttals. This assertion is untrue, as I have opened the door for anyone and everyone to comment. If you have two cents to toss in, email Editorial@Xmag.com. But, if you have a full-length column in which to state your side of things and it is well-written, we will publish that as well...and it just so happens I received one. Enjoy.

I’m a sexual assault survivor and I don’t need anyone to speak on my behalf. We have an ugly commonality, but it doesn’t mean that our perspectives are uniform.

Case in point, I don’t see Exotic as "perpetuating rape culture." I mean, they printed two really intense pieces whereby a woman writer called out predators (A Hate Letter to Creeps and Big Hands). They’ve given a platform to all types of people who identify as women—from the topics of erotica, to comedy. I don’t see anything that resembles the rape culture claim.

I don’t perceive the See You In Courtship article— which certain people are putting on blast online—as "rape apologist" or "victim-blaming." But, I do see it as being unnecessarily provocative.

Before I delve into how DJ Hazmatt’s provocateur nature is vulnerable to attack and easily misconstrued, I just have to vehemently say, that I take issue with Exotic being labeled as a misogynistic magazine that promulgates rape culture. Especially when those public proclamations are not accompanied by a thorough explanation and certainly aren’t inviting dialog. If societal change and development is such a concern of certain survivors, then why are they presenting the issue as so one-sided? To me, that’s something I find gravely contradictory and I just can’t get behind it.

However, there’s some validity to these complaints. I do think See You In Courtship failed to get its message across to certain readers, who likely didn’t get past the shit-stirring intro, and, thus didn’t read the whole thing to get to the actual meat of the piece. Because, the opening was more like internal word salad, better off sealed inside snarky, mind-ricocheting thoughts (no offense to the author, truly). Maybe ,if a woman had written it, the sarcasm could’ve almost worked, but I doubt it. Sexual assault in Hollywood is just too sore of a subject right now. The golden rule of fiction writing is that, just because something happened in real life, doesn’t mean it translates well into story. Even though See You In Courtship is a nonfiction editorial, the same could be said— no one wants to read an editor rant about being nagged for not covering the trending topic of sex abuse in Hollywood.

Anyway, the next faux pas in the article was the "Handbook For The Recently Accused" heading. It’s likely to skew perception and lose (rightfully) sensitive readers upfront. So, they never see the thought-provoking thesis of how, if people would just stop going straight to fucking, maybe we’d have more intimacy and less rape or creepy behaviors. As a perpetually creepedout woman, who would really love more kissing and caressing before pussy pounding, I couldn’t agree more. Those juices don’t flow on their own!

Starting with the real message would make more sense. It’s in the title, and it’s hinted at in the last few paragraphs, but it doesn’t really take shape until the end. It competes with the gray area of what’s behind the scenes of infrequent, false, sex abuse accusations. That’s a standalone hook that probably won’t be taken seriously any time this century. But, maybe it’s worth analyzing? I’m not sure, either way. Also, omitting the commentary on #MeToo would’ve done wonders. I just gotta repeat, I wish the magazine cut any mention of false accusations—an issue that does exist, to a small extent—but, just doesn’t belong in this particular essay. If it had been cut, the article would’ve adequately highlighted the intended message: let’s collectively create a culture of more intimacy and less indiscriminate sex, in turn reducing and eliminating predatory sexual behaviors.

Rightfully sensitive people, who have endured trauma, will likely be triggered by See You In Courtship and not see the point, which really sucks. But, I get it. Certain topics can make a person fume, but it’s not always about you or me. Could it be that some of us are responsible for our reactions, as well as our likelihood to misconstrue something we don’t fully agree with or understand? I see a bit of projection going on here. Especially, if someone only reads part of an article, but then goes fully into a tirade about it. I wonder how much of people calling others out—without all the information available to them, and without initiating dialog—is more about ego gratification and drawing attention to themselves, and not actually about drawing awareness to the serious issue of rape. As a survivor, I find this phenomenon repulsive, disturbing and insulting.

It all depends on that dreaded, hippie word: intention. As far as the article in discussion goes, I think intention got drawn and quartered by DJ Hazmatt, so all that can be seen at first glance are bits of gore and guts. For me, that’s not a problem. But, I can see how other women would be upset by it.

Overall, I like the See You In Courtship’s message of refocusing on second and third bases, before fucking. I would like more people to consider the truth, that this is a huge missing link in sexual relationships these days, regardless of age. I don’t see how that’s "victim-blaming." But, I do see it as victim prevention.